September ,2001 - March, 2002
When Jace was 4 we moved into a new and bigger home. We told others that we had grown out of the other house, and even though that was very much true, I was also planning for and anticipating an addition to the family at any time. Even though we were no closer to getting pregnant than we were 2 years prior when we had first started trying for a second child, I still had high hopes and much faith that God would answer our prayers. And if He did, more kids meant I needed more space.
We prayed about this particular move A LOT and felt that God gave us the okay to move forward. Just the other day, I was looking back on a bunch of old prayers journals from that year - 2001 - and noticed that I had prayed about this move more so than I remember. Every entry for months asked for His will for our lives, His protection over us from making the wrong decisions, His provision for the right home and new friends nearby, and His wisdom as to how to proceed with it all. I wanted so badly to make sure this move was right- not only for us as a family, but for my son too. We found the right neighborhood for us and within 6 months, we were in our new home which was complete with an extra room just the right size for a nursery. I even set up my son's old crib and changing table in that room thinking it would only be a matter of time before I would be bringing a baby home to fill it.
Shortly after we moved in, I started praying fervently for a couple of specific things. One, where to go from here with our infertility situation (we were now on cycle 26 without any success), and two, for Christian friends for Jace and our family. God was quick in answering one prayer request and the results added tremendous blessing to our lives, but He wasn't so quick in answering the other. As I look back on this prayer time and the answers, or lack there of, that we received, I am in awe (once again - Praise you Father!) of God and His mighty hand in my life. He provided me with a fantastic group of ladies whom I grew very close with, very quickly. They were and are all very special to me, but one in particular was almost like a soul mate to me and her son, was my son's soul mate as well. How much more could I have asked for in provision for our family???!!! He provided in a HUGE way and these friendships that I made helped me tremendously while I suffered with my infertility struggles. As for the other prayer request, I didn't know where we stood in moving forward with trying to have another baby, or as a matter of fact, where He stood on it at all either. I felt like no matter how hard I prayed and no matter how much I asked for an answer, the answer never came. I journaled daily and prayed very hard for guidance. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed and prayed, but still felt I was no where near knowing what God wanted me to do, if anything. I felt like I was just "sitting still" and I did not like the fact that my cycles were passing me by and we were doing nothing more than we had done for over 2 years. I started to grow quite anxious and began approaching my husband (and God) about IVF (in vitro fertilization).
I had heard quite a bit about IVF... from medical journals, patients who had gone through it, from others nurses that I worked with, and doctors around town. I wanted to know all that I could about the procedure so I started to investigate it. I attended seminars (with and without my husband), stayed up late into the wee hours reading about it, searched it on the Internet, and of course, prayed about it. Maybe this was the way to go, I began to think... maybe this IS His answer to our infertility problems. Remember my paper work that read "Refer to IVF clinic" those few short years before? Maybe the answer was right in front of my face all along!!! Maybe God had given me the answer long ago and I just had overlooked it. The only thing I had to do now was convince my husband that this was the right move for us. He had been less than enthusiastic when we had casually discussed it in the months prior, but I knew he knew how much I wanted a baby and I thought that with a little persuasion, he would get on board with the new plan. I thought, I'll pray about this and ask God to help Chris see it my way. I felt truly happy again with the thought of IVF. It had been a while since I had felt that way and I was glad for the break. There had been too much sadness in the years prior...
"OK - we have a plan!! IVF is the way to go!"
With the thought of this, I became so very excited again - just like I did when we first began trying to have a second baby when Jace was just 2. This is pretty simple, I thought... "If we do IVF, then a pregnancy should occur. Just take his sperm and my eggs and fertilize them in a dish - then, put them back in - put my legs up and it will take. I have no reason to think otherwise". My pregnancy with my son was fairly uneventful with the exception of hyperemesis, so this pregnancy would be no different. I studied everything I could about the procedures and the outcomes and brought the info to my husband, hoping for the best.
It was not well received....
I love my husband, but I remember being so mad at him that day. After giving him all the info, he sat there completely silent - just staring at me. There was not one bit of interest or excitement anywhere on his face. After a while, he finally spoke... "That's a lot of money, Brandy", he said. I just sat there - stunned.
Yes, 12k to be exact, but could you put a price on a child, I thought??
Oh my goodness!!!! We can not have a baby and that is all that he can think of! Money?! I was SO MAD! What about my heart that is breaking?! What about my womb and eggs that are growing old? What about our son who has started praying for a baby sister or brother every night without him being asked to? What about the darkness that is starting to take over my life because I can not get past the thought of never having anymore children? What about me? Forget the money!
I could feel the fire raging inside my chest, but I gathered myself and continued on...
"Yes, I know it is, but our way isn't working and we have to do something else! I am desperate, Chris! What do you want us to do?"
"If God wants us to have a baby, then we will have a baby. I think we should just wait on Him.", he said.
I hated him for that. He was right and I knew it, but I didn't want to hear it. I searched for aomething else - another comeback - another reason as to why he didn't share the same vision or the same excitement that I did about trying IVF. Then another thought came to mind... What if he was using God's will as an excuse to avoid spending the 12k? I bet that is it! I convinced myself it was just about the money... not the baby or the procedure - just the cash. I was furious. He was on my list... you know, the bad one. I felt completely crushed. As the conversation continued, I felt myself sink deeper into that place that I earlier referred to as "the pit". On top of the heartache of not having a baby, now my hubby and I were not seeing eye to eye. It was a huge blow.
We didn't come to an understanding or an agreement that day, but did decide to talk more about it in the months to come.
Over the next months, I prayed a lot about it and about my marriage. IVF had become, quite literally, my new obsession. I felt like it was our only hope and I reminded Chris of that daily. As I look back on my journal entries at that time, I see a lot of me telling God what I wanted and not much of me asking God for what He wanted. I should have been praying for HIS WILL - no matter what the outcome was - not just for my desires. I should have been putting my hope IN HIM and not in IVF since I did not have confirmation that it was OK to proceed with the procedure to begin with. I shouldn't have dictated what I wanted Him to do without asking Him what He wanted me to do. All around, I was seeking His OK to MY plan instead of my OK to HIS plan. I wish I would have recognized that earlier, but I know now that it was necessary part of the walk... I didn't have the faith at that point in my life to completely surrender like I should have.
My husband finally agreed to do IVF after many days and weeks of negotiations and arguments. I knew he wasn't 100% on board, but I knew he loved me and would do anything for me. I also knew that when I turned up pregnant with twins BECAUSE of IVF, he would see that my plan had indeed worked just as I had thought...
We were scheduled to begin the IVF procedures in late March of 2002 with the harvesting of eggs and the transfer of embryos set for a few weeks later in April. As the date grew closer, our bank account grew smaller, and I started sensing an uneasiness from my husband. He was distracted, distant, even, but my mind was made up. We would proceed and in 9 months, I would be free of the despair and the heartache that had consumed me for so long. And I couldn't wait.
Cycle 31 was approaching - the IVF cycle we had been preparing for. This one just had to be different, I thought.
Oh, please God, let this one be different...
No comments:
Post a Comment