Without hurting...

I am thrilled to say that I held my great niece today and did it without hurting. Isn't she a beauty?!! When I mentioned this to my niece, she thought I meant physically until I explained further. It was so nice to hold that little one and not feel the pain rise up in my chest like I had experienced so many times before. I think I will always have that "mommy love" for any infant that I hold since it will remind me of the precious times with my own little ones. I think I will also always think about Faith and what she would have looked like and how it would have felt to hold her in my arms. But maybe - just maybe - once and for all, I am past the pain that I had once experienced. The "heart hurt" wasn't there today and I am so thankful for that.I pray I stay in this place. Would you pray for this for me too? It is definitely a better place to be in...
So today - I celebrate new life in my life and I celebrate a new life within myself. To God be glory for both. Without Him, neither are possible.

New life...

Before I go on, I must rejoice for there is new life in my life and I am finally in a place to enjoy it! My friend, Tammy just had her third baby boy, my niece is awaiting the arrival of her first little one, another dear friend is about to have her fourth, and another blogger who I met here on this dashboard is expecting a bundle of joy (after many pregnancy losses) as well. I am happy to say that I can finally feel excitement for these ladies again. In the past, that wasn't possibly for me. Where joy should have been, there was only jealousy, bitterness, and rage. I write this not because I have done anything to attain it, but to tell you that God has done everything to make it possible within me. Praise be to You, Father for these little ones! Praise be to You, Father that I can feel happiness where only sadness lay for so long. Praise you Father that my heart can once again celebrate another's blessing without tremendous pain and despair. You truly are an awesome and amazing God.

Losing Hope - Our story - Part 6

April, 2002
"We were able to retrieve 13 eggs", the voice on the other end of the line said.

Thirteen - although I don't believe in luck, thirteen has always been my "lucky" number.

"They aren't all mature, but there are quite a few good ones. We will do the ICSI procedure and you can come in on day 5 for transfer. We will let you know then how many embryos you have."

Embryos. I never liked that word... it seems like a pitiful excuse of a word to me. The word baby is appropriate and welcome. Calling them anything else is just wrong.

We waited (in tremendous pain, I might add) for 3 days and showed up for the transfer. Out of all thirteen fertilized eggs, only 2 babies remained. I have pictures of them - they were only a tiny clump of magnified cells. Still each a baby to me though. I thought they were beautiful. I was excited, but exhausted and ready for this particular procedure to be finished. It would take 10 days of waiting before I could find out if this indeed was the different cycle I had been praying for.

I remembering lying there on the table after the babies were placed in my womb staring out the window. I felt a strong sense of doom. I began to cry. As I looked at Chris sitting across the room, I felt helpless. I knew he was not at all thrilled with what we had done, but that he had appeased me anyway. I loved him for that, but upset he wasn't more excited. I knew our chances were slim that I would indeed get pregnant or that I would have more than one baby, but I was totally willing to take that chance. The thought of possibly getting pregnant was overwhelming to me and I was extremely anxious to begin the 10 day trek to the dreaded pregnancy test. 9 days, 22 hours and counting...

I don't remember much about that wait. Maybe just that is was excruciating, but I do however, remember the day that I tested. I was still working part-time for the doctor's office and had been there at 7am sharp to have the HCG drawn. We did it STAT and it would take about 3 hours for the results to return to me. My husband was on standby, I am sure bracing himself for what would happen if it was negative. My parents were sitting by the phone. Friends too knew that this day would change my life - either way. I would either get my wish or sink deeper into the pit. I know that result couldn't come any sooner to me and I am sure they felt the same.

The back line rang around 10:15a... I knew this was it. The moment. The lady at the STAT lab was named Gracie and I knew her voice well from the years I had been there.

"I have STAT results for a Brandy Johnson."
For all those years, she never knew that Brandy Johnson was me and I was glad. I would have been embarrassed had she known that every month I was the failure she was reporting on... that every time she called, she was calling to devastate me with the sound of her voice saying that the HCG level, "was less than 2" - yet again. Less than 2 meant not pregnant. Less than 2 meant I was less than a woman.

"OK, I am ready." I said.

"The results are less than 2."

Silence.
I could barely choke back the words "thank you" before I hung up the phone. This time the cycle had been different... not different in the way I had hoped and wished for, but different in that I had just lost 2 precious children. They were with me - alive just 10 days prior and now, they were in me and dead. I couldn't believe it. NEGATIVE - again.

Something in me changed that day and as I look back, I see that my descent into what I call the slimy pit of infertility began to rapidly increase shortly thereafter. I do remember a few things about the rest of that day though...
I remember that my husband brought me flowers to my office before I left for the afternoon... 2 single roses. White - I think.
I remember driving home alone and screaming and sobbing in the car... "why, God?! Why, why, God?" is all I could say.
I remember telling my friend Tammy that is was negative and yelling over and over again, "I just don't understand... why is HE doing this??!!" She didn't know what to say. I wouldn't have either.
I remember praying and crying until I just did not have any tears left. I felt numb. I couldn't believe that after all we had been through, we were right back where we had begun.

But, I must also say that even in the midst of all the sadness, God provided that day as well. (What an awesome God He is.) I did go home and pick up my Bible and began to read scripture. I needed anything from Him that I could get. Any word at this point would do... any peace that He could send my way would be great and He gave me just what I needed. Scripture after scripture came forth - not only to get me through the day, but also to get me through the years to follow. I specifically remember reading 1 Peter 4:12... it says, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." It made me laugh a bit and I needed that. "Don't be surprised" it said -"but rejoice". Rejoice, Lord? How can I rejoice right now? I just lost 2 babies and all the hope that was left inside me.
O, Lord, Teach me how to rejoice in the midst of suffering... and how to have hope again.

I sent an email out to friends and family that afternoon letting them know what had happened. I told them that God had a different plan for us than what we had thought and that we looked forward to seeing what that plan was. I told them that our babies were in Heaven and that God, alone, was enough for us. That He, alone, would sustain us...

As the "dark" years approached, I began to search scripture for new hope. I was drawn to Jeremiah 29:11 which has now become my life verse. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

His plan was in place. Now, as I waited on Him to reveal it, could I live up to my words? Could God, alone, be enough for me if my future didn't include the answered prayer that I so desperately wanted?

My infertility journey had begun years ago, but my spiritual journey had just started. I had suffered already for 31 cycles - not quite 3 years without truly seeking God and HIS plan. It was time to try something different. It was time to start trusting Him and what He had in store for us - no matter the outcome.

My new plan - my new obsession... Our story - Part 5

September ,2001 - March, 2002
When Jace was 4 we moved into a new and bigger home. We told others that we had grown out of the other house, and even though that was very much true, I was also planning for and anticipating an addition to the family at any time. Even though we were no closer to getting pregnant than we were 2 years prior when we had first started trying for a second child, I still had high hopes and much faith that God would answer our prayers. And if He did, more kids meant I needed more space.

We prayed about this particular move A LOT and felt that God gave us the okay to move forward. Just the other day, I was looking back on a bunch of old prayers journals from that year - 2001 - and noticed that I had prayed about this move more so than I remember. Every entry for months asked for His will for our lives, His protection over us from making the wrong decisions, His provision for the right home and new friends nearby, and His wisdom as to how to proceed with it all. I wanted so badly to make sure this move was right- not only for us as a family, but for my son too. We found the right neighborhood for us and within 6 months, we were in our new home which was complete with an extra room just the right size for a nursery. I even set up my son's old crib and changing table in that room thinking it would only be a matter of time before I would be bringing a baby home to fill it.

Shortly after we moved in, I started praying fervently for a couple of specific things. One, where to go from here with our infertility situation (we were now on cycle 26 without any success), and two, for Christian friends for Jace and our family. God was quick in answering one prayer request and the results added tremendous blessing to our lives, but He wasn't so quick in answering the other. As I look back on this prayer time and the answers, or lack there of, that we received, I am in awe (once again - Praise you Father!) of God and His mighty hand in my life. He provided me with a fantastic group of ladies whom I grew very close with, very quickly. They were and are all very special to me, but one in particular was almost like a soul mate to me and her son, was my son's soul mate as well. How much more could I have asked for in provision for our family???!!! He provided in a HUGE way and these friendships that I made helped me tremendously while I suffered with my infertility struggles. As for the other prayer request, I didn't know where we stood in moving forward with trying to have another baby, or as a matter of fact, where He stood on it at all either. I felt like no matter how hard I prayed and no matter how much I asked for an answer, the answer never came. I journaled daily and prayed very hard for guidance. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed and prayed, but still felt I was no where near knowing what God wanted me to do, if anything. I felt like I was just "sitting still" and I did not like the fact that my cycles were passing me by and we were doing nothing more than we had done for over 2 years. I started to grow quite anxious and began approaching my husband (and God) about IVF (in vitro fertilization).

I had heard quite a bit about IVF... from medical journals, patients who had gone through it, from others nurses that I worked with, and doctors around town. I wanted to know all that I could about the procedure so I started to investigate it. I attended seminars (with and without my husband), stayed up late into the wee hours reading about it, searched it on the Internet, and of course, prayed about it. Maybe this was the way to go, I began to think... maybe this IS His answer to our infertility problems. Remember my paper work that read "Refer to IVF clinic" those few short years before? Maybe the answer was right in front of my face all along!!! Maybe God had given me the answer long ago and I just had overlooked it. The only thing I had to do now was convince my husband that this was the right move for us. He had been less than enthusiastic when we had casually discussed it in the months prior, but I knew he knew how much I wanted a baby and I thought that with a little persuasion, he would get on board with the new plan. I thought, I'll pray about this and ask God to help Chris see it my way. I felt truly happy again with the thought of IVF. It had been a while since I had felt that way and I was glad for the break. There had been too much sadness in the years prior...

"OK - we have a plan!! IVF is the way to go!"
With the thought of this, I became so very excited again - just like I did when we first began trying to have a second baby when Jace was just 2. This is pretty simple, I thought... "If we do IVF, then a pregnancy should occur. Just take his sperm and my eggs and fertilize them in a dish - then, put them back in - put my legs up and it will take. I have no reason to think otherwise". My pregnancy with my son was fairly uneventful with the exception of hyperemesis, so this pregnancy would be no different. I studied everything I could about the procedures and the outcomes and brought the info to my husband, hoping for the best.

It was not well received....
I love my husband, but I remember being so mad at him that day. After giving him all the info, he sat there completely silent - just staring at me. There was not one bit of interest or excitement anywhere on his face. After a while, he finally spoke... "That's a lot of money, Brandy", he said. I just sat there - stunned.

Yes, 12k to be exact, but could you put a price on a child, I thought??
Oh my goodness!!!! We can not have a baby and that is all that he can think of! Money?! I was SO MAD! What about my heart that is breaking?! What about my womb and eggs that are growing old? What about our son who has started praying for a baby sister or brother every night without him being asked to? What about the darkness that is starting to take over my life because I can not get past the thought of never having anymore children? What about me? Forget the money!
I could feel the fire raging inside my chest, but I gathered myself and continued on...

"Yes, I know it is, but our way isn't working and we have to do something else! I am desperate, Chris! What do you want us to do?"

"If God wants us to have a baby, then we will have a baby. I think we should just wait on Him.", he said.

I hated him for that. He was right and I knew it, but I didn't want to hear it. I searched for aomething else - another comeback - another reason as to why he didn't share the same vision or the same excitement that I did about trying IVF. Then another thought came to mind... What if he was using God's will as an excuse to avoid spending the 12k? I bet that is it! I convinced myself it was just about the money... not the baby or the procedure - just the cash. I was furious. He was on my list... you know, the bad one. I felt completely crushed. As the conversation continued, I felt myself sink deeper into that place that I earlier referred to as "the pit". On top of the heartache of not having a baby, now my hubby and I were not seeing eye to eye. It was a huge blow.

We didn't come to an understanding or an agreement that day, but did decide to talk more about it in the months to come.

Over the next months, I prayed a lot about it and about my marriage. IVF had become, quite literally, my new obsession. I felt like it was our only hope and I reminded Chris of that daily. As I look back on my journal entries at that time, I see a lot of me telling God what I wanted and not much of me asking God for what He wanted. I should have been praying for HIS WILL - no matter what the outcome was - not just for my desires. I should have been putting my hope IN HIM and not in IVF since I did not have confirmation that it was OK to proceed with the procedure to begin with. I shouldn't have dictated what I wanted Him to do without asking Him what He wanted me to do. All around, I was seeking His OK to MY plan instead of my OK to HIS plan. I wish I would have recognized that earlier, but I know now that it was necessary part of the walk... I didn't have the faith at that point in my life to completely surrender like I should have.

My husband finally agreed to do IVF after many days and weeks of negotiations and arguments. I knew he wasn't 100% on board, but I knew he loved me and would do anything for me. I also knew that when I turned up pregnant with twins BECAUSE of IVF, he would see that my plan had indeed worked just as I had thought...

We were scheduled to begin the IVF procedures in late March of 2002 with the harvesting of eggs and the transfer of embryos set for a few weeks later in April. As the date grew closer, our bank account grew smaller, and I started sensing an uneasiness from my husband. He was distracted, distant, even, but my mind was made up. We would proceed and in 9 months, I would be free of the despair and the heartache that had consumed me for so long. And I couldn't wait.

Cycle 31 was approaching - the IVF cycle we had been preparing for. This one just had to be different, I thought.
Oh, please God, let this one be different...