Closing the chapter...

I always said that I wanted to have all of my children by the time I was 35. My hubby and I always said that we would try until that time and then once it was here, we would close the chapter on trying to have babies no matter what we had been through.

Well, I turn 35 on this Sunday, August 3rd and in a last ditch effort to have one more baby before that day arrived, we tried very hard to get pregnant this last month. I tested today and my test was negative.

I guess I have my answer...

On this birthday coming up, I will celebrate the two most beautiful, smart, funny, charismatic, precious, and spiritually aware children that anyone could ever have. I am forever grateful for them and the gift that God gave me in them.

I will also mourn the loss of the child I wished I could be holding right now. She would have been 16 months old and her name is Faith. She is real and not many remember - only a few. But I remember her and I will never forget.

I will celebrate my husband of almost 13 years and thank God for giving me the most understanding, compassionate, passionate, caring, and loving man that I could have ever asked for. Without him, I would have never survived all these years of infertility.

I will also mourn the loss of my dream... the dream of being a mom many times over. The loss of being able to shout out to my husband "I am pregnant!!" just one more time. The loss of seeing my belly grow in anticipation of a new little life. The loss of having the big family that I so desperately longed for. The loss of seeing my son get to be a big brother again and my daughter never getting "the baby sister" that she has asked for.

But, as hard as it will be on that day, I will wholeheartedly celebrate God and the path that He chose for me. Even though it is not my choice exactly and not what I want in regards to having more children, I will always want Him more. And in order to have Him fully in my life, glorify Him, and worship Him, I must accept His plan.

I will ask Him to help me because I sure feel weak right now.
I will ask Him to be my strength because I feel like I do not have any.
I will ask Him to forgive me for wanting something other than what He wants because I know (and He knows) that I still do.
I will ask Him to catch my tears because there are plenty at this time.
And even though I know I shouldn't, I admit that I will beg Him to change His mind and allow me just one more miracle.

But as sure as the sun sets, I believe I will see Him "stick to His guns".
Not because He can not perform the miracle that I so desperately want but because He will not perform it if it is not a part of His will and His plan for my life. He will only allow in my life what He knows I can handle and what will in turn, bring glory to Him. I accept that plan because He is my God and my Savior and because I love Him. He allows it because He loves me.

3 days to go until the chapter is finished...

3 days to go until I can be done...

3 days to go until I can close the book and hopefully not look back...

God - help me. I can not do this one alone.
B

WOW!
What in the world happened today?????

I had a brief momentary lapse of reasoning and had myself a little hissy fit and a pity party all at once! I had a horribly bad attitude... and had it all even while at church!! Brave - hun?

I had a friend of mine who I adore and love tell me that she is expecting her third baby in February. After hugging her and telling her how happy I was (and I assure you that I am)I just suddenly got mad as I walked away. Madder than heck!

This is when I became schizophrenic!
I began thinking - why in the world can she get three and I can't?
Then I thought - why am I acting like this? How dare me!
Then I thought - I have a right to be upset... I can not exercise my ability to have children like most women can!
Then I replied with - You have 2 children that were given to you by God! How selfish are you?
The I said - I guess I am selfish and sometimes, I just have to be. I can't always be good.
And then I said - that is when you have to give it up and allow Him to take over.

I can not do it all, everyday, by myself. Some days, I need God to be my strength and I need to just be mad. Then as I confess it and give it over, He frees me of it... little by little.

One day, it won't hurt anymore. I am sure of it. God promises COMPLETE deliverance and redemption. My day is coming...

When I got home from church and I was looking for any word of wisdom in the midst of my fit, I began flipping through a little table top devotional that I received at my ladies retreat this past year. I flipped in a panic hoping and praying that God would have word for me. Even if that word was "SHUT UP!"

This is what I found:
"I confess to You, that I am overwhelmed by the task ahead, but I am thankful that You have authority over all things. Heaven is Your throne and earth is your footstool (Matthew 5:34-35): therefore, anything over my head is under Your feet." - Beth Moore

Praise God that He didn't tell me to SHUT UP! (:
Once again, He is here right in the middle of my pain. I know that until my day comes when I no longer long for more children or the child that I lost, He will be there every step of the way. Guiding me... encouraging me... hearing me... and loving me.

Isn't He good even when everything seems bad!

Philippians 4:13- "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Maybe one day... Our story, Part 14

August 14th & 15th, 2006-

We walked in the door and our son met us in the hallway. He bounced over to us with his wide toothy grin and gave me a big hug.

"How is the baby?", he said.

"Well, Buddy..." I stopped for a minute, "there is something that Daddy and I need to talk to you about."

"That baby is dead, isn't it?", he said.

Did he just say that to us? I couldn't believe it... I looked to my mom to see if she had said anything to him before we had got there and she shook her head 'no' with tears in her eyes. I looked back at those big brown eyes that were staring up at me and continued...

"Why do you say that, bud?"

"I just know... the baby is dead, right?", he repeated.

"Well, yes sweetie. Our baby is not alive. It is up in heaven with Jesus.", I said.

"I knew it.", he said softly.

He gave me a squeeze and walked away. I gave him a few moments and then went to check on him. He was crying... sitting on our stairs - alone. It was a moment that was very hard for us all but I remember feeling very strong at that time. I didn't cry, I just told him it was going to be OK and that God had a plan and that His plan is best. I truly believe that God gave me the words and provided me with the strength that I needed to get through that conversation. But, I thought and still think it was quite interesting that Jace knew before we got home. I guess that sometimes kids just know... maybe God prepares their little hearts. Sometimes, we think they don't or that they can't somehow comprehend things of this caliber but much to our surprise, they can. God made them so precious and so perfect and so wonderful and so smart. Sometimes, I think they know more than we do because their faith is so pure.

Our son never asked about why or when or how. He just accepted what had happened and the explanation that I had given him. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that when times get hard? Just accept what God had for us and moved on.

I knew the next day would be hard but I was ready to get the surgery over with. I went through the rest of the day completely numb. I had no feeling at all, really. It was strange. I remember talking to my best friend on the phone who was away in Colorado and her crying when I told her. I remember that I was consoling her and telling her that it was going to be OK. In turn, you would have thought that I would have been the one who was sobbing and needing to be consoled but I wasn't. God was right there with me, holding my hand and providing all that I needed to make it through. I give absolutely NO credit to me... I am absolutely NOT capable of handling these types of situations - especially the death of my own child but God was so good to me and delivered me once again when I needed it most. How could I ever thank Him enough? My heart swells with gratefulness when I think on it... I could have started a downward spiral into the depths of depression right there at that very moment but he rescued me that day and gave me peace I needed. Once again, He had shown Himself mighty and precious and our relationship was taken to a new level even in the midst of my grief.

The next morning came quickly and we prepared for the D&C. I don't remember much but I do remember still feeling numb. I was just going through the motions at this point. We signed in, headed back, got the IV, spoke to the doctor, and waited for our turn. What conversation Chris and I had that morning was smalltalk. There was no talk of the baby. I didn't want to loose that strength that I had found in the last 24 hours.

They came for me and I said goodbye to my hubby. He stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and smiled sweetly. I knew what he was saying... and he didn't even have to say it at all. They wheeled me away and as I stared at the ceiling and the lights that zoomed past one by one, I began to feel tremendous pain. My heart began to hurt and I began to cry. We stopped in a room and a woman with a surgical mask bent over me and saw my face. My eyes locked onto hers and before I drifted off to sleep, she said these words...

"God is with you and your baby. He will take care of you".

I nodded my head and fell asleep.

Even there on that surgery table where all is sterile and cold and lonely, God appeared once again and provided some much needed peace and understanding through one of his servants. I never got that nurse's name nor saw her face again but I wish I could have said thank you to her. Maybe one day, I will get to.

Always There... Our Story, Part 13

As Chris and I left our doctor's office, we felt completely numb and totally in shock. What I had always dreaded most in my life was happening - we had lost one of our children. Even though I did not hold this baby in my arms, I felt I knew this baby already. She had grown in my belly and was purposed by God and to me, she was just as real as my son and daughter were. I love her already and the fact that she was no longer, was more than my brain or my heart could wrap around.

We had talked with my doctor and had decided to go ahead with a D&C instead of waiting for the actual miscarriage so we headed downstairs to the surgery center to sign papers and get all the info that we needed. It would be scheduled for the next morning.

While we sat and as I filled out paper work, I told my husband to call my mom who was at home watching our kiddos. I asked him to let her know what was going on without too much detail and for him to tell her NOT to tell the kids. I wanted to be able to tell them myself when we got home - especially Jace. He made the call... he was sweet and gentle and filled her in. She didn't believe him at first but he pressed the issue until she figured out that this was not some sort of sick joke. This was actual happening and now her baby had lost a baby of her own.

We signed the paperwork and prepared to go home to tell our children, especially our son, what had happened with the baby. We were walking toward the door and I saw a piece of paper folded up and lying in front of me. I picked it up thinking that maybe I had dropped one of the papers from the hospital but imagine my surprise when I opened it and all I saw were these words:

ROMANS 8:38-39 - "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

My God is always there - just when I need Him most. Our God is so good... even in the midst of my deepest sorrow and grief, He appeared and set my heart at ease. It didn't remove the pain that I was feeling but it lessened it by reminding me how much He loved me and how NOTHING could separate me from that great love. They were the perfect words from a perfect God that an imperfect person needed at a perfect time. Praise you Father.

"Our Nightmare" - Our Story, Part 12

This pregnancy was a HUGE surprise but very welcomed. We were thrilled and overjoyed to be expecting a third baby and especially after only trying for one month! How good is God?! We were also, to be completely honest, scared to death! When this baby was due to be born, my little girl would only be 26 months old. Wow. I did not know how I was going to do it. When I had Savannah, my son was 7!! I had never had two babies in the house at once but I knew that God would take care of it all. I didn't need to worry about the future right now. All I had to worry about at this very moment was the excruciating nausea that was about to hit and how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital this time around.

Like clockwork, at 5 1/2 weeks along, I started to feel sick. Not horribly sick, just that constant and nagging feeling of nausea that lasted all day and all night long. I took that to be a good sign! This must be a strong baby and a healthy pregnancy. I felt this way with both of my others and they were just fine. I called my OB/GYN and asked for a blood test to confirm my dates. I went in and had my blood drawn and they called that afternoon to say that everything was OK. My levels weren't high and they were not low - they were perfectly in the middle. I hung up the phone and awaited the next blood draw that would take place in 48 hours. My levels should have doubled by that time and then after that I would go in for an ultrasound. We were on our way to having another little miracle...

BUT, something felt wrong to me. I wasn't getting SUPER sick like I did with my son or my daughter. I was very nauseated but I wasn't throwing my guts up and I hadn't ended up in the hospital yet for dehydration. Hmmmm. Then, we we received our second test results, the levels had doubled like they were supposed to, but just barely. It made me very nervous and I remember talking to my mom, my husband, and my sister who assured me that all was OK - that I was just having some anxiety over it all. I had to admit that they were right... everything looked OK but something still seemed wrong. I decided to try to place it out of my mind and move forward with the pregnancy. Had I not learned to rely on God and stop looking to myself for answers?!!! My goodness... hadn't He shown me enough in the past for me to just trust Him completely and not take it all in my own hands?! Boy, we sometimes can be so stubborn.

I went in for a ultrasound at about 5 1/2 to 6 wks. knowing what to expect. Since I was an OB/GYN nurse who also worked for 4 years as an OB ultrasound technician, I knew just what I was going to see on the screen. I needed to see two things for me to feel comfortable. One, that the pregnancy was inside the uterus and two, I needed to see a yolk sac. For those of you who do not know what that is, it is a little white appearing ring seen during those scans - you can see it before you can see the baby! It is the source of nutrition for the baby that is visible in the early weeks prior to the placenta taking over. At that visit, I saw one out of the two things. The pregnancy was in the uterus but I saw no yolk sac. The nurse assured me that that could be normal and that I could be off on my dates, etc. For me not to worry and that they would see me back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound. OK, I thought... I just need to get through 3 weeks and once I see that baby and it's heartbeat, I will feel much better.

We left the doctor and pondered what I saw on the scan quite a bit. Would the baby be OK? Is everything growing the way it should? Did we press our luck and ask for too much? Could the office have missed something? My mind was wondering and I was beginning to panic again. I had to just stop and take a deep breath. "All is OK", I kept telling myself. Stop thinking the worse...

The next 3 weeks seemed to take forever. I took my Zofran every 8 hours and kept the nausea at bay the best I could. I never threw up and for that I was thankful. The few days prior to my ultrasound, I seemed to feel a little better. I was up, moving around and taking care of my kids. I felt like the Zofran was working and I was feeling quite good to be 8.5 weeks along. At this time in my last pregnancy, I was in the hospital for the second straight week about to receive a central line so they could feed me. This go around, I was up and trying to play with my 18 month old. I thought it could be an answer to prayer! We had prayed for me not to be so sick and I was hoping that was why I was feeling like I was feeling.

On August 14th, 2006, my husband and I went in to see my doctor. We purposely left our 8 year old behind "just in case" something were wrong. As I hopped on the table so the ultrasound technician could do her thing, I was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't wait to see that little teddy bear on the screen with that heart going a mile a minute. I knew this pregnancy was different and even though I had allowed those feelings of uncertainity to come in and haunt me for the prior 3 weeks, I was still optimistic about what God was doing in my womb. I was ecstatic to be having another little miracle. The young lady who started my scan never turned the screen my way - which totally annoyed me. Didn't she know that I was there to see my baby and didn't she know that I KNEW what I was looking at. I wasn't some patient who didn't have a clue what was going on - I use to work with this very doctor for goodness sake!

"May I look please?", I said to her.

"Um, let me get a few measurements. You know I can not say anything to you. You have to wait for the doctor".

Whatever, I thought. Just show me the screen already!!! She never did. She kept looking, and pushing buttons, and measuring, and ignoring me. I was getting anxious.

"I want to see the screen", I told her again.

She repeated herself, "I can not tell you anything about the scan."

"I know that", I said. "Just let me see my baby".

She tore off the pictures and turned it toward me. There on the screen was my precious baby. A little part of me and my husband. My children's sibling and my parent's grandchild. But this time around, I could tell there was no life there. It lay motionless, with no heartbeat, and measured only 7weeks and 5 days. My baby had been dead for almost a week and deep down, I think I had known it.

She hurried out of the room and I turned to my husband and began to cry. He was smiling because he had no idea what he was looking at. He thought all was OK.

"That is not a normal baby. That baby is not alive. Our baby is not alive!!"

By that point I was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. My hubby said that maybe I was wrong and that maybe everything was actually OK but I told him otherwise. I knew what I had seen on that screen and I knew what I had been feeling deep down in my gut all this time was true... and yet, I couldn't believe it. I was in total shock. I was definitely pregnant again, but this time my ending wasn't going to be a fairytale... it was turning into a nightmare.

"