OK- here I was - trying to change the way I was thinking. Trying to place my focus on my Mighty God and not on my mighty situation. Some days I was successful at it and some days I wasn't, but I was trying and I know God was pleased with that.
I remember being blessed with the friendships of quite a few women who were struggling with infertility themselves. It was so nice to know I wasn't alone.... that there wasn't something wrong with me... that there were others out there who knew truly how I felt. This gave me comfort and a sense of peace. I know God allowed them each to come into my life at just the right moment. These relationships gave me joy and that in turn, made some days really beautiful. I began to appreciate my time alone again as well. It was time to get to know the God of the universe on a much more intimate level and how could that be bad - right? Do I hear an Amen?! I met with Him A LOT and felt Him close by like I never had before. I drew near to Him searching for relief, and on some days, I really did find it. Though scared of total surrender, I never gave it all up fully, but I was trying to get there and I knew He knew applauded my efforts. I began to be able to go a day, maybe two, without thinking about infertility at all. I tried to place my focus on my miraculous son and thoroughly enjoyed being a mom to the one most precious child in the entire world. (: I volunteered a lot. I fellowshipped with other women a lot. I had long lunches with my hubby often. I even took a nap from time to time. (: These, I must say, were really good days...
But then, there were the not so good days. I still had them - even as I tried to surrender.
I remember days of crying uncontrollably on my husband's shoulder after starting my period.... thinking, "would this last forever?????!!!!!!". Why couldn't I get past this? Why couldn't I move on? Why did I feel SO STRONGLY like I was suppose to be a mom again, yet month after month, that intuition never proved true? I remember my hubby consoling me day after day, not knowing what to say and me thinking, could he possibly ever know the pain that I am feeling? I remember, as much as I do not want to admit this, feeling no happiness for others when they got pregnant. None - I was numb. The very words "pregnant" would burn deep inside my gut. On some days, I could physically feel the pain in my chest. One of the worst things I remember is catching myself thinking about one friend losing their baby. It wasn't a thought I wanted or willfully executed but it was a thought that came to my mind. I denounced it severely and prayed over it but nothing could erase what I had thought about at first. It was a sick thought and I was the sick one who thought it. I was heart-sick. Mind-sick and soul-sick. I could have days that any number of things could send me into a tail spin without a moment's notice and it felt like I could do nothing about it. I remember finding out that a dear friend of mine was pregnant with her third child - the news didn't hit me too hard or hurt me too much (must have been having a good week) until the weeks that followed. After about the 3rd week of hearing about it, I remember calling another friend who I felt comfortable with and trusted and told her that I was gonna scream if I heard another word about her pregnancy! I was going to SCREAM at the TOP of my lungs!!!! The "ickiness" kept creeping back no matter how hard I attempted to let it go. I felt darkness looming over me because of my barren womb and I struggled in private with the filthy heart I had because of it. The pain that infertility brings isn't pretty and it is hard to confess. Those were the REALLY bad days...
So this was my life.
Good days. Bad days. Surrender days. Pain days. I never knew what I would feel and when I would feel it. I had so many days when my prayer life was wonderful and when I had a clear sense of what I was do next. There was much comfort in those days. I had days when I would get on my knees and just cry out to Him, saying "Please help me, please show me, please take this from me, please, please, please". Nothing else, nothing more... I just couldn't muster any more than that. All I had was just a cry for help and on some of those days... most of those days, I heard nothing. I had no understanding of His plan or which way it would take me. But, no matter the day - good or bad, one thing I always hung on to was that He was there. Yes, HE WAS THERE! I may not have "felt" Him all of the time or gained understanding all of the time, but I always knew He heard me and for that I was always thankful.
I do remember one day in particular, when I glimpsed a bit of my future through prayer. Jace was at school and I was having one of those "bad" days that I just talked about. I remember being in Jace's room for some reason and ended up on my knees, face on the ground, crying out to God. I remember asking specifically for Word from Him. I needed to hear Him that day - in one way or another. Through a person, a study, His word, through this prayer - I needed to know whether we should continue this journey or move on completely. I had to know. I felt like I couldn't go on any longer. I had to have something from Him or I felt like I was going to crumble. After about 10 minutes of prayer, I remember being silent for a while - waiting and crying - hoping to hear or feel something - anything from Him!
Very clearly, very softly, I began to hear a statement over and over in my head.
"Wait on Me... wait on Me... wait on Me... wait on me...."
Oh, how I still love to think on this, even right here at this very moment. It still brings tears to my eyes. The Most High God spoke to me... little ol' me... right there on the floor of my son's room. He heard my cry and knew my heart was breaking. He knew I needed something to keep going and Hallelujah, He spoke to me!!! There were much bigger issues in the world that day, but He took time out of His day to calm my aching heart. What tenderness He has for us... what mercy His character exhibits... what love He possesses.
I sat straight up barely being able to breath.
"Wait on Me"... I thought. Not "no". Not "yes". Not "maybe", but "wait on Me".
I had received my Word.
I didn't know what I was waiting on, but I sure was going to wait! I did not want to miss out on this blessing, whatever it may be. I hoped that it meant I would waiting on a baby, but it could have been so many things other than that. No matter what, I was gonna wait!
If I remember right, I had more good days than bad after that meeting on the floor of my child's room. God soon started to become enough... even with this womb that was still barren. He became what I sought after... even more than the baby that my heart so longed for. My ache never fully went away, but the desperation diminished the more I gave myself over. He is good and I reminded myself of that daily while I waited on Him to reveal His plan.
Psalm 86:1-7,10-13 -"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy, In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."
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