Maybe one day... Our story, Part 14

August 14th & 15th, 2006-

We walked in the door and our son met us in the hallway. He bounced over to us with his wide toothy grin and gave me a big hug.

"How is the baby?", he said.

"Well, Buddy..." I stopped for a minute, "there is something that Daddy and I need to talk to you about."

"That baby is dead, isn't it?", he said.

Did he just say that to us? I couldn't believe it... I looked to my mom to see if she had said anything to him before we had got there and she shook her head 'no' with tears in her eyes. I looked back at those big brown eyes that were staring up at me and continued...

"Why do you say that, bud?"

"I just know... the baby is dead, right?", he repeated.

"Well, yes sweetie. Our baby is not alive. It is up in heaven with Jesus.", I said.

"I knew it.", he said softly.

He gave me a squeeze and walked away. I gave him a few moments and then went to check on him. He was crying... sitting on our stairs - alone. It was a moment that was very hard for us all but I remember feeling very strong at that time. I didn't cry, I just told him it was going to be OK and that God had a plan and that His plan is best. I truly believe that God gave me the words and provided me with the strength that I needed to get through that conversation. But, I thought and still think it was quite interesting that Jace knew before we got home. I guess that sometimes kids just know... maybe God prepares their little hearts. Sometimes, we think they don't or that they can't somehow comprehend things of this caliber but much to our surprise, they can. God made them so precious and so perfect and so wonderful and so smart. Sometimes, I think they know more than we do because their faith is so pure.

Our son never asked about why or when or how. He just accepted what had happened and the explanation that I had given him. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that when times get hard? Just accept what God had for us and moved on.

I knew the next day would be hard but I was ready to get the surgery over with. I went through the rest of the day completely numb. I had no feeling at all, really. It was strange. I remember talking to my best friend on the phone who was away in Colorado and her crying when I told her. I remember that I was consoling her and telling her that it was going to be OK. In turn, you would have thought that I would have been the one who was sobbing and needing to be consoled but I wasn't. God was right there with me, holding my hand and providing all that I needed to make it through. I give absolutely NO credit to me... I am absolutely NOT capable of handling these types of situations - especially the death of my own child but God was so good to me and delivered me once again when I needed it most. How could I ever thank Him enough? My heart swells with gratefulness when I think on it... I could have started a downward spiral into the depths of depression right there at that very moment but he rescued me that day and gave me peace I needed. Once again, He had shown Himself mighty and precious and our relationship was taken to a new level even in the midst of my grief.

The next morning came quickly and we prepared for the D&C. I don't remember much but I do remember still feeling numb. I was just going through the motions at this point. We signed in, headed back, got the IV, spoke to the doctor, and waited for our turn. What conversation Chris and I had that morning was smalltalk. There was no talk of the baby. I didn't want to loose that strength that I had found in the last 24 hours.

They came for me and I said goodbye to my hubby. He stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and smiled sweetly. I knew what he was saying... and he didn't even have to say it at all. They wheeled me away and as I stared at the ceiling and the lights that zoomed past one by one, I began to feel tremendous pain. My heart began to hurt and I began to cry. We stopped in a room and a woman with a surgical mask bent over me and saw my face. My eyes locked onto hers and before I drifted off to sleep, she said these words...

"God is with you and your baby. He will take care of you".

I nodded my head and fell asleep.

Even there on that surgery table where all is sterile and cold and lonely, God appeared once again and provided some much needed peace and understanding through one of his servants. I never got that nurse's name nor saw her face again but I wish I could have said thank you to her. Maybe one day, I will get to.