My 3 year old daughter Savannah spent a good portion of last week unintentionally toying with my emotions. For about 5 days straight, she continually thanked God for her "new brother". The first day, it was took me by surprise and we laughed about it; the second day I started to ponder the thought along with a chuckle; the third day my son Jace asked me if there was something that he should know which I of course assured him that there was not; the 4th day I began to wonder if she was prophetic; and on the fifth day, i was ready to take a pregnancy test. I am sure, that when I get to that point, my husband wants to bury his head and duck for cover not knowing how I will react to whatever news I get. Poor guy - he is defintely a saint.
Well, no surprise here, the test was negative but I have to say I was a bit disappointed. SHOCKER - right? Is the fact that I still get disappointed when I see the words NOT PREGNANT a shock to anyone? Probably not but I have to say that I get frustrated with myself knowing that this can still be an issue. After all that God has done for me and after all that I have been delivered from - there is still a part of me that longs for another child and secretly wants to see the words PREGNANT again. I guess I am a glutton for punishment.
Now, I know full well that this is not healthy in any way, shape, or form. Believe me, you don't have to tell me this. It borders on obsession really, and possibly idol worship and that concerns me "on oh, so many levels" as my son would say. I want to be free of this for good - COMPLETELY free but I am beginning to think that is not what my God has planned. (:
So for now; I admit my faults, I hold on tight while I am on this roller coaster ride, and I wait to see what God has in store for me. I know it will be good and I trust Him WAY more than I trust any beautiful, precious, dramatic, God-fearing 3 year old with a dream! (:
Blessings-
B
1 comment:
oh my gosh! that made me cry. that is honestly a miracle... god talking to you! that just affirms everything for me in such a huge way. i am so sorry that i let so much time pass that i was not close enough to you to know the pain that you had gone through losing faith. this is the first time that i have read your blog and the tears can't stop rolling down my cheeks. i am so sorry for your loss, brandy. and i am so sorry that i am just now realizing that you have been through this horrible trauma :( i love you and want you to know how proud i am of you for being so strong. such a strong women and such a good mama. a good mama to savannah and jace and faith. through your example, stories, struggles and faith you change peoples lives and i know it's not easy, but you are hugely inspirational and i hope you know that. your children do.
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