D-Day... Our Story - Part 9

May 24th, 2004.

It was a very special day. My little precious baby boy was graduating from Kindergarten!!! It was a full day for me, I remember. We, as room moms had tons to do to prepare for the graduation ceremonies that were to take place that evening. I had my morning coffee and quiet time as I always did and set out to meet the moms at Jace's school for a full day of work. We did work all day if I remember correctly - through lunch even and finally left at around 2pm to get some rest before having to be back by 6pm. I grabbed Jace from his teacher and off we went. On the way the home, we ran a few errands and I started to go over in my head all of the things I had to do before the evening started. Sitting in the car - on Gattis School Road, no less - I remember thinking to myself that I should be starting my period that day. I was feeling a bit emotional, a little bloated, and a little crampy. You know, the normal "I am about to start my period" feeling that we all get right before it happens. Even though I was not living my life in total desperation any more, we still tried every month to get pregnant and every month, I anxiously awaited my cycle day thinking maybe this would be the one month it wouldn't come. I had spent a pretty penny on pregnancy tests over the year, but had to do one every month just to be sure of my fate. This month was no different.

Remembering I had only $16.18 left in our checking account (ahh, the joys of only one parent working!) I was hesitant to spend it on a pregnancy test. I called a friend of mine who had recently found out she was pregnant and asked if her kit had a bonus test I could use. She said, "do you think you are pregnant???!!" I said, "no, I just want to know for sure, like I do every month. I want to start the summer with Jace free of any false hope. I just want to focus everything on him." Unfortunately, she did not have a test so I drove to a local Walgreen's to pick one up.

I went home, had Jace lay down for a while to rest and started the test. It always was negative and I knew this one was no different. I walked away to do a few things and came back to see the word "Error" printed on the digital read-out part of the pregnancy test.

Great. I had spent my last $16 on a test that was NO GOOD! I was perturbed, to say the least. Thank goodness I had bought one that had 2 tests in one box. I pulled out the old test and put a new one in. I waited a while and did the second test.

"Error" again.

As I pulled out the test strip from the digital part of the test, I noticed that there were two lines on the strip. Two lines. Not one, like the previous 53 cycles. Two. What does this mean, I thought??? The digital tests were fairly new on the market and I didn't know if they worked any differently than the old ones so I called the 800 number on the box, hoping that I would get a woman who would tell me that the lines meant I was, indeed, finally pregnant.

That did not happen. I should have known better... This was the story of my life.

The lady on the other end of the line explained that those lines meant nothing. They were not to be used in any way to determine a pregnancy result. Only the digital part of the test indicated a positive or negative result. Since my test had an error reading on it, chances were it was negative, but I would need to re-test. She offered to send me a new one through the mail, but that was not going to satisfy my need for finding out on that day. I thanked her and hung up. I was still perturbed.

The phone rang shortly after I hung up and it was my dear friend, Shannon (you know, one of ladies from my playgroup). I told her what had happened and she was going a little nuts. "You go and get a test right now, Brandy. What if it was really positive!!". I told her I was not holding my breath. I was cramping more by then and I had only an hour or so left before I had to be back at the school. Plus, I had no money left! She offered to buy the test and I told her she WAS nuts. I would just try to get new ones later on that night, after Jace had graduated. Maybe Walgreens would feel sorry for me and replace the ones that were defective. (: I felt no need to rush out... I wasn't feeling great and I knew the answer anyway.

My hubby came home early that night for the festivities and the strips were on the bathroom counter where I was getting ready. He saw them and looked at me with a blank stare. "What are these?", he said. I explained what all had happened to him and that I would re-test later that night. I remember saying "maybe" the two lines did mean something. He said, "Probably not. Don't get your hopes up". He was right and I wasn't going to. This month would be no different than any other.

Kindergarten graduation was great! Lots of family and friends joined us to celebrate the big day as Jace walked across the stage in a white cap and gown - complete with blue flip-flops. (That's my boy!) I couldn't believe my little one was growing up and even though I was sad to see it happen, I was also very excited about the years to come. He was growing into a wonderful little person and I was so thankful for his little life. "What would I have done without him?!?", I remember thinking. I was so grateful that he was given to me. I don't know how I would have lived without him. I praised God for his life and I knew I could never thank Him enough for giving me this precious blessing.

After the ceremony was over, we all piled into the chapel for a fun reception. The teachers had compiled a notebook from over the year for each parent from each of their children. It was full of their child's drawings, random poems, and pictures of their kid from throughout the year. It was precious. Jace's teacher had called me over the day before and told me about a particular picture that Jace had drawn so I was looking forward to seeing it. She had asked if there was something I needed to tell her. Not knowing what she talking about, I said, "Noooo, not that I know of. Why?" Apparently, Jace had drawn a picture under the heading "MY FAMILY PRAYS". In it was Chris, Jace, and me with a big fat belly. Inside that belly was a little tiny baby. When she asked him about my belly in the picture, he said that there was a baby in his mommy's tummy. That he prays with his mom and dad for a baby brother or a sister all the time. It was such a sweet picture. I have to say I couldn't help but thinking about the test that I had taken only a few hours earlier. Could this be a possibility??? Maybe Jace knew something I didn't. Now, wouldn't that be something. After dreaming for a while, I brought myself back down to where I needed to be - where I actually lived - in the present - where pregnancy was only a wish and not a reality.

After the ceremony and after we all went to dinner to celebrate Jace and his accomplishment, I asked Chris to stop and let me try to exchange the tests out. I remember what he said as he pulled into the Walgreens 2 minutes before they closed. "Don't get your hopes up and don't do the tests tonight. Wait until the morning."

"Why?", I asked.

I crack up as I think back on it. Being that I was a nurse and had fed him so much info on the subject, being that we had tried so many times and taken these tests over and over, he knew that my urine would be diluted that late at night. He wanted me to wait and make sure it was accurate since the first ones I took were defective.

Yeah, right.

I went home. I piddled around a bit and decided to do the test. I didn't tell him or make a big deal of it. I just did it. I placed it on the back on the toilet and walked away. I went and did a few things with Jace, went through some of his keepsakes that were given to us that night, and started to prepare him for bedtime. I actually almost forgot about it for a while. Then, as I came around the corner of my bedroom, I saw the light on in the bathroom, reminding me of the test. As I walked around the corner and peered over the toilet, I had no idea what was about to happen to me.

In one moment, all of my heartache would be over. All of the despair gone. All of the anger, sadness, and envy would just vanish. All of the brokenness repaired. All in that one moment, God would deliver me from my many years of pain and mend my broken heart. And in that precious moment my test read...

"Pregnant".

It was my D-day. My Deliverance Day. He did it! He had done it! He had Delivered me as only He could! PRAISE YOU FATHER GOD! PRAISE YOU!

Once I read the test, I remember that my entire body started to shake and I began to scream. I backed myself out of the water closet and stood there, unable to move, waiting for Chris to come to my side. I was still screaming when he came running around the corner. He looked scared, but I had no words to tell him what was wrong... I couldn't speak. I just pointed to the toilet with my hand shaking uncontrollably. I felt like I was going to faint. Chris turned around in time to catch me, with tears in his eyes and a grin on his face. I remember him holding me and all I could say through the tears was...

"Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus. Oh, Thank You, Jesus. Praise You God, Thank You God! Thank You, Jesus..."

Finally, my journey was complete. It was done. I had waited on the Lord and He delivered me as only He could. I was finally freed from the chains of infertility. And I was finally at peace. Completely at peace because of what ONLY HE could do for me.

I remember not being able to sleep that night. I woke up all night long just meditating on what He had done. I was unworthy... how many times did I scream at Him and question His plan? How many times did I lose faith and not trust Him? How many times did I question the plan He had laid out for me? How many times did I turn back on Him throughout the journey and try to take the reigns myself? Too many to count and yet, He still blessed me with this new little one growing in my belly. Thankfully, His love and His faithfulness is not dependent on me nor on anything I do or not do. His love is what it is because of Who HE is and What HE is. It is because of HIS character and HIS grace. Nothing I could do or say to Him would explain how grateful I was. I just kept saying it over and over and over and over again.

"Thank You... thank You... thank You... thank You...."

And I still do it today... I could never thank Him enough.

My life was about to change - yet again - by the grace of God and I was so ready. The 54th cycle was the one I had been waiting on and it was finally here. I sat back and remembered that "Wait on Me..." that I had heard in the months prior and pondered the sweetness of God. He could have let me sit in silence throughout all of those years, but He didn't. He showed me so much - some of it I got and some of it I didn't get until now. Through His word, through His blessings, through His character, and now through His grace I had completed this particular journey and I was finally coming out on the other side of it. I felt completely restored. Hallelujah!!! The physical pain was finally gone, but somehow deep down, I knew the scars from infertility would always be there to remind me of this journey. And that was and is OK.


Savannah Hope Johnson was born on a Monday, January 24th, 2005 at 3:12pm. Weighing in at a whopping 9lbs 15oz. She was (and still is) the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. Her arrival was anxiously awaited by many and I pray that through her birth, many have seen God's sovereignty and power. He is an awesome God, isn't He?!

The years prior to my daughter were some of the hardest of my life, but I would never trade them for anything. The knowledge that I gained during those years is invaluable. The relationship that developed between my Maker and myself is unfathomable. As I look back, I see that the pain, the despair, the journey - it was all necessary. In order for me to be able to surrender completely at the throne of God and allow Him to take my entire life into His hands, I had to learn how to trust Him. During those times when I felt like I had nothing to go on or nothing to keep me going, I had to rely on Him. And during those times, when I turned my face to the Heavens, He was there. There - ready and waiting. Praise You, Father!

Oh, friends, I have seen God at work and I hold his precious, miraculous, handiwork in my arms everyday. Words cannot describe my heart and how full it is because of my God. Not just because I "got" the babies that I wanted, but because He WAS THERE beside me every step of the way.

Isn't our God good?!

Romans 8:28- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."

The good days and the REALLY bad ones - Our Story - Part 8

OK- here I was - trying to change the way I was thinking. Trying to place my focus on my Mighty God and not on my mighty situation. Some days I was successful at it and some days I wasn't, but I was trying and I know God was pleased with that.

I remember being blessed with the friendships of quite a few women who were struggling with infertility themselves. It was so nice to know I wasn't alone.... that there wasn't something wrong with me... that there were others out there who knew truly how I felt. This gave me comfort and a sense of peace. I know God allowed them each to come into my life at just the right moment. These relationships gave me joy and that in turn, made some days really beautiful. I began to appreciate my time alone again as well. It was time to get to know the God of the universe on a much more intimate level and how could that be bad - right? Do I hear an Amen?! I met with Him A LOT and felt Him close by like I never had before. I drew near to Him searching for relief, and on some days, I really did find it. Though scared of total surrender, I never gave it all up fully, but I was trying to get there and I knew He knew applauded my efforts. I began to be able to go a day, maybe two, without thinking about infertility at all. I tried to place my focus on my miraculous son and thoroughly enjoyed being a mom to the one most precious child in the entire world. (: I volunteered a lot. I fellowshipped with other women a lot. I had long lunches with my hubby often. I even took a nap from time to time. (: These, I must say, were really good days...

But then, there were the not so good days. I still had them - even as I tried to surrender.
I remember days of crying uncontrollably on my husband's shoulder after starting my period.... thinking, "would this last forever?????!!!!!!". Why couldn't I get past this? Why couldn't I move on? Why did I feel SO STRONGLY like I was suppose to be a mom again, yet month after month, that intuition never proved true? I remember my hubby consoling me day after day, not knowing what to say and me thinking, could he possibly ever know the pain that I am feeling? I remember, as much as I do not want to admit this, feeling no happiness for others when they got pregnant. None - I was numb. The very words "pregnant" would burn deep inside my gut. On some days, I could physically feel the pain in my chest. One of the worst things I remember is catching myself thinking about one friend losing their baby. It wasn't a thought I wanted or willfully executed but it was a thought that came to my mind. I denounced it severely and prayed over it but nothing could erase what I had thought about at first. It was a sick thought and I was the sick one who thought it. I was heart-sick. Mind-sick and soul-sick. I could have days that any number of things could send me into a tail spin without a moment's notice and it felt like I could do nothing about it. I remember finding out that a dear friend of mine was pregnant with her third child - the news didn't hit me too hard or hurt me too much (must have been having a good week) until the weeks that followed. After about the 3rd week of hearing about it, I remember calling another friend who I felt comfortable with and trusted and told her that I was gonna scream if I heard another word about her pregnancy! I was going to SCREAM at the TOP of my lungs!!!! The "ickiness" kept creeping back no matter how hard I attempted to let it go. I felt darkness looming over me because of my barren womb and I struggled in private with the filthy heart I had because of it. The pain that infertility brings isn't pretty and it is hard to confess. Those were the REALLY bad days...

So this was my life.
Good days. Bad days. Surrender days. Pain days. I never knew what I would feel and when I would feel it. I had so many days when my prayer life was wonderful and when I had a clear sense of what I was do next. There was much comfort in those days. I had days when I would get on my knees and just cry out to Him, saying "Please help me, please show me, please take this from me, please, please, please". Nothing else, nothing more... I just couldn't muster any more than that. All I had was just a cry for help and on some of those days... most of those days, I heard nothing. I had no understanding of His plan or which way it would take me. But, no matter the day - good or bad, one thing I always hung on to was that He was there. Yes, HE WAS THERE! I may not have "felt" Him all of the time or gained understanding all of the time, but I always knew He heard me and for that I was always thankful.

I do remember one day in particular, when I glimpsed a bit of my future through prayer. Jace was at school and I was having one of those "bad" days that I just talked about. I remember being in Jace's room for some reason and ended up on my knees, face on the ground, crying out to God. I remember asking specifically for Word from Him. I needed to hear Him that day - in one way or another. Through a person, a study, His word, through this prayer - I needed to know whether we should continue this journey or move on completely. I had to know. I felt like I couldn't go on any longer. I had to have something from Him or I felt like I was going to crumble. After about 10 minutes of prayer, I remember being silent for a while - waiting and crying - hoping to hear or feel something - anything from Him!
Very clearly, very softly, I began to hear a statement over and over in my head.

"Wait on Me... wait on Me... wait on Me... wait on me...."

Oh, how I still love to think on this, even right here at this very moment. It still brings tears to my eyes. The Most High God spoke to me... little ol' me... right there on the floor of my son's room. He heard my cry and knew my heart was breaking. He knew I needed something to keep going and Hallelujah, He spoke to me!!! There were much bigger issues in the world that day, but He took time out of His day to calm my aching heart. What tenderness He has for us... what mercy His character exhibits... what love He possesses.

I sat straight up barely being able to breath.

"Wait on Me"... I thought. Not "no". Not "yes". Not "maybe", but "wait on Me".

I had received my Word.

I didn't know what I was waiting on, but I sure was going to wait! I did not want to miss out on this blessing, whatever it may be. I hoped that it meant I would waiting on a baby, but it could have been so many things other than that. No matter what, I was gonna wait!

If I remember right, I had more good days than bad after that meeting on the floor of my child's room. God soon started to become enough... even with this womb that was still barren. He became what I sought after... even more than the baby that my heart so longed for. My ache never fully went away, but the desperation diminished the more I gave myself over. He is good and I reminded myself of that daily while I waited on Him to reveal His plan.

Psalm 86:1-7,10-13 -"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy, In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."

Trying Something New? - Our Story - Part 7

I kept a picture of the babies that I lost during my IVF cycle on my fridge for years. I think I finally took them down last year sometime. I was trying to move on, but didn't have the heart to completely remove them from my life. If I did - would that mean they never existed? They had to stay there where I could see them... I needed to be reminded of what we had been through and no matter how hard we tried - it just wasn't "in the cards". It was a reminder of God's plan that I knew was in place... a plan that wasn't necessarily mine, but a plan I had no choice but to embrace.

I did my best.

During the months to follow, I learned how to multi-task. I learned that I was able to live two totally different lives... the life I knew I needed to have and the life I truly had behind closed doors. On the outside, I was together and happy. The first to tell you how blessed I was to have all that I had been given. Blessed to be a mom, blessed to be at home to raise my son (I had quit finally after 8 years of nursing to raise my son before he headed off to Kindergarten), blessed to have a wonderful marriage, blessed to have great family and friends, and most of all blessed to have a God who loved me in spite of my sinful nature. All of this, I did believe and was grateful for, but couldn't fully appreciate. There was too much pain that hid within me... my other life stole my focus and my understanding of the life I should have been living.
That other life consisted of me locking myself in bathrooms to cry when I saw an infant come my way or burn with envy when another person would exclaim with happiness and pride "I am pregnant!!!". My other life was dark - full of jealousy, bitterness, and rage. There were days that I would let the phone ring and ring because I could not stand to talk to the mom on the other end of the line. I knew she would speak of her impending pregnancy or I would hear the chaos of all the little ones in her house and it was too much for me to take. There were days while I was at playgroup with my son that I would have to excuse myself to another room where there were no other "breastfeeders" around - the sight of that made my skin crawl. Overall, these days were filled with despair and an overwhelming sense of failure. I was not able - nor allowed - to do what these ladies were able to do. This gift of motherhood that so many took for granted could very possibly be only mine once. I better start enjoying what I had left of the "little days" before my little one went off to school...

The next year was hard. We continued to try. No medication though. No procedures. Just good ol' fashioned trying and a lot of praying. Another 15 cycles went by... yes, 15. That is
15 no's... 15 not yet's... 15 never's... 15 let downs. (Reminder - that is 46 "no" cycles in total since my son was born). It was a rough year to say the least - months of depression, a trial run of Prozac, and many days completely spent in bed, but we kept going... still hoping His plan would include a "yes" one day even though every "no" was completely and utterly destroying my fragile heart.

Jace was already 5 and about to start Kindergarten in the fall of 2003. The thought that my little one was growing up, moving on to another chapter in his life, and that I was left without another child at home was excruciating. He was my pride and joy and his "little life" as I referred to it was over. "Big boy-hood" was starting and I was now one of those moms whose kids are grown and gone to school. I was left at home - alone - with my days empty - void of any life within my house but my own. It made the infertility portion of my life much worst. Everything was magnified, so I began to fill my days hoping it would help. I was homeroom mom at Jace school which was fun. I started a ladies Bible study group at my home and hosted different studies one night a week. Jace was involved with baseball and I was snack mom. I met other ladies at his school and joined them for lunches and fellowship. I stopped going to playgroup... it was too painful, but enjoyed my lady friends as much as I could. As I look back, I see that God used this time to show me so much, but all I could see then was the heartache.

Something had to give. I knew I couldn't live my life focused only on heartache and loss, but I was not sure how to get out of that way of thinking. My head would tell me one thing and my heart would tell me another. I was determined to try something new... to try to trust the Lord fully... to try to gain some understanding as to why He would have chosen this for my life. Some days were great - some were not, but I do know that as I began to seek Him fully - with a willing heart - the clouds began to lift and some sunshine crept back into my life.

I started to study my Bible - a lot. I would sometimes spend 4, 5, even 6 hours in His word while Jace was away at school. With coffee in hand, I would scour the pages of His Book, contemplate verses at my computer, and sharing what God was showing with me with others. At God's urging, I started an email ministry to get some spiritual food out on the web where friends who were also struggling could go to have a moment with God. I spent hours every week typing up Bible study lessons and spent many a day on my face before God praying about my life, my future, and my ability(or lack thereof) to cope. I can not say everything suddenly became perfect or that I was happy everyday, even, but I can say I felt more in tune with God and that in turn gave me great comfort and peace in my season of waiting. Chris and I continued to try without any luck and so as the months passed, I began to change my way of thinking. Maybe having another baby just wasn't an option for us and if it wasn't ever going to happen - how was I going to handle my life? Was I going to waste it away by drowning in the despair - in the sadness - in the anger? Or would I refocus on surrendering to God this terrible journey and allow Him to pick up the pieces of my heart and make it whole again?

It was worth a try...

Without hurting...

I am thrilled to say that I held my great niece today and did it without hurting. Isn't she a beauty?!! When I mentioned this to my niece, she thought I meant physically until I explained further. It was so nice to hold that little one and not feel the pain rise up in my chest like I had experienced so many times before. I think I will always have that "mommy love" for any infant that I hold since it will remind me of the precious times with my own little ones. I think I will also always think about Faith and what she would have looked like and how it would have felt to hold her in my arms. But maybe - just maybe - once and for all, I am past the pain that I had once experienced. The "heart hurt" wasn't there today and I am so thankful for that.I pray I stay in this place. Would you pray for this for me too? It is definitely a better place to be in...
So today - I celebrate new life in my life and I celebrate a new life within myself. To God be glory for both. Without Him, neither are possible.

New life...

Before I go on, I must rejoice for there is new life in my life and I am finally in a place to enjoy it! My friend, Tammy just had her third baby boy, my niece is awaiting the arrival of her first little one, another dear friend is about to have her fourth, and another blogger who I met here on this dashboard is expecting a bundle of joy (after many pregnancy losses) as well. I am happy to say that I can finally feel excitement for these ladies again. In the past, that wasn't possibly for me. Where joy should have been, there was only jealousy, bitterness, and rage. I write this not because I have done anything to attain it, but to tell you that God has done everything to make it possible within me. Praise be to You, Father for these little ones! Praise be to You, Father that I can feel happiness where only sadness lay for so long. Praise you Father that my heart can once again celebrate another's blessing without tremendous pain and despair. You truly are an awesome and amazing God.

Losing Hope - Our story - Part 6

April, 2002
"We were able to retrieve 13 eggs", the voice on the other end of the line said.

Thirteen - although I don't believe in luck, thirteen has always been my "lucky" number.

"They aren't all mature, but there are quite a few good ones. We will do the ICSI procedure and you can come in on day 5 for transfer. We will let you know then how many embryos you have."

Embryos. I never liked that word... it seems like a pitiful excuse of a word to me. The word baby is appropriate and welcome. Calling them anything else is just wrong.

We waited (in tremendous pain, I might add) for 3 days and showed up for the transfer. Out of all thirteen fertilized eggs, only 2 babies remained. I have pictures of them - they were only a tiny clump of magnified cells. Still each a baby to me though. I thought they were beautiful. I was excited, but exhausted and ready for this particular procedure to be finished. It would take 10 days of waiting before I could find out if this indeed was the different cycle I had been praying for.

I remembering lying there on the table after the babies were placed in my womb staring out the window. I felt a strong sense of doom. I began to cry. As I looked at Chris sitting across the room, I felt helpless. I knew he was not at all thrilled with what we had done, but that he had appeased me anyway. I loved him for that, but upset he wasn't more excited. I knew our chances were slim that I would indeed get pregnant or that I would have more than one baby, but I was totally willing to take that chance. The thought of possibly getting pregnant was overwhelming to me and I was extremely anxious to begin the 10 day trek to the dreaded pregnancy test. 9 days, 22 hours and counting...

I don't remember much about that wait. Maybe just that is was excruciating, but I do however, remember the day that I tested. I was still working part-time for the doctor's office and had been there at 7am sharp to have the HCG drawn. We did it STAT and it would take about 3 hours for the results to return to me. My husband was on standby, I am sure bracing himself for what would happen if it was negative. My parents were sitting by the phone. Friends too knew that this day would change my life - either way. I would either get my wish or sink deeper into the pit. I know that result couldn't come any sooner to me and I am sure they felt the same.

The back line rang around 10:15a... I knew this was it. The moment. The lady at the STAT lab was named Gracie and I knew her voice well from the years I had been there.

"I have STAT results for a Brandy Johnson."
For all those years, she never knew that Brandy Johnson was me and I was glad. I would have been embarrassed had she known that every month I was the failure she was reporting on... that every time she called, she was calling to devastate me with the sound of her voice saying that the HCG level, "was less than 2" - yet again. Less than 2 meant not pregnant. Less than 2 meant I was less than a woman.

"OK, I am ready." I said.

"The results are less than 2."

Silence.
I could barely choke back the words "thank you" before I hung up the phone. This time the cycle had been different... not different in the way I had hoped and wished for, but different in that I had just lost 2 precious children. They were with me - alive just 10 days prior and now, they were in me and dead. I couldn't believe it. NEGATIVE - again.

Something in me changed that day and as I look back, I see that my descent into what I call the slimy pit of infertility began to rapidly increase shortly thereafter. I do remember a few things about the rest of that day though...
I remember that my husband brought me flowers to my office before I left for the afternoon... 2 single roses. White - I think.
I remember driving home alone and screaming and sobbing in the car... "why, God?! Why, why, God?" is all I could say.
I remember telling my friend Tammy that is was negative and yelling over and over again, "I just don't understand... why is HE doing this??!!" She didn't know what to say. I wouldn't have either.
I remember praying and crying until I just did not have any tears left. I felt numb. I couldn't believe that after all we had been through, we were right back where we had begun.

But, I must also say that even in the midst of all the sadness, God provided that day as well. (What an awesome God He is.) I did go home and pick up my Bible and began to read scripture. I needed anything from Him that I could get. Any word at this point would do... any peace that He could send my way would be great and He gave me just what I needed. Scripture after scripture came forth - not only to get me through the day, but also to get me through the years to follow. I specifically remember reading 1 Peter 4:12... it says, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." It made me laugh a bit and I needed that. "Don't be surprised" it said -"but rejoice". Rejoice, Lord? How can I rejoice right now? I just lost 2 babies and all the hope that was left inside me.
O, Lord, Teach me how to rejoice in the midst of suffering... and how to have hope again.

I sent an email out to friends and family that afternoon letting them know what had happened. I told them that God had a different plan for us than what we had thought and that we looked forward to seeing what that plan was. I told them that our babies were in Heaven and that God, alone, was enough for us. That He, alone, would sustain us...

As the "dark" years approached, I began to search scripture for new hope. I was drawn to Jeremiah 29:11 which has now become my life verse. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

His plan was in place. Now, as I waited on Him to reveal it, could I live up to my words? Could God, alone, be enough for me if my future didn't include the answered prayer that I so desperately wanted?

My infertility journey had begun years ago, but my spiritual journey had just started. I had suffered already for 31 cycles - not quite 3 years without truly seeking God and HIS plan. It was time to try something different. It was time to start trusting Him and what He had in store for us - no matter the outcome.

My new plan - my new obsession... Our story - Part 5

September ,2001 - March, 2002
When Jace was 4 we moved into a new and bigger home. We told others that we had grown out of the other house, and even though that was very much true, I was also planning for and anticipating an addition to the family at any time. Even though we were no closer to getting pregnant than we were 2 years prior when we had first started trying for a second child, I still had high hopes and much faith that God would answer our prayers. And if He did, more kids meant I needed more space.

We prayed about this particular move A LOT and felt that God gave us the okay to move forward. Just the other day, I was looking back on a bunch of old prayers journals from that year - 2001 - and noticed that I had prayed about this move more so than I remember. Every entry for months asked for His will for our lives, His protection over us from making the wrong decisions, His provision for the right home and new friends nearby, and His wisdom as to how to proceed with it all. I wanted so badly to make sure this move was right- not only for us as a family, but for my son too. We found the right neighborhood for us and within 6 months, we were in our new home which was complete with an extra room just the right size for a nursery. I even set up my son's old crib and changing table in that room thinking it would only be a matter of time before I would be bringing a baby home to fill it.

Shortly after we moved in, I started praying fervently for a couple of specific things. One, where to go from here with our infertility situation (we were now on cycle 26 without any success), and two, for Christian friends for Jace and our family. God was quick in answering one prayer request and the results added tremendous blessing to our lives, but He wasn't so quick in answering the other. As I look back on this prayer time and the answers, or lack there of, that we received, I am in awe (once again - Praise you Father!) of God and His mighty hand in my life. He provided me with a fantastic group of ladies whom I grew very close with, very quickly. They were and are all very special to me, but one in particular was almost like a soul mate to me and her son, was my son's soul mate as well. How much more could I have asked for in provision for our family???!!! He provided in a HUGE way and these friendships that I made helped me tremendously while I suffered with my infertility struggles. As for the other prayer request, I didn't know where we stood in moving forward with trying to have another baby, or as a matter of fact, where He stood on it at all either. I felt like no matter how hard I prayed and no matter how much I asked for an answer, the answer never came. I journaled daily and prayed very hard for guidance. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed and prayed, but still felt I was no where near knowing what God wanted me to do, if anything. I felt like I was just "sitting still" and I did not like the fact that my cycles were passing me by and we were doing nothing more than we had done for over 2 years. I started to grow quite anxious and began approaching my husband (and God) about IVF (in vitro fertilization).

I had heard quite a bit about IVF... from medical journals, patients who had gone through it, from others nurses that I worked with, and doctors around town. I wanted to know all that I could about the procedure so I started to investigate it. I attended seminars (with and without my husband), stayed up late into the wee hours reading about it, searched it on the Internet, and of course, prayed about it. Maybe this was the way to go, I began to think... maybe this IS His answer to our infertility problems. Remember my paper work that read "Refer to IVF clinic" those few short years before? Maybe the answer was right in front of my face all along!!! Maybe God had given me the answer long ago and I just had overlooked it. The only thing I had to do now was convince my husband that this was the right move for us. He had been less than enthusiastic when we had casually discussed it in the months prior, but I knew he knew how much I wanted a baby and I thought that with a little persuasion, he would get on board with the new plan. I thought, I'll pray about this and ask God to help Chris see it my way. I felt truly happy again with the thought of IVF. It had been a while since I had felt that way and I was glad for the break. There had been too much sadness in the years prior...

"OK - we have a plan!! IVF is the way to go!"
With the thought of this, I became so very excited again - just like I did when we first began trying to have a second baby when Jace was just 2. This is pretty simple, I thought... "If we do IVF, then a pregnancy should occur. Just take his sperm and my eggs and fertilize them in a dish - then, put them back in - put my legs up and it will take. I have no reason to think otherwise". My pregnancy with my son was fairly uneventful with the exception of hyperemesis, so this pregnancy would be no different. I studied everything I could about the procedures and the outcomes and brought the info to my husband, hoping for the best.

It was not well received....
I love my husband, but I remember being so mad at him that day. After giving him all the info, he sat there completely silent - just staring at me. There was not one bit of interest or excitement anywhere on his face. After a while, he finally spoke... "That's a lot of money, Brandy", he said. I just sat there - stunned.

Yes, 12k to be exact, but could you put a price on a child, I thought??
Oh my goodness!!!! We can not have a baby and that is all that he can think of! Money?! I was SO MAD! What about my heart that is breaking?! What about my womb and eggs that are growing old? What about our son who has started praying for a baby sister or brother every night without him being asked to? What about the darkness that is starting to take over my life because I can not get past the thought of never having anymore children? What about me? Forget the money!
I could feel the fire raging inside my chest, but I gathered myself and continued on...

"Yes, I know it is, but our way isn't working and we have to do something else! I am desperate, Chris! What do you want us to do?"

"If God wants us to have a baby, then we will have a baby. I think we should just wait on Him.", he said.

I hated him for that. He was right and I knew it, but I didn't want to hear it. I searched for aomething else - another comeback - another reason as to why he didn't share the same vision or the same excitement that I did about trying IVF. Then another thought came to mind... What if he was using God's will as an excuse to avoid spending the 12k? I bet that is it! I convinced myself it was just about the money... not the baby or the procedure - just the cash. I was furious. He was on my list... you know, the bad one. I felt completely crushed. As the conversation continued, I felt myself sink deeper into that place that I earlier referred to as "the pit". On top of the heartache of not having a baby, now my hubby and I were not seeing eye to eye. It was a huge blow.

We didn't come to an understanding or an agreement that day, but did decide to talk more about it in the months to come.

Over the next months, I prayed a lot about it and about my marriage. IVF had become, quite literally, my new obsession. I felt like it was our only hope and I reminded Chris of that daily. As I look back on my journal entries at that time, I see a lot of me telling God what I wanted and not much of me asking God for what He wanted. I should have been praying for HIS WILL - no matter what the outcome was - not just for my desires. I should have been putting my hope IN HIM and not in IVF since I did not have confirmation that it was OK to proceed with the procedure to begin with. I shouldn't have dictated what I wanted Him to do without asking Him what He wanted me to do. All around, I was seeking His OK to MY plan instead of my OK to HIS plan. I wish I would have recognized that earlier, but I know now that it was necessary part of the walk... I didn't have the faith at that point in my life to completely surrender like I should have.

My husband finally agreed to do IVF after many days and weeks of negotiations and arguments. I knew he wasn't 100% on board, but I knew he loved me and would do anything for me. I also knew that when I turned up pregnant with twins BECAUSE of IVF, he would see that my plan had indeed worked just as I had thought...

We were scheduled to begin the IVF procedures in late March of 2002 with the harvesting of eggs and the transfer of embryos set for a few weeks later in April. As the date grew closer, our bank account grew smaller, and I started sensing an uneasiness from my husband. He was distracted, distant, even, but my mind was made up. We would proceed and in 9 months, I would be free of the despair and the heartache that had consumed me for so long. And I couldn't wait.

Cycle 31 was approaching - the IVF cycle we had been preparing for. This one just had to be different, I thought.
Oh, please God, let this one be different...

Flowers instead of tombstones...

On Tuesday, I was celebrating... or mourning... or thinking about (how do you really describe that?) the unfortunate death of our last baby. She had passed in utero one year before. As I said in the last posting, the books all say that the actual day is anti-climatic and I must say that it was... until about 2:30p.

The door bell rang and I peered through the peep hole. It was a Fed EX guy (dirty dogs as my UPS employed husband would call them) who was standing there with a box. Wow - what a perfect day for my books to come, I thought. The week prior, I had ordered two books that I thought my little heart needed. Grieving the Child I Never Knew and I'll Hold You in Heaven. What timing, I thought. I may need these today.

But when I opened the door, the box was much too large to be holding any books. I signed the paper for the dirty dog and took the box in. As I opened it, I started to feel quite emotional ... I think it was because I knew deep down what was in the box and who they were from. Tears started to flow...

Inside were my favorite flowers... Gerber Daisies. Red, Orange, Yellow, and White. They were beautiful. I quickly tore open the envelope and skimmed it for the name. There it was... the friend's name I expected to see... just as I had thought.

The card read:
"Dear Brandy,
Something to cheer you up today as we remember sweet baby Faith. Although your heart is heavy, I am hopeful you will find celebration in the miraculous life you created. Love you..."

Have you ever had a friend like that? One who remembers not only all the good days, but the bad ones too? I know I am not good with dates so her fantastic memory astonishes me. Like I said, I knew before I opened the box who it was from... she is just one of those people... she has a special way about her. If I were to get a singing telegram at my doorstep, I would know her name would be sung at the end of the song before they even finished. She is the one who gave all my showers, has come to see me every time I was ever in the hospital, who calls my children on their birthdays, and who always sends the best cards - no matter the occasion. She is always remembering me, in all I do, and I felt happy that someone remembered Faith on her day too. Faith did exist - she was important - I do miss that baby and my sweet friend acknowledged my emotions in one sweet card and a bundle of flowers. Thank you, precious friend - you know who you are.

What I am getting at is this...
In the midst of what could have been a potentially, horribly, sad day with me sitting in a daze in front of Faith's grave sight, God sent a ray of sunshine my way. He reminded me that I am EXTREMELY blessed in this life. That even though sad times come (and go), I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for great friends, thankful for wonderful family, thankful for the most precious hubby on earth, thankful for 2 beautiful children who are alive, healthy, and need my full attention, and thankful for my little ones who are already in Heaven waiting for me to come and hold them.

Things that happen in this life are temporary... we are made for a much bigger and better place. A place where there is no death and no tears. Where only happiness lingers. I am thankful for that place where one day I will get to meet my little ones... and our Maker. I am thankful to a God who loves me and my family so very much. And I am thankful to God for this important and much needed reminder that He brought to me last Tuesday...
I pray I never forget it.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen in eternal."

Today is the day...

Today is the day...

August 14th, 2007 - the one year anniversary of baby Faith's death. Actually, the one year anniversary of the day she went Home to be with the Father.

So far, so good... I am not too weepy. Yet.

I read in a book the other day that the build up to a day like this is the most horrible part. You dread it... loathe it, even. But that once there, it is fairly anti-climatic. I hope that is the case.

She would have been about 5 months old... I wonder if she would have been the red-head I thought I would have had. She probably would be learning to sit up right about now, but I have a feeling that I know what she is doing. Rocking in the arms of Jesus... He does have a rocking chair, you know. There is no better place for her to be. In the midst of sadness, I have to rejoice in that one very precious thing.

I refuse to completely mourn today. I may have tears and that is okay, but I will choose to celebrate instead. I did have her for a brief time when we are promised no time at all. That was a gift. Her soul was purposed, she meant something to us, she was here, but now gone... only to be held now by her Creator. I am sad that my arms never got to hold her or rock her to sleep while singing Jesus Loves Me, but I take solace in knowing that there are no better arms for her to be in - not even mine. She knows first hand that Jesus loves her. How sweet and precious that thought is to me.

I Love you, Faith... and we won't forget.
From Mommy

One summer night... Our story - Part 4

Luke 17:24- "For the Son of Man in His day will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to another."

June, 2000
I feel like I have always known God. Even as a little girl. I remember being baptized as an 8 year old in front of our entire congregation. Even at the young age of 8, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that He existed and existed in a big way.

Growing up I was at church every Sunday. I prayed every night and attended youth group weekly. I was active in my Sunday School class, attended Dawson McAllister conferences (going up every year to "re-dedicate" my life), and was nicknamed "Jesus Freak" by friends my freshman year in high school. In my junior and senior year of high school I dabbled a bit, as teenagers do, with the uglier side of sin, but I never dabbled enough to hinder my faith. I continued believing in God, but I was not walking with Him.

As a young woman, I lived a double life. On Friday nights I was in the clubs and on Sunday mornings, I was at church worshipping. "At least I am here" I would think to myself sitting in the pew dressed in my Sunday best, but I owed my Lord so much more and I knew it.

After I got married and while I was working at the doctor's office, I met a lady who would change my spiritual life forever. She was the absolute epitome of what I thought a Christian should be and in my opinion, the most humble person I had ever met. She always had a smile on her face and if you asked her why, she would say it was because of Jesus. She had suffered a great deal in her life - things that most people would have never been able to handle - but it didn't matter. Not one bit. God was good and she told everyone that very thing no matter what was going on in her life.

I began to long for the God that she spoke of. Did I know this God? Really know Him? I certainly did not know Him like she did. I had a deep and powerful desire to learn more about Him and fast! The thirst that I had at that time was insatiable and I began to study like I had never before.

I did Bible studies during lunch with co-workers at my office. I got up each morning at 5:30a to have one on one time with God. I did Bible studies on the days that I was home with my son throughout his entire nap time. I prayed a lot and began to journal. I started to change my behavior in and out of the presence of others. I cleaned up my mouth and changed what I watched on TV. I wanted to please God and I wanted my life to reflect the change that had taken place in me through Him.

He showed me so much during this period in my life. For the first time, I really felt I like I got to know this God that my friend at work had been singing the praises of. I didn't just know OF Him anymore... I was beginning to KNOW HIM and it felt good.

We had been trying for a second baby for a little over 18 months, when I had something happen to me that I will never forget...

It was a HOT summer day - a Saturday to be exact in the year 2000. Things just seemed to be "coming to a head" in my life and I was not coping well - even with all the studying and praying that I was doing. I had recently had a false positive pregnancy test and I was still reeling because of it. I was very emotional - I was grieving a baby that never really was there. It was the strangest emotion - a new one for me and I didn't know how to get a hold of it. That day in particular, my 3 1/2 year old had been slightly out of control. OK, let's get real - not slightly out of control - totally out of control. Everything seemed to be magnified that day... things that would normally not have affected me, seemed to be too much to handle. The afternoon ended with my son throwing my brand new cell phone off a friend's boat and into Lake Travis. "Great", I thought. It was just what I needed to send me over the edge.

We got home, put our little one to bed, and I then informed my husband that I needed to be alone for a while. I felt so agitated and needed to unwind a bit. I went outside and wondered around in the front yard before settling into a lawn chair on the driveway. It was dark out - well after 10pm - and all my neighbors were inside their homes so I felt safe to let loose and let God know what I was feeling...

"What am I going to do, God? I can not handle anything right now. Please help me. Please help my son. He is out of control. Or maybe he is just 3 - either way - help me! I feel as though I am not being a good parent to him - I can not handle his temper tantrums without getting upset. What kind of mom am I? No wonder you won't give me another one - I can't handle the one I have!! And while we are on that subject, why can't I have another one??? Tell me, God! What did I do to deserve this?"

I started to sob...
I placed my face in my hands and continued....

"Please God, help me. Please God, free me of this. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby". I said it over and over and over again.

There was nothing... not a stirring in my heart... not a quiet voice telling me what to do. Absolutely nothing. I felt nothing.

"Do you hear me, God?"... I was getting loud about then. "Do you hear me? If you hear me God, give me a sign! Do SOMETHING! Let me know you hear me!!!!"

Again, nothing.

The tears streamed down my face...
"Let me know you are here.", I said softly.
I had no energy left. It was all I could think of to say.

But right then, I looked up and I saw it...
There was a bright light in the sky out of the corner of my left eye. It was huge! Absolutely HUGE! Not like a star, not like a plane. It was something completely different. Something I have never, ever seen before. It started across the sky and looked like it was on fire. It didn't appear quickly like a falling star would, and then fade away - it stayed white and bright for a very long time lighting up the entire sky above me. I fixed my eyes on it and found it hard to breathe. It felt like time was standing still. It crossed the entire sky above me, never losing it's brightness or it's greatness. I was frozen, once again, and in complete awe. Once it finished and disappeared, I couldn't move. I sat there for the longest time completely silent. I was almost scared to get up. He had appeared once again, just as I asked and right in the nick of time. I asked Him to show up for me and He did. First, an angel and now this? How could I be so blessed...

I finally ran inside and told my husband what had happened. I could not contain my excitement! I think he thought I was nuts! I had been in the presence of God and my heart felt something that it had never quite felt before. I didn't know how to explain it and still don't. It is way different than the awesome and overpowering feeling of being in love... different than the feeling of excitement... different from the feeling of peace. And it is better than all of those wonderful feelings put together. He had heard my cry and had answered just as I asked. What a wonderful God He was.

Now, would He answer me in another way? In the way that I wanted most? I didn't know and for that moment, I didn't care. I had heard from God once again and I was totally at peace, if not but only for one, hot summer night...

I know what you are thinking... Our story - Part 3

October, 1999 - May, 2000

I know what you are thinking... and it is okay.

In your head you are saying to yourself, "This lady didn't suffer with infertility! Who does she think she is?! Her blessing came before she has a chance to suffer like I do!"
You are right for thinking it and okay for saying it. But my journey was just starting... it didn't truly begin until a few years later...


I only began my descent into the slimy pit of infertility for a few days before I was abruptly pulled out by the shocking news that we were expecting. Now, I was a mother just as I had hoped and I was so happy to be one. My son was the funniest kid I had ever met (and still is) even at the age of 2. He loved to snuggle with his mommy and read books and play with Thomas the Train. He spoke with an accent like he had been born in Boston and he had a this great high pitched squeal that came out when he laughed. He carried a Pooh pacifier around longer than he should have, took naps with me on our couch while I watched A Baby Story, and gave my hubby and I all the joy that a little one should. Even during these precious years with him, I continued to dream of more kids and the big family I had always longed for. I was thankful for my miracle, but I wanted more of this good thing that they called motherhood. I always knew I would want a lot of children... but I didn't realize that I would want them so soon after having Jace. The nagging desire for more kids was at times all too consuming. I thought about the journey that I had almost taken before I found out I was pregnant and along with those thoughts came the beginnings of such great fear. Would we be able to have more? Surely, it would be just as easy as it was the first time around. God has blessed me once and I felt it deep down that He would do it again.


My hubby and I started really talking about having more kids when Jace was about 2. I QUICKLY got off my pill that I had been on and we then decided to move forward with trying. I convinced my husband that we should skip the normal method of getting pregnant and should proceed straight to a procedure called IUI. In my mind I thought this jump would ensure us a pregnancy - "within 6 months" I told him. Wishful thinking yet again. The months came and went... over the next year I took multiple cycles of Clomid, cut out all caffeine, started taking prenatals again, used progesterone, and watched what I ate. My hubby also tried to watch a few things in hopes that it would help. I monitored my follicles at work, did ovulation kits, and took HCG injections to ensure that my egg was plump, ripe and ready for the taking. After only 3 months of IUI's, my hope once again had been stolen. I could tell that my hubby was skeptical that any of this would increase our chances in all reality and what little savings we had, was quickly being drained. It was starting to take a toll and we had only been trying for 90 days! We began to ponder the next step...

When we were first married, I always thought that I had a deeper faith than my husband - don't ask me why. Maybe it was because I was so open with others about what I believed when he, in turn, would be more private about his intimate moments with God. So imagine my dismay when he said to me that he didn't think we should try any procedures for a while. He also said that if God wanted us to have any other children, that He would give us the blessing in His timing. Well, I must say that I didn't like that at all. Not one bit. First off, I admit I probably didn't like it because I knew he was right and secondly, I didn't like it because that took the control out of my hands completely and placed it solely in God's. I hated it when my hubby was right and when I was SO wrong. I also did not like feeling out of control.


In the months to come, I prayed and prayed... I did Bible study after Bible study... I begged over and over for God to give us another baby. I tried to be "the best person I could be" - surely that would make Him bless me again. I obsessed with my cycles and spent 2 weeks out of every month thinking of what color I would do the nursery and how big my belly would get. I even made myself feel pregnant some cycles just to be let down when another pregnancy test proved me wrong. I constantly thought to myself - every month that came my way - that this just had to be the month.

But when those times came and when every month the test was negative, I died a little inside each time. I started to descend into that place that I referred to (and still do) as the pit. It was a horrible place and I hated myself in it. It was a place of sadness, brokenness and despair. Terrible anguish is found there. A dark place where Satan waited for me everyday and everyday, I unfortunately showed up. A place where I would be tested - to my limits - over and over again. A place where I allowed jealousy, anger, bitterness, and envy to take over what was left of my heart. A place where my focus would be stolen from this precious little boy - this miracle in front of me and displaced to where an infertile woman lives. A place where I would sob in private so that no one would see the depths of my pain. I didn't feel as though anyone could understand. No one that was close to me was going through the same thing as I. If I told them how I felt, would they see me as the ungrateful and broken person I was?

18 months had passed and I was still not pregnant.
What now?
What in the world do we do now?

I was growing anxious with each passing month and I could feel myself grow more bitter and more cold. I must say that I never gave up on God nor turned my back on Him because I knew He was a gracious God... He had shown me that. I knew He must have a good reason for what He was doing, but deep down, I was so mad at Him for putting me in this place that I could not see straight. I tried to conceal my emotions and replace those feelings with thankful prayers, but He knew better. He saw right through those empty words and straight into my ugly heart. I wanted to be honest with Him about how I felt, but I feared He would not bless me if I did. What a fool I was. Unfortunately and to my further demise, it took me another 2 years of trying before I finally came clean with Him... before I dropped to my knees in desperation and poured out my real heart at the feet of Jesus. What I found there was wonderful but that is for another entry. All I can say is that I should have done it sooner because the years to come were the darkest of my life...

An angel in Las Vegas? Our story - Part 2

April, 1997
As we sat on the plane, my hubby could tell my mind was elsewhere. So could my mom. She seemed to look at me across the aisle with such sadness in her eyes. Not sadness from the results per say, but sadness for me, that I was having to embark on this new journey. Even my dad tried to cheer me up... they all said not to worry over it right now. Enjoy the vacation and once home, we would revisit the topic again.

I tried. I tried really hard. I didn't want to ruin the trip. I didn't mention it once we got there... I spent the first day equipped with a fake smile and a dragging spirit. To me, my life had changed completely and now all of a sudden, my focus went from being a new wife and having a good time to watching every child that passed me by, wondering if I would ever get to be a mom. I slept well that night (even with the snoring going on in the room) and I got up the next morning rested and ready to try not to think on it anymore.

We had a normal morning in Vegas. Up early, dressed, off to the breakfast buffet, and then on to the slots. It was a relatively early morning for us though. We were up by 7a and at the slots at Treasure Island by 8:30a. I remember that it was like a ghost town in that place - not a soul in sight. A few people scattered around, but nothing like the night life in Vegas. I moved from slot to slot trying to find the one I wanted to play. My mother had acquired a nasty sinus infection overnight and was at the hotel resting. My father and my husband had left me for a more interesting section of the casino and I was left alone to ponder my fate, once again. "I am not going to think about it", I thought. Let's play some video poker... that will make me feel better.

I wondered around and finally sat down at a machine that was right in the main aisle way of the hotel. I put in 2 quarters and got nothing. "That figures", I thought. That was just the way my life was going. I grabbed another 2 quarters out of the bucket and threw them in, not even looking at the machine. I played the hand and glanced up looking for my hubby when the entire machine started to light up and the siren started to scream at me. You would have thought that I had won the lottery. I looked down and it was flashing 800 quarters. "800 quarters... how much is that?" My brain wasn't working. I looked around for my husband and father, proud of what I had just done. I might not be able to conceive, but I can play some video poker!! I guess they heard the noise because they came around the corner to see me waving them over. Of course, they both sat down next to me to play their own machines... never mind my jackpot of $200 - they wanted one of their own.

In the midst of waiting for the machine to pay me my due, it ran out of quarters. Great - just what I needed. Now I had to wait for someone to come over and pay me the rest. I turned on the light signaling that I needed help, but no one came. Like I said - it was dead in that place. Not an attendant in sight. I sat and sat as the two men in my life played on either side on me (with no luck I might add). Then, a few minutes later, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder...

I turned expecting an attendant and instead saw a middle-aged man with a walker. He had dark hair, pale skin, was dressed in slacks and a polyester shirt, and had a sweet softness to his eyes. He smiled at me. I smiled back.

"Yes sir?", I asked, not sure who he was or what he wanted with me.
"I saw what happened" he said as he smiled.
"Um, yes sir.", I said.
We stared at each other for a while and after he said nothing else, I turned around and stared at my machine. I felt weird. Not scared really, just weird. I could sense my hubby looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Then, I felt his soft tap once again. I turned around...

"Yes, sir?", I said again.
"Are you two married?", He said as he pointed to my husband and myself.
"Um, yes sir, we are.", I said with a smile. He just stared at me with those soft eyes and that sweet grin. Once again, I turned around, not knowing what to say or what to do. This time, I could see my dad eyeing him as only a dad could do. I wanted to say "it's OK", but didn't. I was frozen.

Once again, I felt the tapping of his fingers and I turned around once more.
"Do you have children?", he asked.
Now, what exactly is this all about?! Hadn't I tortured myself enough in the last few days and now that I was trying not to focus on the news we received back home, here is some stranger bringing it all up again! I felt my stomach sink. I looked at him and annoyingly said, "No, we do not."

I turned around to look at the machine and felt him come closer. My heart was racing. I was mad and scared and mystified all at the same time. He gently touched my shoulder, leaned down by my ear and simply said...

"Keep trying.".

I couldn't move. I couldn't look at him or ask him why he said that. I couldn't look at my husband or my father. I couldn't do anything except focus on the words that had he just uttered... "keep trying". I felt a rush go through my body. I had goose bumps and the hair on my arms stood up on end. I can't explain it really, I just know that at that moment, I knew I was not in the presence of an ordinary old man. I finally turned to see him walking away. I looked at my husband and he said, "I know what you are thinking...". "Do you?", I thought. I turned and looked again... the man was gone. Not a trace of him.

My dad was speechless. My husband just smiled and shook his head. I sat there not sure what to do. Could this have been a messenger of some sort? Could God, the One that I worshipped only on Sundays and hadn't yet invited into my home, my marriage, nor fully into my heart, be giving me a message of hope?

I left my winnings and both guys there at the machines and ran up to my mom's room. I told her the story as quickly as I could. "What do you think?", I said.

"I think you just met your angel.", she said.

I think she was right. A bit of hope brewed within my soul. Could there be a family in my future after all?

We flew back a few days later and I arrived on Monday to work. While looking at the calendar I noticed that I was a day late on my period, but that was nothing new. I had been so irregular all of my life, that being late a few days - even a few weeks late at times wasn't a big deal. I always did a pregnancy test (I guess it was wishful thinking) and had yet to see that "plus" sign that I so desperately desired. I remembered that before we left for our trip, I had placed the results from our tests on the doctor's desk for his opinion and further instruction. I quickly ran into the bathroom and did a pregnancy test before running over to see what he had to say. I placed the test down on the counter in our lab and went to my station. Once there, I saw my paper - you know, that one that had ruined my life - laying there with the words "Refer to IVF clinic" on it. There was that pit again. No trying on our own - no, nothing... just IVF? How could we afford that at this point in your lives? That glimmer of hope that I received while in Vegas was now officially gone again. I went on to work, shuffling patients around and answering phone calls. I couldn't think about it now, I had too much to do.

About an hour had passed when I stumbled onto that pregnancy test that I had forgot about in the lab. I hesitantly peered over it from afar to see the "minus" sign that I always saw every month and had decided that once I saw it, I would quickly throw it in the trash so no one would see my shame. But, in that very moment, on April 21, 1997, my life changed yet again. Where there had always been a minus sign, there was a beautiful and perfect plus sign. Pregnant? "No way", I thought. For a moment, I felt as though I was in a dream, but I wasn't. Only 5 days after being told that we would never conceive on our own and only 3 days after being "touched by an angel", I was indeed pregnant. God had performed His first visible miracle in my life. I was a mommy right at that very moment and with my legs shaking and mascara running down my face, I sat still in the presence of God, totally at peace... I was so very thankful for my perfect little surprise.

Those words from my hubby, "What do doctors know?!", rang through my head over and over. He was right. They knew nothing of what God could do even in a barren womb like mine. I was in love and in awe of this God I thought I knew before but had just now seemed to get to know on an intimate level. I had a new understanding of the word grace and I felt like I had had a glimpse into the heart of God. An Almighty God who would communicate with little ol' me even in the city of sin. A God who cared so much about my pain and the hurt I felt, that he graciously placed a precious miracle baby in my belly before I had even started down the road of infertility. What a God He is.

Jace Christian was born on a Wednesday - December 17th, 1997. Exactly 8 months to the day of that life-changing phone call. The doctors must have been wrong. We had delivered a perfect, olive skinned, brown eyed, red lipped little baby boy... what a miracle he was. We were OK and we had conceived on our own. I couldn't wait to have more! They must have made a mistake with those tests they ran because I was, at last, a mommy.

Before I continue with our story, just a few facts...

Number of years we have suffered with infertility in one way or another - 10
Number of living children - 2
Number of children in Heaven - 3
Number of failed IVF attempts - 1
Number of IUI attempts - 6
Number of cycles with a positive test - 3
Number of cycels with a false positive test - 1
Number of cycles with a negative test - 106
Number of miscarriages - 1
Number of C-sections - 1
Number of reproductive surgeries - 4
Number of ovaries and tubes left - 1
Number of enraged fits, shaking my fist at God and actually telling Him how I really felt about it all - 5
Number of times I thought I was going to scream because someone else was pregnant - at least 100
Number of times I prayed for a baby - too many to count
Numer of time I have prayed for His will - too many to count
Number of times I have "completely surrendered" this all to God, just to take it back from Him - 10
Number of times I want to take it back again - 0


Here's to moving on... one day at a time.

The beginning of our story...

I think I am starting this blog about 10 years too late... but better late than never, I guess.

Our journey all started one day - a Wednesday to be exact - April 16, 1997 to be more exact - with a phone call. I had just returned back to work from a long lunch with co-workers. It was our "half-day" and our office was closed after noon. As I gathered my things and headed for the door, our back line started to ring... and ring... and ring... and ring. I didn't want to turn back - I was after all leaving for Vegas the next day with my husband and parents, but the phone kept ringing. If I turn around to answer the phone, I could potentially get stuck dealing with a patient who had dared to call after hours. "Just keep going", I thought, but something told me to stop and pick that phone up.

"This is Mary at the lab. I have test results for patient, Brandy Johnson. Can I fax them over?". Wow... that was fast. Little did the voice on the other end of the line know that the patient was me. My husband and I had never used birth control since our wedding night and although we weren't trying to conceive, I was a little worried that after 16 months of not caring, there had been no "oops". As a nurse in a OB/GYN/Infertility office, I had seen it all. My days were consumed with pregnant bellies, newborn babies, and unfortunately a large number of ladies who had tried for years to conceive without success. Surely, that could not and would not be me. The ONLY thing I ever wanted to do in life besides being a wife, was to be a mommy. It was my greatest dream and I was ready to start on this new journey into motherhood!

"Sure send them over... uh, are there any problems?"
"Well, there are some abnormalities - I will fax them over to you. If you have any questions, give me call."

I dropped everything and ran upstairs. My heart was pounding. Abnormalities? What kind of abnormalities? Surely, everything is OK. This is my dream!! This can not happen! The 2 minutes it took to receive the fax seemed like a lifetime. Finally, the machine beeped and it was on it's way.

The paper was full of numbers and had TONS of red arrows on it. You know the ones I am talking about, the ones that a professor would put onto your paper in college to alert you of all that was horribly wrong or incorrect. That was my paper - my results - full of abnormal red arrows! My heart sank. All nursing knowledge that I possessed flew out the window... "what does this mean and what can we do to fix it?????", I thought.

I didn't waste any time. I promptly called the nurse back and explained that the patient was me. I told her that the doctor I worked for was already gone for the day and that I needed someone to explain the results to me. I remember her voice. I remember that she seemed like was such a sweet lady. She walked me through it all, step by step, line by line. She was cautious with her words, yet honest about the problems that we faced. After about a 5 minute conversation, I asked "what is the bottom line?". She then uttered the words that I will never forget...

"You will probably never get pregnant on your own, no matter what you do. You might try IVF (in vitro fertilization) but I don't even know that it will work. Maybe ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) will work, but there are no guarantees."

What? I felt my legs give way... my heart sinking in my chest. My dream was over - just like that - and with a stupid phone call that ruined my vacation, none the less. What was happening and how was I going to tell my precious husband this? How could I look at him and tell him that we could potentially never have children?

I don't remember the ride home, but I do remember how I felt walking in the door knowing that I would have utter the words "we can't have kids". What a failure. What a wasted life. What a slap in the face. What would we do if we couldn't conceive and build a family just as I had envisioned in my mind? When I told my hubby about the phone call, he reacted just as I knew he would - with support and without concern.

"Doctors!", he said. "They don't know anything - only God knows what will happen. It only takes one sperm and one egg. I am not worried - you shouldn't be either. Let's not think about it... and let's have a good trip."

Yeah - right.