Losing Hope - Our story - Part 6

April, 2002
"We were able to retrieve 13 eggs", the voice on the other end of the line said.

Thirteen - although I don't believe in luck, thirteen has always been my "lucky" number.

"They aren't all mature, but there are quite a few good ones. We will do the ICSI procedure and you can come in on day 5 for transfer. We will let you know then how many embryos you have."

Embryos. I never liked that word... it seems like a pitiful excuse of a word to me. The word baby is appropriate and welcome. Calling them anything else is just wrong.

We waited (in tremendous pain, I might add) for 3 days and showed up for the transfer. Out of all thirteen fertilized eggs, only 2 babies remained. I have pictures of them - they were only a tiny clump of magnified cells. Still each a baby to me though. I thought they were beautiful. I was excited, but exhausted and ready for this particular procedure to be finished. It would take 10 days of waiting before I could find out if this indeed was the different cycle I had been praying for.

I remembering lying there on the table after the babies were placed in my womb staring out the window. I felt a strong sense of doom. I began to cry. As I looked at Chris sitting across the room, I felt helpless. I knew he was not at all thrilled with what we had done, but that he had appeased me anyway. I loved him for that, but upset he wasn't more excited. I knew our chances were slim that I would indeed get pregnant or that I would have more than one baby, but I was totally willing to take that chance. The thought of possibly getting pregnant was overwhelming to me and I was extremely anxious to begin the 10 day trek to the dreaded pregnancy test. 9 days, 22 hours and counting...

I don't remember much about that wait. Maybe just that is was excruciating, but I do however, remember the day that I tested. I was still working part-time for the doctor's office and had been there at 7am sharp to have the HCG drawn. We did it STAT and it would take about 3 hours for the results to return to me. My husband was on standby, I am sure bracing himself for what would happen if it was negative. My parents were sitting by the phone. Friends too knew that this day would change my life - either way. I would either get my wish or sink deeper into the pit. I know that result couldn't come any sooner to me and I am sure they felt the same.

The back line rang around 10:15a... I knew this was it. The moment. The lady at the STAT lab was named Gracie and I knew her voice well from the years I had been there.

"I have STAT results for a Brandy Johnson."
For all those years, she never knew that Brandy Johnson was me and I was glad. I would have been embarrassed had she known that every month I was the failure she was reporting on... that every time she called, she was calling to devastate me with the sound of her voice saying that the HCG level, "was less than 2" - yet again. Less than 2 meant not pregnant. Less than 2 meant I was less than a woman.

"OK, I am ready." I said.

"The results are less than 2."

Silence.
I could barely choke back the words "thank you" before I hung up the phone. This time the cycle had been different... not different in the way I had hoped and wished for, but different in that I had just lost 2 precious children. They were with me - alive just 10 days prior and now, they were in me and dead. I couldn't believe it. NEGATIVE - again.

Something in me changed that day and as I look back, I see that my descent into what I call the slimy pit of infertility began to rapidly increase shortly thereafter. I do remember a few things about the rest of that day though...
I remember that my husband brought me flowers to my office before I left for the afternoon... 2 single roses. White - I think.
I remember driving home alone and screaming and sobbing in the car... "why, God?! Why, why, God?" is all I could say.
I remember telling my friend Tammy that is was negative and yelling over and over again, "I just don't understand... why is HE doing this??!!" She didn't know what to say. I wouldn't have either.
I remember praying and crying until I just did not have any tears left. I felt numb. I couldn't believe that after all we had been through, we were right back where we had begun.

But, I must also say that even in the midst of all the sadness, God provided that day as well. (What an awesome God He is.) I did go home and pick up my Bible and began to read scripture. I needed anything from Him that I could get. Any word at this point would do... any peace that He could send my way would be great and He gave me just what I needed. Scripture after scripture came forth - not only to get me through the day, but also to get me through the years to follow. I specifically remember reading 1 Peter 4:12... it says, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." It made me laugh a bit and I needed that. "Don't be surprised" it said -"but rejoice". Rejoice, Lord? How can I rejoice right now? I just lost 2 babies and all the hope that was left inside me.
O, Lord, Teach me how to rejoice in the midst of suffering... and how to have hope again.

I sent an email out to friends and family that afternoon letting them know what had happened. I told them that God had a different plan for us than what we had thought and that we looked forward to seeing what that plan was. I told them that our babies were in Heaven and that God, alone, was enough for us. That He, alone, would sustain us...

As the "dark" years approached, I began to search scripture for new hope. I was drawn to Jeremiah 29:11 which has now become my life verse. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

His plan was in place. Now, as I waited on Him to reveal it, could I live up to my words? Could God, alone, be enough for me if my future didn't include the answered prayer that I so desperately wanted?

My infertility journey had begun years ago, but my spiritual journey had just started. I had suffered already for 31 cycles - not quite 3 years without truly seeking God and HIS plan. It was time to try something different. It was time to start trusting Him and what He had in store for us - no matter the outcome.