I always said that I wanted to have all of my children by the time I was 35. My hubby and I always said that we would try until that time and then once it was here, we would close the chapter on trying to have babies no matter what we had been through.
Well, I turn 35 on this Sunday, August 3rd and in a last ditch effort to have one more baby before that day arrived, we tried very hard to get pregnant this last month. I tested today and my test was negative.
I guess I have my answer...
On this birthday coming up, I will celebrate the two most beautiful, smart, funny, charismatic, precious, and spiritually aware children that anyone could ever have. I am forever grateful for them and the gift that God gave me in them.
I will also mourn the loss of the child I wished I could be holding right now. She would have been 16 months old and her name is Faith. She is real and not many remember - only a few. But I remember her and I will never forget.
I will celebrate my husband of almost 13 years and thank God for giving me the most understanding, compassionate, passionate, caring, and loving man that I could have ever asked for. Without him, I would have never survived all these years of infertility.
I will also mourn the loss of my dream... the dream of being a mom many times over. The loss of being able to shout out to my husband "I am pregnant!!" just one more time. The loss of seeing my belly grow in anticipation of a new little life. The loss of having the big family that I so desperately longed for. The loss of seeing my son get to be a big brother again and my daughter never getting "the baby sister" that she has asked for.
But, as hard as it will be on that day, I will wholeheartedly celebrate God and the path that He chose for me. Even though it is not my choice exactly and not what I want in regards to having more children, I will always want Him more. And in order to have Him fully in my life, glorify Him, and worship Him, I must accept His plan.
I will ask Him to help me because I sure feel weak right now.
I will ask Him to be my strength because I feel like I do not have any.
I will ask Him to forgive me for wanting something other than what He wants because I know (and He knows) that I still do.
I will ask Him to catch my tears because there are plenty at this time.
And even though I know I shouldn't, I admit that I will beg Him to change His mind and allow me just one more miracle.
But as sure as the sun sets, I believe I will see Him "stick to His guns".
Not because He can not perform the miracle that I so desperately want but because He will not perform it if it is not a part of His will and His plan for my life. He will only allow in my life what He knows I can handle and what will in turn, bring glory to Him. I accept that plan because He is my God and my Savior and because I love Him. He allows it because He loves me.
3 days to go until the chapter is finished...
3 days to go until I can be done...
3 days to go until I can close the book and hopefully not look back...
God - help me. I can not do this one alone.
B
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