Savannah wide-eyed and full of excitement: "Guess what, Mama?! Guess WHAT?!!!!"
Me: "What, Savannah, what?!"
Savannah: "I have baby Jesus living in my heart! Ms. Lisa told me I do (Ms. Lisa is her preschool teacher)!
Me: "YOU DO?!! That is so awesome! I do too!"
Savannah screeching: "You do? That IS awesome - yes, it is!"
Me: "Savannah, do you also have the older Jesus who died on the cross for you and me (trying to make sure she was putting two and two together) in your heart too?"
Savannah: "Ummm, not really. Well, maybe just a "wittle bit". Mostly I just have the baby Jesus in my heart."
I guess for now, I will take just the Baby Jesus in my three year old's heart. That is better than nothing! (:
Merry Christmas!
Love, Brandy
My precious and magnificent blessings...
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A 3 year old's dream?
My 3 year old daughter Savannah spent a good portion of last week unintentionally toying with my emotions. For about 5 days straight, she continually thanked God for her "new brother". The first day, it was took me by surprise and we laughed about it; the second day I started to ponder the thought along with a chuckle; the third day my son Jace asked me if there was something that he should know which I of course assured him that there was not; the 4th day I began to wonder if she was prophetic; and on the fifth day, i was ready to take a pregnancy test. I am sure, that when I get to that point, my husband wants to bury his head and duck for cover not knowing how I will react to whatever news I get. Poor guy - he is defintely a saint.
Well, no surprise here, the test was negative but I have to say I was a bit disappointed. SHOCKER - right? Is the fact that I still get disappointed when I see the words NOT PREGNANT a shock to anyone? Probably not but I have to say that I get frustrated with myself knowing that this can still be an issue. After all that God has done for me and after all that I have been delivered from - there is still a part of me that longs for another child and secretly wants to see the words PREGNANT again. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.
Now, I know full well that this is not healthy in any way, shape, or form. Believe me, you don't have to tell me this. It borders on obsession really, and possibly idol worship and that concerns me "on oh, so many levels" as my son would say. I want to be free of this for good - COMPLETELY free but I am beginning to think that is not what my God has planned. (:
So for now; I admit my faults, I hold on tight while I am on this roller coaster ride, and I wait to see what God has in store for me. I know it will be good and I trust Him WAY more than I trust any beautiful, precious, dramatic, God-fearing 3 year old with a dream! (:
Blessings-
B
Well, no surprise here, the test was negative but I have to say I was a bit disappointed. SHOCKER - right? Is the fact that I still get disappointed when I see the words NOT PREGNANT a shock to anyone? Probably not but I have to say that I get frustrated with myself knowing that this can still be an issue. After all that God has done for me and after all that I have been delivered from - there is still a part of me that longs for another child and secretly wants to see the words PREGNANT again. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.
Now, I know full well that this is not healthy in any way, shape, or form. Believe me, you don't have to tell me this. It borders on obsession really, and possibly idol worship and that concerns me "on oh, so many levels" as my son would say. I want to be free of this for good - COMPLETELY free but I am beginning to think that is not what my God has planned. (:
So for now; I admit my faults, I hold on tight while I am on this roller coaster ride, and I wait to see what God has in store for me. I know it will be good and I trust Him WAY more than I trust any beautiful, precious, dramatic, God-fearing 3 year old with a dream! (:
Blessings-
B
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Just hang on...
It has been a while. I have not blogged at all lately and I have to say that it is not because I have not wanted to or that God has not been working in my life but because I am working full time again outside of the home!! Whew, it is harder than I remember but then again, I do have two children now with busy social calendars! (:
I am working at the kid's school and I must say that I love it. It is so nice to work at a place where everyone loves the Lord and prays for one another. There is nothing better than arriving at work and being able to share Christ all day long with anyone and everyone you come into contact with. I am so blessed to have this job and I am so grateful to God.
God placed something on my hear the other day and I wanted to share it with all of you....
Long ago when I was in the throws of despair and depression and suffering with infertility, I was searching for wisdom and comfort in books that had been written by other ladies who were suffering with the same problems as me. There was one book that I read that had stories of ladies who were barren and unfortunately, they all remained barren throughout the book. No one ever got pregnant, no one ever had that positive pregnancy test; they all just found comfort and deliverance in God alone. Now at the time, I was not at all ready for that nor did I understand it. I was quite put out with this book and the fact that NO ONE had their prayer answered. Would I be just like them?
One particular story stayed with me about a lady who never had children but felt sure that God had a plan where she would mother someone, even if it weren't her own flesh and blood. Much later in her life, she began mentoring young ladies at her church and became a "mother-figure" to them all in a spiritual sense. She was so pleased after all of the years that she suffered with being barren, to finally be a mother to someone. I never "got it". I never understood how that could fulfill that very strong desire she had to be a mom. Oh I prayed, please Lord, I do not want that. I want my own child - not just "other people's children".
Thankfully, the Lord rescued me from my own sad and dark place by blessing me with another child but then allowed me to get pregnant all over again, just to lose that baby. I thought I would never recover. It felt like the final blow. How in the world could He deliver me again to a place where I could live fully without that precious baby? I felt like it wasn't possible.
But we all know the story... I am here and can say with all honesty that He has completely delivered me and healed me from the inside out. And just like that lady in the book that I read so many years ago, I feel as though He has blessed me with a multitude of children that are not even my own. Not only to I get to love on, mentor, and teach 14 three and four year olds two days a week, I have been blessed with a great group of kids in my son's 5th grade class that I have grown to know and love. I feel as though these children are my own in a way. God has taken me to a place where I now understand where that precious lady was coming from. These kids may not be my own flesh and blood but they are mine in Christ and He has graciously placed them in my life for a purpose all of His own. I am so thankful to have my own two children here, one up in Heaven and in the arms of Jesus, and more than 50 others at RRCA too. I could not be more blessed and I am forever thankful to God above for my most precious blessings.
If you are suffering as I did for so long - hang on, dear one. There is relief coming soon. It may be in the form of a child in your womb or by adoption, it may in the form of mentoring other children in the name of Christ, or it may be in the form of Christ Himself. In any way, you will NOT be disappointed. His plan is the best plan and you too will one day see it for yourself.
Just hang on....
I am working at the kid's school and I must say that I love it. It is so nice to work at a place where everyone loves the Lord and prays for one another. There is nothing better than arriving at work and being able to share Christ all day long with anyone and everyone you come into contact with. I am so blessed to have this job and I am so grateful to God.
God placed something on my hear the other day and I wanted to share it with all of you....
Long ago when I was in the throws of despair and depression and suffering with infertility, I was searching for wisdom and comfort in books that had been written by other ladies who were suffering with the same problems as me. There was one book that I read that had stories of ladies who were barren and unfortunately, they all remained barren throughout the book. No one ever got pregnant, no one ever had that positive pregnancy test; they all just found comfort and deliverance in God alone. Now at the time, I was not at all ready for that nor did I understand it. I was quite put out with this book and the fact that NO ONE had their prayer answered. Would I be just like them?
One particular story stayed with me about a lady who never had children but felt sure that God had a plan where she would mother someone, even if it weren't her own flesh and blood. Much later in her life, she began mentoring young ladies at her church and became a "mother-figure" to them all in a spiritual sense. She was so pleased after all of the years that she suffered with being barren, to finally be a mother to someone. I never "got it". I never understood how that could fulfill that very strong desire she had to be a mom. Oh I prayed, please Lord, I do not want that. I want my own child - not just "other people's children".
Thankfully, the Lord rescued me from my own sad and dark place by blessing me with another child but then allowed me to get pregnant all over again, just to lose that baby. I thought I would never recover. It felt like the final blow. How in the world could He deliver me again to a place where I could live fully without that precious baby? I felt like it wasn't possible.
But we all know the story... I am here and can say with all honesty that He has completely delivered me and healed me from the inside out. And just like that lady in the book that I read so many years ago, I feel as though He has blessed me with a multitude of children that are not even my own. Not only to I get to love on, mentor, and teach 14 three and four year olds two days a week, I have been blessed with a great group of kids in my son's 5th grade class that I have grown to know and love. I feel as though these children are my own in a way. God has taken me to a place where I now understand where that precious lady was coming from. These kids may not be my own flesh and blood but they are mine in Christ and He has graciously placed them in my life for a purpose all of His own. I am so thankful to have my own two children here, one up in Heaven and in the arms of Jesus, and more than 50 others at RRCA too. I could not be more blessed and I am forever thankful to God above for my most precious blessings.
If you are suffering as I did for so long - hang on, dear one. There is relief coming soon. It may be in the form of a child in your womb or by adoption, it may in the form of mentoring other children in the name of Christ, or it may be in the form of Christ Himself. In any way, you will NOT be disappointed. His plan is the best plan and you too will one day see it for yourself.
Just hang on....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My darling little one...
It was a good day. Way better than I expected.
I received a personal word from God this morning...
Support from friends this afternoon...
Love from my family this evening...
And flowers from my Tammy just like last year...
On this August 14th, I remembered Faith and celebrated her the best way I knew how.
I rejoiced in God, thanked Him for my life, and began to move on with the help and the love of Jesus.
See you one day soon, my darling little one.
Love, Mommy
I received a personal word from God this morning...
Support from friends this afternoon...
Love from my family this evening...
And flowers from my Tammy just like last year...
On this August 14th, I remembered Faith and celebrated her the best way I knew how.
I rejoiced in God, thanked Him for my life, and began to move on with the help and the love of Jesus.
See you one day soon, my darling little one.
Love, Mommy
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
My blessings...
Oh, and I thought I would post a picture of my blessings... the smiles and the eyes and those faces that keep me going everyday and thrill my heart beyond words:
Aren't they just beautiful?!
I am in love with my life.
I am in love with these children.
And I am so thankful for them!
Has it already been a year?
Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of baby Faith's going Home to see Jesus. I can not believe that it has been a full year since I started blogging "Our story". It has definitely been therapeutic in so many ways. I do feel free of the intense pain that I felt when I started this blog but there still a small empty place in my heart where Faith will always be. I wish desperately that I could have held her and celebrated her milestones just as I am doing with my other children now but I know that God had bigger and better plans for her by taking her Home. I pray that as I reflect on her little short life and all that has transpired since, I remember that God has been in control all along. Over the last year, He has renewed me and delivered me just as He did when I had Savannah. In that instance, He delivered me by giving her to me and answering prayer but in this instance, He delivered me merely by His presence, His word, and His love. I can't say that is one is better than the other because they are both from Him, but I can say that I have accepted His plan for me fully and do not plan on turning back.
Who knows what will happen from here. My 35th b-day came and went and I am still standing. I knew He would see me through. It was an incredibly emotional week but it passed and I know that was because of Him and His reminders of all that is good in my life. My future is totally in His hands and I would not have it any other way.
From here on out... I am not looking back unless He instructs me to. And I will take whatever He sends my way. Not because I am strong enough but strictly because I love Him more than anything.
Think of Faith tomorrow if you would. She is quite blessed - she has seen what none of us have. The eyes, the face, and the arms of Jesus.
Wow. What a precious and sweet thought.
Who knows what will happen from here. My 35th b-day came and went and I am still standing. I knew He would see me through. It was an incredibly emotional week but it passed and I know that was because of Him and His reminders of all that is good in my life. My future is totally in His hands and I would not have it any other way.
From here on out... I am not looking back unless He instructs me to. And I will take whatever He sends my way. Not because I am strong enough but strictly because I love Him more than anything.
Think of Faith tomorrow if you would. She is quite blessed - she has seen what none of us have. The eyes, the face, and the arms of Jesus.
Wow. What a precious and sweet thought.
Thank you...
John 10:10 - "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."
I indeed have abundant life in spite of the trials and sufferings that I have faced. You are my everything, God and I am more grateful for everything than I am sad about anything.
Thank you my Lord.
I indeed have abundant life in spite of the trials and sufferings that I have faced. You are my everything, God and I am more grateful for everything than I am sad about anything.
Thank you my Lord.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
I think the funk is lifting...
Feeling better today and I am thankful.
Played a little paintball with my family and some great friends all morning. We all have the bruises to prove it. Then, we went swimming at a friend's for the afternoon. It was nice and relaxing - full of fun and blessings.
A friend brought her newest addition to the pool and he is just precious. I held him and loved him and put him to sleep by swaying, patting, bouncing and shhhhing. He just melted in my arms. Boy, I miss that but I was OK with giving him back and that is HUGE in my book. Some days the pain is still there and too much to bear and on some days I can not imagine going back to that place in parenting. I think that is what I call progress. Not that I wouldn't ever do it all over again but the fact that I am OK with not having a baby on most days is good enough for me.
1 day to go and I am feeling like I can do it. God has worked on me and has comforted me since my last post 48 hours ago and I feel like the "funk" is lifting.
On to celebrating new memories, new chapters, and new life... even if they do not come from me. (:
Played a little paintball with my family and some great friends all morning. We all have the bruises to prove it. Then, we went swimming at a friend's for the afternoon. It was nice and relaxing - full of fun and blessings.
A friend brought her newest addition to the pool and he is just precious. I held him and loved him and put him to sleep by swaying, patting, bouncing and shhhhing. He just melted in my arms. Boy, I miss that but I was OK with giving him back and that is HUGE in my book. Some days the pain is still there and too much to bear and on some days I can not imagine going back to that place in parenting. I think that is what I call progress. Not that I wouldn't ever do it all over again but the fact that I am OK with not having a baby on most days is good enough for me.
1 day to go and I am feeling like I can do it. God has worked on me and has comforted me since my last post 48 hours ago and I feel like the "funk" is lifting.
On to celebrating new memories, new chapters, and new life... even if they do not come from me. (:
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Closing the chapter...
I always said that I wanted to have all of my children by the time I was 35. My hubby and I always said that we would try until that time and then once it was here, we would close the chapter on trying to have babies no matter what we had been through.
Well, I turn 35 on this Sunday, August 3rd and in a last ditch effort to have one more baby before that day arrived, we tried very hard to get pregnant this last month. I tested today and my test was negative.
I guess I have my answer...
On this birthday coming up, I will celebrate the two most beautiful, smart, funny, charismatic, precious, and spiritually aware children that anyone could ever have. I am forever grateful for them and the gift that God gave me in them.
I will also mourn the loss of the child I wished I could be holding right now. She would have been 16 months old and her name is Faith. She is real and not many remember - only a few. But I remember her and I will never forget.
I will celebrate my husband of almost 13 years and thank God for giving me the most understanding, compassionate, passionate, caring, and loving man that I could have ever asked for. Without him, I would have never survived all these years of infertility.
I will also mourn the loss of my dream... the dream of being a mom many times over. The loss of being able to shout out to my husband "I am pregnant!!" just one more time. The loss of seeing my belly grow in anticipation of a new little life. The loss of having the big family that I so desperately longed for. The loss of seeing my son get to be a big brother again and my daughter never getting "the baby sister" that she has asked for.
But, as hard as it will be on that day, I will wholeheartedly celebrate God and the path that He chose for me. Even though it is not my choice exactly and not what I want in regards to having more children, I will always want Him more. And in order to have Him fully in my life, glorify Him, and worship Him, I must accept His plan.
I will ask Him to help me because I sure feel weak right now.
I will ask Him to be my strength because I feel like I do not have any.
I will ask Him to forgive me for wanting something other than what He wants because I know (and He knows) that I still do.
I will ask Him to catch my tears because there are plenty at this time.
And even though I know I shouldn't, I admit that I will beg Him to change His mind and allow me just one more miracle.
But as sure as the sun sets, I believe I will see Him "stick to His guns".
Not because He can not perform the miracle that I so desperately want but because He will not perform it if it is not a part of His will and His plan for my life. He will only allow in my life what He knows I can handle and what will in turn, bring glory to Him. I accept that plan because He is my God and my Savior and because I love Him. He allows it because He loves me.
3 days to go until the chapter is finished...
3 days to go until I can be done...
3 days to go until I can close the book and hopefully not look back...
God - help me. I can not do this one alone.
B
Well, I turn 35 on this Sunday, August 3rd and in a last ditch effort to have one more baby before that day arrived, we tried very hard to get pregnant this last month. I tested today and my test was negative.
I guess I have my answer...
On this birthday coming up, I will celebrate the two most beautiful, smart, funny, charismatic, precious, and spiritually aware children that anyone could ever have. I am forever grateful for them and the gift that God gave me in them.
I will also mourn the loss of the child I wished I could be holding right now. She would have been 16 months old and her name is Faith. She is real and not many remember - only a few. But I remember her and I will never forget.
I will celebrate my husband of almost 13 years and thank God for giving me the most understanding, compassionate, passionate, caring, and loving man that I could have ever asked for. Without him, I would have never survived all these years of infertility.
I will also mourn the loss of my dream... the dream of being a mom many times over. The loss of being able to shout out to my husband "I am pregnant!!" just one more time. The loss of seeing my belly grow in anticipation of a new little life. The loss of having the big family that I so desperately longed for. The loss of seeing my son get to be a big brother again and my daughter never getting "the baby sister" that she has asked for.
But, as hard as it will be on that day, I will wholeheartedly celebrate God and the path that He chose for me. Even though it is not my choice exactly and not what I want in regards to having more children, I will always want Him more. And in order to have Him fully in my life, glorify Him, and worship Him, I must accept His plan.
I will ask Him to help me because I sure feel weak right now.
I will ask Him to be my strength because I feel like I do not have any.
I will ask Him to forgive me for wanting something other than what He wants because I know (and He knows) that I still do.
I will ask Him to catch my tears because there are plenty at this time.
And even though I know I shouldn't, I admit that I will beg Him to change His mind and allow me just one more miracle.
But as sure as the sun sets, I believe I will see Him "stick to His guns".
Not because He can not perform the miracle that I so desperately want but because He will not perform it if it is not a part of His will and His plan for my life. He will only allow in my life what He knows I can handle and what will in turn, bring glory to Him. I accept that plan because He is my God and my Savior and because I love Him. He allows it because He loves me.
3 days to go until the chapter is finished...
3 days to go until I can be done...
3 days to go until I can close the book and hopefully not look back...
God - help me. I can not do this one alone.
B
Sunday, July 27, 2008
WOW!
What in the world happened today?????
I had a brief momentary lapse of reasoning and had myself a little hissy fit and a pity party all at once! I had a horribly bad attitude... and had it all even while at church!! Brave - hun?
I had a friend of mine who I adore and love tell me that she is expecting her third baby in February. After hugging her and telling her how happy I was (and I assure you that I am)I just suddenly got mad as I walked away. Madder than heck!
This is when I became schizophrenic!
I began thinking - why in the world can she get three and I can't?
Then I thought - why am I acting like this? How dare me!
Then I thought - I have a right to be upset... I can not exercise my ability to have children like most women can!
Then I replied with - You have 2 children that were given to you by God! How selfish are you?
The I said - I guess I am selfish and sometimes, I just have to be. I can't always be good.
And then I said - that is when you have to give it up and allow Him to take over.
I can not do it all, everyday, by myself. Some days, I need God to be my strength and I need to just be mad. Then as I confess it and give it over, He frees me of it... little by little.
One day, it won't hurt anymore. I am sure of it. God promises COMPLETE deliverance and redemption. My day is coming...
When I got home from church and I was looking for any word of wisdom in the midst of my fit, I began flipping through a little table top devotional that I received at my ladies retreat this past year. I flipped in a panic hoping and praying that God would have word for me. Even if that word was "SHUT UP!"
This is what I found:
"I confess to You, that I am overwhelmed by the task ahead, but I am thankful that You have authority over all things. Heaven is Your throne and earth is your footstool (Matthew 5:34-35): therefore, anything over my head is under Your feet." - Beth Moore
Praise God that He didn't tell me to SHUT UP! (:
Once again, He is here right in the middle of my pain. I know that until my day comes when I no longer long for more children or the child that I lost, He will be there every step of the way. Guiding me... encouraging me... hearing me... and loving me.
Isn't He good even when everything seems bad!
Philippians 4:13- "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
What in the world happened today?????
I had a brief momentary lapse of reasoning and had myself a little hissy fit and a pity party all at once! I had a horribly bad attitude... and had it all even while at church!! Brave - hun?
I had a friend of mine who I adore and love tell me that she is expecting her third baby in February. After hugging her and telling her how happy I was (and I assure you that I am)I just suddenly got mad as I walked away. Madder than heck!
This is when I became schizophrenic!
I began thinking - why in the world can she get three and I can't?
Then I thought - why am I acting like this? How dare me!
Then I thought - I have a right to be upset... I can not exercise my ability to have children like most women can!
Then I replied with - You have 2 children that were given to you by God! How selfish are you?
The I said - I guess I am selfish and sometimes, I just have to be. I can't always be good.
And then I said - that is when you have to give it up and allow Him to take over.
I can not do it all, everyday, by myself. Some days, I need God to be my strength and I need to just be mad. Then as I confess it and give it over, He frees me of it... little by little.
One day, it won't hurt anymore. I am sure of it. God promises COMPLETE deliverance and redemption. My day is coming...
When I got home from church and I was looking for any word of wisdom in the midst of my fit, I began flipping through a little table top devotional that I received at my ladies retreat this past year. I flipped in a panic hoping and praying that God would have word for me. Even if that word was "SHUT UP!"
This is what I found:
"I confess to You, that I am overwhelmed by the task ahead, but I am thankful that You have authority over all things. Heaven is Your throne and earth is your footstool (Matthew 5:34-35): therefore, anything over my head is under Your feet." - Beth Moore
Praise God that He didn't tell me to SHUT UP! (:
Once again, He is here right in the middle of my pain. I know that until my day comes when I no longer long for more children or the child that I lost, He will be there every step of the way. Guiding me... encouraging me... hearing me... and loving me.
Isn't He good even when everything seems bad!
Philippians 4:13- "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Maybe one day... Our story, Part 14
August 14th & 15th, 2006-
We walked in the door and our son met us in the hallway. He bounced over to us with his wide toothy grin and gave me a big hug.
"How is the baby?", he said.
"Well, Buddy..." I stopped for a minute, "there is something that Daddy and I need to talk to you about."
"That baby is dead, isn't it?", he said.
Did he just say that to us? I couldn't believe it... I looked to my mom to see if she had said anything to him before we had got there and she shook her head 'no' with tears in her eyes. I looked back at those big brown eyes that were staring up at me and continued...
"Why do you say that, bud?"
"I just know... the baby is dead, right?", he repeated.
"Well, yes sweetie. Our baby is not alive. It is up in heaven with Jesus.", I said.
"I knew it.", he said softly.
He gave me a squeeze and walked away. I gave him a few moments and then went to check on him. He was crying... sitting on our stairs - alone. It was a moment that was very hard for us all but I remember feeling very strong at that time. I didn't cry, I just told him it was going to be OK and that God had a plan and that His plan is best. I truly believe that God gave me the words and provided me with the strength that I needed to get through that conversation. But, I thought and still think it was quite interesting that Jace knew before we got home. I guess that sometimes kids just know... maybe God prepares their little hearts. Sometimes, we think they don't or that they can't somehow comprehend things of this caliber but much to our surprise, they can. God made them so precious and so perfect and so wonderful and so smart. Sometimes, I think they know more than we do because their faith is so pure.
Our son never asked about why or when or how. He just accepted what had happened and the explanation that I had given him. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that when times get hard? Just accept what God had for us and moved on.
I knew the next day would be hard but I was ready to get the surgery over with. I went through the rest of the day completely numb. I had no feeling at all, really. It was strange. I remember talking to my best friend on the phone who was away in Colorado and her crying when I told her. I remember that I was consoling her and telling her that it was going to be OK. In turn, you would have thought that I would have been the one who was sobbing and needing to be consoled but I wasn't. God was right there with me, holding my hand and providing all that I needed to make it through. I give absolutely NO credit to me... I am absolutely NOT capable of handling these types of situations - especially the death of my own child but God was so good to me and delivered me once again when I needed it most. How could I ever thank Him enough? My heart swells with gratefulness when I think on it... I could have started a downward spiral into the depths of depression right there at that very moment but he rescued me that day and gave me peace I needed. Once again, He had shown Himself mighty and precious and our relationship was taken to a new level even in the midst of my grief.
The next morning came quickly and we prepared for the D&C. I don't remember much but I do remember still feeling numb. I was just going through the motions at this point. We signed in, headed back, got the IV, spoke to the doctor, and waited for our turn. What conversation Chris and I had that morning was smalltalk. There was no talk of the baby. I didn't want to loose that strength that I had found in the last 24 hours.
They came for me and I said goodbye to my hubby. He stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and smiled sweetly. I knew what he was saying... and he didn't even have to say it at all. They wheeled me away and as I stared at the ceiling and the lights that zoomed past one by one, I began to feel tremendous pain. My heart began to hurt and I began to cry. We stopped in a room and a woman with a surgical mask bent over me and saw my face. My eyes locked onto hers and before I drifted off to sleep, she said these words...
"God is with you and your baby. He will take care of you".
I nodded my head and fell asleep.
Even there on that surgery table where all is sterile and cold and lonely, God appeared once again and provided some much needed peace and understanding through one of his servants. I never got that nurse's name nor saw her face again but I wish I could have said thank you to her. Maybe one day, I will get to.
We walked in the door and our son met us in the hallway. He bounced over to us with his wide toothy grin and gave me a big hug.
"How is the baby?", he said.
"Well, Buddy..." I stopped for a minute, "there is something that Daddy and I need to talk to you about."
"That baby is dead, isn't it?", he said.
Did he just say that to us? I couldn't believe it... I looked to my mom to see if she had said anything to him before we had got there and she shook her head 'no' with tears in her eyes. I looked back at those big brown eyes that were staring up at me and continued...
"Why do you say that, bud?"
"I just know... the baby is dead, right?", he repeated.
"Well, yes sweetie. Our baby is not alive. It is up in heaven with Jesus.", I said.
"I knew it.", he said softly.
He gave me a squeeze and walked away. I gave him a few moments and then went to check on him. He was crying... sitting on our stairs - alone. It was a moment that was very hard for us all but I remember feeling very strong at that time. I didn't cry, I just told him it was going to be OK and that God had a plan and that His plan is best. I truly believe that God gave me the words and provided me with the strength that I needed to get through that conversation. But, I thought and still think it was quite interesting that Jace knew before we got home. I guess that sometimes kids just know... maybe God prepares their little hearts. Sometimes, we think they don't or that they can't somehow comprehend things of this caliber but much to our surprise, they can. God made them so precious and so perfect and so wonderful and so smart. Sometimes, I think they know more than we do because their faith is so pure.
Our son never asked about why or when or how. He just accepted what had happened and the explanation that I had given him. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that when times get hard? Just accept what God had for us and moved on.
I knew the next day would be hard but I was ready to get the surgery over with. I went through the rest of the day completely numb. I had no feeling at all, really. It was strange. I remember talking to my best friend on the phone who was away in Colorado and her crying when I told her. I remember that I was consoling her and telling her that it was going to be OK. In turn, you would have thought that I would have been the one who was sobbing and needing to be consoled but I wasn't. God was right there with me, holding my hand and providing all that I needed to make it through. I give absolutely NO credit to me... I am absolutely NOT capable of handling these types of situations - especially the death of my own child but God was so good to me and delivered me once again when I needed it most. How could I ever thank Him enough? My heart swells with gratefulness when I think on it... I could have started a downward spiral into the depths of depression right there at that very moment but he rescued me that day and gave me peace I needed. Once again, He had shown Himself mighty and precious and our relationship was taken to a new level even in the midst of my grief.
The next morning came quickly and we prepared for the D&C. I don't remember much but I do remember still feeling numb. I was just going through the motions at this point. We signed in, headed back, got the IV, spoke to the doctor, and waited for our turn. What conversation Chris and I had that morning was smalltalk. There was no talk of the baby. I didn't want to loose that strength that I had found in the last 24 hours.
They came for me and I said goodbye to my hubby. He stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and smiled sweetly. I knew what he was saying... and he didn't even have to say it at all. They wheeled me away and as I stared at the ceiling and the lights that zoomed past one by one, I began to feel tremendous pain. My heart began to hurt and I began to cry. We stopped in a room and a woman with a surgical mask bent over me and saw my face. My eyes locked onto hers and before I drifted off to sleep, she said these words...
"God is with you and your baby. He will take care of you".
I nodded my head and fell asleep.
Even there on that surgery table where all is sterile and cold and lonely, God appeared once again and provided some much needed peace and understanding through one of his servants. I never got that nurse's name nor saw her face again but I wish I could have said thank you to her. Maybe one day, I will get to.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Always There... Our Story, Part 13
As Chris and I left our doctor's office, we felt completely numb and totally in shock. What I had always dreaded most in my life was happening - we had lost one of our children. Even though I did not hold this baby in my arms, I felt I knew this baby already. She had grown in my belly and was purposed by God and to me, she was just as real as my son and daughter were. I love her already and the fact that she was no longer, was more than my brain or my heart could wrap around.
We had talked with my doctor and had decided to go ahead with a D&C instead of waiting for the actual miscarriage so we headed downstairs to the surgery center to sign papers and get all the info that we needed. It would be scheduled for the next morning.
While we sat and as I filled out paper work, I told my husband to call my mom who was at home watching our kiddos. I asked him to let her know what was going on without too much detail and for him to tell her NOT to tell the kids. I wanted to be able to tell them myself when we got home - especially Jace. He made the call... he was sweet and gentle and filled her in. She didn't believe him at first but he pressed the issue until she figured out that this was not some sort of sick joke. This was actual happening and now her baby had lost a baby of her own.
We signed the paperwork and prepared to go home to tell our children, especially our son, what had happened with the baby. We were walking toward the door and I saw a piece of paper folded up and lying in front of me. I picked it up thinking that maybe I had dropped one of the papers from the hospital but imagine my surprise when I opened it and all I saw were these words:
ROMANS 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
My God is always there - just when I need Him most. Our God is so good... even in the midst of my deepest sorrow and grief, He appeared and set my heart at ease. It didn't remove the pain that I was feeling but it lessened it by reminding me how much He loved me and how NOTHING could separate me from that great love. They were the perfect words from a perfect God that an imperfect person needed at a perfect time. Praise you Father.
We had talked with my doctor and had decided to go ahead with a D&C instead of waiting for the actual miscarriage so we headed downstairs to the surgery center to sign papers and get all the info that we needed. It would be scheduled for the next morning.
While we sat and as I filled out paper work, I told my husband to call my mom who was at home watching our kiddos. I asked him to let her know what was going on without too much detail and for him to tell her NOT to tell the kids. I wanted to be able to tell them myself when we got home - especially Jace. He made the call... he was sweet and gentle and filled her in. She didn't believe him at first but he pressed the issue until she figured out that this was not some sort of sick joke. This was actual happening and now her baby had lost a baby of her own.
We signed the paperwork and prepared to go home to tell our children, especially our son, what had happened with the baby. We were walking toward the door and I saw a piece of paper folded up and lying in front of me. I picked it up thinking that maybe I had dropped one of the papers from the hospital but imagine my surprise when I opened it and all I saw were these words:
ROMANS 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
My God is always there - just when I need Him most. Our God is so good... even in the midst of my deepest sorrow and grief, He appeared and set my heart at ease. It didn't remove the pain that I was feeling but it lessened it by reminding me how much He loved me and how NOTHING could separate me from that great love. They were the perfect words from a perfect God that an imperfect person needed at a perfect time. Praise you Father.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
"Our Nightmare" - Our Story, Part 12
This pregnancy was a HUGE surprise but very welcomed. We were thrilled and overjoyed to be expecting a third baby and especially after only trying for one month! How good is God?! We were also, to be completely honest, scared to death! When this baby was due to be born, my little girl would only be 26 months old. Wow. I did not know how I was going to do it. When I had Savannah, my son was 7!! I had never had two babies in the house at once but I knew that God would take care of it all. I didn't need to worry about the future right now. All I had to worry about at this very moment was the excruciating nausea that was about to hit and how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital this time around.
Like clockwork, at 5 1/2 weeks along, I started to feel sick. Not horribly sick, just that constant and nagging feeling of nausea that lasted all day and all night long. I took that to be a good sign! This must be a strong baby and a healthy pregnancy. I felt this way with both of my others and they were just fine. I called my OB/GYN and asked for a blood test to confirm my dates. I went in and had my blood drawn and they called that afternoon to say that everything was OK. My levels weren't high and they were not low - they were perfectly in the middle. I hung up the phone and awaited the next blood draw that would take place in 48 hours. My levels should have doubled by that time and then after that I would go in for an ultrasound. We were on our way to having another little miracle...
BUT, something felt wrong to me. I wasn't getting SUPER sick like I did with my son or my daughter. I was very nauseated but I wasn't throwing my guts up and I hadn't ended up in the hospital yet for dehydration. Hmmmm. Then, we we received our second test results, the levels had doubled like they were supposed to, but just barely. It made me very nervous and I remember talking to my mom, my husband, and my sister who assured me that all was OK - that I was just having some anxiety over it all. I had to admit that they were right... everything looked OK but something still seemed wrong. I decided to try to place it out of my mind and move forward with the pregnancy. Had I not learned to rely on God and stop looking to myself for answers?!!! My goodness... hadn't He shown me enough in the past for me to just trust Him completely and not take it all in my own hands?! Boy, we sometimes can be so stubborn.
I went in for a ultrasound at about 5 1/2 to 6 wks. knowing what to expect. Since I was an OB/GYN nurse who also worked for 4 years as an OB ultrasound technician, I knew just what I was going to see on the screen. I needed to see two things for me to feel comfortable. One, that the pregnancy was inside the uterus and two, I needed to see a yolk sac. For those of you who do not know what that is, it is a little white appearing ring seen during those scans - you can see it before you can see the baby! It is the source of nutrition for the baby that is visible in the early weeks prior to the placenta taking over. At that visit, I saw one out of the two things. The pregnancy was in the uterus but I saw no yolk sac. The nurse assured me that that could be normal and that I could be off on my dates, etc. For me not to worry and that they would see me back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound. OK, I thought... I just need to get through 3 weeks and once I see that baby and it's heartbeat, I will feel much better.
We left the doctor and pondered what I saw on the scan quite a bit. Would the baby be OK? Is everything growing the way it should? Did we press our luck and ask for too much? Could the office have missed something? My mind was wondering and I was beginning to panic again. I had to just stop and take a deep breath. "All is OK", I kept telling myself. Stop thinking the worse...
The next 3 weeks seemed to take forever. I took my Zofran every 8 hours and kept the nausea at bay the best I could. I never threw up and for that I was thankful. The few days prior to my ultrasound, I seemed to feel a little better. I was up, moving around and taking care of my kids. I felt like the Zofran was working and I was feeling quite good to be 8.5 weeks along. At this time in my last pregnancy, I was in the hospital for the second straight week about to receive a central line so they could feed me. This go around, I was up and trying to play with my 18 month old. I thought it could be an answer to prayer! We had prayed for me not to be so sick and I was hoping that was why I was feeling like I was feeling.
On August 14th, 2006, my husband and I went in to see my doctor. We purposely left our 8 year old behind "just in case" something were wrong. As I hopped on the table so the ultrasound technician could do her thing, I was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't wait to see that little teddy bear on the screen with that heart going a mile a minute. I knew this pregnancy was different and even though I had allowed those feelings of uncertainity to come in and haunt me for the prior 3 weeks, I was still optimistic about what God was doing in my womb. I was ecstatic to be having another little miracle. The young lady who started my scan never turned the screen my way - which totally annoyed me. Didn't she know that I was there to see my baby and didn't she know that I KNEW what I was looking at. I wasn't some patient who didn't have a clue what was going on - I use to work with this very doctor for goodness sake!
"May I look please?", I said to her.
"Um, let me get a few measurements. You know I can not say anything to you. You have to wait for the doctor".
Whatever, I thought. Just show me the screen already!!! She never did. She kept looking, and pushing buttons, and measuring, and ignoring me. I was getting anxious.
"I want to see the screen", I told her again.
She repeated herself, "I can not tell you anything about the scan."
"I know that", I said. "Just let me see my baby".
She tore off the pictures and turned it toward me. There on the screen was my precious baby. A little part of me and my husband. My children's sibling and my parent's grandchild. But this time around, I could tell there was no life there. It lay motionless, with no heartbeat, and measured only 7weeks and 5 days. My baby had been dead for almost a week and deep down, I think I had known it.
She hurried out of the room and I turned to my husband and began to cry. He was smiling because he had no idea what he was looking at. He thought all was OK.
"That is not a normal baby. That baby is not alive. Our baby is not alive!!"
By that point I was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. My hubby said that maybe I was wrong and that maybe everything was actually OK but I told him otherwise. I knew what I had seen on that screen and I knew what I had been feeling deep down in my gut all this time was true... and yet, I couldn't believe it. I was in total shock. I was definitely pregnant again, but this time my ending wasn't going to be a fairytale... it was turning into a nightmare.
"
Like clockwork, at 5 1/2 weeks along, I started to feel sick. Not horribly sick, just that constant and nagging feeling of nausea that lasted all day and all night long. I took that to be a good sign! This must be a strong baby and a healthy pregnancy. I felt this way with both of my others and they were just fine. I called my OB/GYN and asked for a blood test to confirm my dates. I went in and had my blood drawn and they called that afternoon to say that everything was OK. My levels weren't high and they were not low - they were perfectly in the middle. I hung up the phone and awaited the next blood draw that would take place in 48 hours. My levels should have doubled by that time and then after that I would go in for an ultrasound. We were on our way to having another little miracle...
BUT, something felt wrong to me. I wasn't getting SUPER sick like I did with my son or my daughter. I was very nauseated but I wasn't throwing my guts up and I hadn't ended up in the hospital yet for dehydration. Hmmmm. Then, we we received our second test results, the levels had doubled like they were supposed to, but just barely. It made me very nervous and I remember talking to my mom, my husband, and my sister who assured me that all was OK - that I was just having some anxiety over it all. I had to admit that they were right... everything looked OK but something still seemed wrong. I decided to try to place it out of my mind and move forward with the pregnancy. Had I not learned to rely on God and stop looking to myself for answers?!!! My goodness... hadn't He shown me enough in the past for me to just trust Him completely and not take it all in my own hands?! Boy, we sometimes can be so stubborn.
I went in for a ultrasound at about 5 1/2 to 6 wks. knowing what to expect. Since I was an OB/GYN nurse who also worked for 4 years as an OB ultrasound technician, I knew just what I was going to see on the screen. I needed to see two things for me to feel comfortable. One, that the pregnancy was inside the uterus and two, I needed to see a yolk sac. For those of you who do not know what that is, it is a little white appearing ring seen during those scans - you can see it before you can see the baby! It is the source of nutrition for the baby that is visible in the early weeks prior to the placenta taking over. At that visit, I saw one out of the two things. The pregnancy was in the uterus but I saw no yolk sac. The nurse assured me that that could be normal and that I could be off on my dates, etc. For me not to worry and that they would see me back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound. OK, I thought... I just need to get through 3 weeks and once I see that baby and it's heartbeat, I will feel much better.
We left the doctor and pondered what I saw on the scan quite a bit. Would the baby be OK? Is everything growing the way it should? Did we press our luck and ask for too much? Could the office have missed something? My mind was wondering and I was beginning to panic again. I had to just stop and take a deep breath. "All is OK", I kept telling myself. Stop thinking the worse...
The next 3 weeks seemed to take forever. I took my Zofran every 8 hours and kept the nausea at bay the best I could. I never threw up and for that I was thankful. The few days prior to my ultrasound, I seemed to feel a little better. I was up, moving around and taking care of my kids. I felt like the Zofran was working and I was feeling quite good to be 8.5 weeks along. At this time in my last pregnancy, I was in the hospital for the second straight week about to receive a central line so they could feed me. This go around, I was up and trying to play with my 18 month old. I thought it could be an answer to prayer! We had prayed for me not to be so sick and I was hoping that was why I was feeling like I was feeling.
On August 14th, 2006, my husband and I went in to see my doctor. We purposely left our 8 year old behind "just in case" something were wrong. As I hopped on the table so the ultrasound technician could do her thing, I was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't wait to see that little teddy bear on the screen with that heart going a mile a minute. I knew this pregnancy was different and even though I had allowed those feelings of uncertainity to come in and haunt me for the prior 3 weeks, I was still optimistic about what God was doing in my womb. I was ecstatic to be having another little miracle. The young lady who started my scan never turned the screen my way - which totally annoyed me. Didn't she know that I was there to see my baby and didn't she know that I KNEW what I was looking at. I wasn't some patient who didn't have a clue what was going on - I use to work with this very doctor for goodness sake!
"May I look please?", I said to her.
"Um, let me get a few measurements. You know I can not say anything to you. You have to wait for the doctor".
Whatever, I thought. Just show me the screen already!!! She never did. She kept looking, and pushing buttons, and measuring, and ignoring me. I was getting anxious.
"I want to see the screen", I told her again.
She repeated herself, "I can not tell you anything about the scan."
"I know that", I said. "Just let me see my baby".
She tore off the pictures and turned it toward me. There on the screen was my precious baby. A little part of me and my husband. My children's sibling and my parent's grandchild. But this time around, I could tell there was no life there. It lay motionless, with no heartbeat, and measured only 7weeks and 5 days. My baby had been dead for almost a week and deep down, I think I had known it.
She hurried out of the room and I turned to my husband and began to cry. He was smiling because he had no idea what he was looking at. He thought all was OK.
"That is not a normal baby. That baby is not alive. Our baby is not alive!!"
By that point I was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. My hubby said that maybe I was wrong and that maybe everything was actually OK but I told him otherwise. I knew what I had seen on that screen and I knew what I had been feeling deep down in my gut all this time was true... and yet, I couldn't believe it. I was in total shock. I was definitely pregnant again, but this time my ending wasn't going to be a fairytale... it was turning into a nightmare.
"
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Is this a joke? Our Story - Part 11
Chris and I were blessed and we knew it. There was nothing that would make me feel otherwise. We had a beautiful marriage, two fantastic miraculous children, a family that loved us, a great group of friends, good health; all around, we had a full life. There wasn't much more that I would have asked for. Not even another child. I was truly happy inside and out for the first time in a very long time and I felt like nothing could rock my world like infertility had. The worst was over... it was a cake walk from here.
In April of 2006, Chris and I had decided to once again, let God be in complete control over our reproductive life. We were so trained in knowing that pregnancy did not come easy for us that the thought of another child wasn't really even an option. I told him that I would LOVE another child but if it didn't happen, I was OK with that. He said that he was open to it if God wanted it for us but that we would not do any medication, treatments, doctors - nothing. I was good with that. We prayed about it and gave ourselves a time limit. We'll be conscious of ovulation for 6 months and if after 6 months of trying, we have had no "luck", we would know that it was time to close the book on having babies and move onto to a new chapter in our lives. We felt that since we were both on the same page and since neither of us had any word from God that we shouldn't try, that we would proceed and see what happens.
May came and you will have to excuse the term, we went for it. I think I did an ovulation predictor kit but nothing else. We prayed, I elevated my hips, and we left it in God's hands.
I didn't really count down the days after that. I always started on a Saturday and figured that if a couple of Saturdays went by and I hadn't started, that I would do a test then. Chris was never one to want me to test any earlier than the day of my missed period, so I just waited. My hands were full with a 8 1/2 year old and an 18 month old anyway so I didn't have much time to think about it.
Two weeks came around and that Saturday afternoon I was lying on the living room floor playing with Savannah and it struck me that I had not started my period yet. I still had plenty of time left in the day but Chris was about to leave to run to the store and on his way out I told him to pick a test up. He actually asked "why" and I told him that I suppose to start that day and if I didn't, it would save him a trip later. He kinda smirked the smirk he always smirked when I told him to get me a test and went on his way. You see, me doing pregnancy tests was nothing new. We probably should have purchased some sort of stock in one of those companies. I wouldn't doubt if the amount of money spent on those tests topped the $1000 mark. It was nothing new and the results usually weren't either. Mind you, out of all of them, it was only positive twice in my life.
He returned and I went to the bathroom to do the test. Imagine my surprise when I pulled that stick out and before my very eyes could focus on the test window, there was a plus sign on it. I gasped and then just started laughing hysterically. Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? We tried for years and years to finally have our baby girl and this time, we actually tried for one month and got pregnant?!?! I thought to myself, "Lord, you sure do have a sense of humor". I imagined Him laughing at me... sitting up there watching, saying "I can do anything, My child. Anything I want. It just has to be My way - My plan - My timing because My way is the best way for you". I ran quickly out into the living room and started cracking up as I handed my hubby the test. Chris knew as soon as he saw me - he didn't even have to look at the test.
"You have got to be kidding me", he said.
"Nope", I said. " I guess my gut feeling was right. He does want us to have more children!"
We hugged and laughed and smiled and laughed some more. It was a really great day. Jace was in shock but happy. All he requested was that "this time it be a boy". (:
God showed Himself mighty and powerful once again and we praised Him over and over for it. How in the world could we deserve this kind of happiness? I was astonished and thrilled. More babies to come? Wow! What a tremendous blessing. I didn't think that I could have been any happier after Savannah's birth but suddenly, I was.
Another little miracle was on it's way...
In April of 2006, Chris and I had decided to once again, let God be in complete control over our reproductive life. We were so trained in knowing that pregnancy did not come easy for us that the thought of another child wasn't really even an option. I told him that I would LOVE another child but if it didn't happen, I was OK with that. He said that he was open to it if God wanted it for us but that we would not do any medication, treatments, doctors - nothing. I was good with that. We prayed about it and gave ourselves a time limit. We'll be conscious of ovulation for 6 months and if after 6 months of trying, we have had no "luck", we would know that it was time to close the book on having babies and move onto to a new chapter in our lives. We felt that since we were both on the same page and since neither of us had any word from God that we shouldn't try, that we would proceed and see what happens.
May came and you will have to excuse the term, we went for it. I think I did an ovulation predictor kit but nothing else. We prayed, I elevated my hips, and we left it in God's hands.
I didn't really count down the days after that. I always started on a Saturday and figured that if a couple of Saturdays went by and I hadn't started, that I would do a test then. Chris was never one to want me to test any earlier than the day of my missed period, so I just waited. My hands were full with a 8 1/2 year old and an 18 month old anyway so I didn't have much time to think about it.
Two weeks came around and that Saturday afternoon I was lying on the living room floor playing with Savannah and it struck me that I had not started my period yet. I still had plenty of time left in the day but Chris was about to leave to run to the store and on his way out I told him to pick a test up. He actually asked "why" and I told him that I suppose to start that day and if I didn't, it would save him a trip later. He kinda smirked the smirk he always smirked when I told him to get me a test and went on his way. You see, me doing pregnancy tests was nothing new. We probably should have purchased some sort of stock in one of those companies. I wouldn't doubt if the amount of money spent on those tests topped the $1000 mark. It was nothing new and the results usually weren't either. Mind you, out of all of them, it was only positive twice in my life.
He returned and I went to the bathroom to do the test. Imagine my surprise when I pulled that stick out and before my very eyes could focus on the test window, there was a plus sign on it. I gasped and then just started laughing hysterically. Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? We tried for years and years to finally have our baby girl and this time, we actually tried for one month and got pregnant?!?! I thought to myself, "Lord, you sure do have a sense of humor". I imagined Him laughing at me... sitting up there watching, saying "I can do anything, My child. Anything I want. It just has to be My way - My plan - My timing because My way is the best way for you". I ran quickly out into the living room and started cracking up as I handed my hubby the test. Chris knew as soon as he saw me - he didn't even have to look at the test.
"You have got to be kidding me", he said.
"Nope", I said. " I guess my gut feeling was right. He does want us to have more children!"
We hugged and laughed and smiled and laughed some more. It was a really great day. Jace was in shock but happy. All he requested was that "this time it be a boy". (:
God showed Himself mighty and powerful once again and we praised Him over and over for it. How in the world could we deserve this kind of happiness? I was astonished and thrilled. More babies to come? Wow! What a tremendous blessing. I didn't think that I could have been any happier after Savannah's birth but suddenly, I was.
Another little miracle was on it's way...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Deliverance is here...
Friday, January 4, 2008
Enough? Not yet... Our story - Part 10
The months that followed Savannah's birth were glorious. I felt like I was at a place of complete peace. I felt like I had truly been delivered from all of the pain and the heartache that I had suffered with for so long. To be honest, I was on cloud nine! My family was in a great place and I was so thankful for my gifts. Nothing could be better than what I was experiencing as a mother and as a wife.
I savored every moment of having my daughter and of the months to come. The c-section, the recovery, the scars, the colic, the long nights with no sleep, the breastfeeding, the jaundice, the droopy body, the extra weight, the endless days at home - I really LOVED every part of being a mommy again. I felt as though everything in my life was perfect.
One day shortly after Savannah was born, I remember sitting in my bedroom talking with my husband. The conversation is as vivid in my mind today as the day she was born! We had been talking about her birth and the miraculousness of it when I stopped him in mid sentence and said...
"I want more."
There was a very looooooooooong pause and then silence. He just looked at me and grinned. He knew I was having one of those "Brandy moments".
Please play along, I thought. Don't tell me that I am crazy...
Chris, being the very rational person that he is, carefully said to me, "Be thankful for the children we have, honey, and stop always wanting more. It was hard enough to get these two. Let's just enjoy them!"
"I know, I know... and I do! I do enjoy them." I said. "I enjoy them so much that I have the desire to have more! It is possible! Look what God has done for us thus far. Look at these beautiful children! What if He has more in store for us? Would you be OK with more children?"
"Of course, I would." He said. "If God wants us to have more, then we will have more. BUT don't even think about infertility treatments, medications, or procedures. We are done with all that. We need to move on, honey."
Fair enough, I thought. I can handle that! If we are to have more - then we will. If we are not, then we won't. It was simple. I had the children that I had longed for, for so long and I would be fine with the 4 of us. It was really nice to be in that place... that place where I could really turn it over to Him without hesitation. I had never completely been there before. I knew - truly knew - in my heart that whatever happened in my future would be "Father-filtered" and would be just fine. I had my children - my two precious blessings and I felt great! I was so happy and I felt like nothing could take that feeling away from me.
Those months while I carried Savannah and the months following her birth were some of the most precious months of my life. Even though I continued to think about having more children, it did not consume me or my thoughts. I wanted God to work His plan for my life out in His way... I did not want to interfere but I couldn't help having the feeling deep down that we were not done. I can't explain it, I just felt it. I felt like there was something more to come. A child maybe? An adoption? Another miraculous birth? I didn't know what, but I felt it.
Scripture says the barren womb never cries "enough" and mine certainly hadn't.
I guess my womb just doesn't know when to stop...
I savored every moment of having my daughter and of the months to come. The c-section, the recovery, the scars, the colic, the long nights with no sleep, the breastfeeding, the jaundice, the droopy body, the extra weight, the endless days at home - I really LOVED every part of being a mommy again. I felt as though everything in my life was perfect.
One day shortly after Savannah was born, I remember sitting in my bedroom talking with my husband. The conversation is as vivid in my mind today as the day she was born! We had been talking about her birth and the miraculousness of it when I stopped him in mid sentence and said...
"I want more."
There was a very looooooooooong pause and then silence. He just looked at me and grinned. He knew I was having one of those "Brandy moments".
Please play along, I thought. Don't tell me that I am crazy...
Chris, being the very rational person that he is, carefully said to me, "Be thankful for the children we have, honey, and stop always wanting more. It was hard enough to get these two. Let's just enjoy them!"
"I know, I know... and I do! I do enjoy them." I said. "I enjoy them so much that I have the desire to have more! It is possible! Look what God has done for us thus far. Look at these beautiful children! What if He has more in store for us? Would you be OK with more children?"
"Of course, I would." He said. "If God wants us to have more, then we will have more. BUT don't even think about infertility treatments, medications, or procedures. We are done with all that. We need to move on, honey."
Fair enough, I thought. I can handle that! If we are to have more - then we will. If we are not, then we won't. It was simple. I had the children that I had longed for, for so long and I would be fine with the 4 of us. It was really nice to be in that place... that place where I could really turn it over to Him without hesitation. I had never completely been there before. I knew - truly knew - in my heart that whatever happened in my future would be "Father-filtered" and would be just fine. I had my children - my two precious blessings and I felt great! I was so happy and I felt like nothing could take that feeling away from me.
Those months while I carried Savannah and the months following her birth were some of the most precious months of my life. Even though I continued to think about having more children, it did not consume me or my thoughts. I wanted God to work His plan for my life out in His way... I did not want to interfere but I couldn't help having the feeling deep down that we were not done. I can't explain it, I just felt it. I felt like there was something more to come. A child maybe? An adoption? Another miraculous birth? I didn't know what, but I felt it.
Scripture says the barren womb never cries "enough" and mine certainly hadn't.
I guess my womb just doesn't know when to stop...
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