I think I am starting this blog about 10 years too late... but better late than never, I guess.
Our journey all started one day - a Wednesday to be exact - April 16, 1997 to be more exact - with a phone call. I had just returned back to work from a long lunch with co-workers. It was our "half-day" and our office was closed after noon. As I gathered my things and headed for the door, our back line started to ring... and ring... and ring... and ring. I didn't want to turn back - I was after all leaving for Vegas the next day with my husband and parents, but the phone kept ringing. If I turn around to answer the phone, I could potentially get stuck dealing with a patient who had dared to call after hours. "Just keep going", I thought, but something told me to stop and pick that phone up.
"This is Mary at the lab. I have test results for patient, Brandy Johnson. Can I fax them over?". Wow... that was fast. Little did the voice on the other end of the line know that the patient was me. My husband and I had never used birth control since our wedding night and although we weren't trying to conceive, I was a little worried that after 16 months of not caring, there had been no "oops". As a nurse in a OB/GYN/Infertility office, I had seen it all. My days were consumed with pregnant bellies, newborn babies, and unfortunately a large number of ladies who had tried for years to conceive without success. Surely, that could not and would not be me. The ONLY thing I ever wanted to do in life besides being a wife, was to be a mommy. It was my greatest dream and I was ready to start on this new journey into motherhood!
"Sure send them over... uh, are there any problems?"
"Well, there are some abnormalities - I will fax them over to you. If you have any questions, give me call."
I dropped everything and ran upstairs. My heart was pounding. Abnormalities? What kind of abnormalities? Surely, everything is OK. This is my dream!! This can not happen! The 2 minutes it took to receive the fax seemed like a lifetime. Finally, the machine beeped and it was on it's way.
The paper was full of numbers and had TONS of red arrows on it. You know the ones I am talking about, the ones that a professor would put onto your paper in college to alert you of all that was horribly wrong or incorrect. That was my paper - my results - full of abnormal red arrows! My heart sank. All nursing knowledge that I possessed flew out the window... "what does this mean and what can we do to fix it?????", I thought.
I didn't waste any time. I promptly called the nurse back and explained that the patient was me. I told her that the doctor I worked for was already gone for the day and that I needed someone to explain the results to me. I remember her voice. I remember that she seemed like was such a sweet lady. She walked me through it all, step by step, line by line. She was cautious with her words, yet honest about the problems that we faced. After about a 5 minute conversation, I asked "what is the bottom line?". She then uttered the words that I will never forget...
"You will probably never get pregnant on your own, no matter what you do. You might try IVF (in vitro fertilization) but I don't even know that it will work. Maybe ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) will work, but there are no guarantees."
What? I felt my legs give way... my heart sinking in my chest. My dream was over - just like that - and with a stupid phone call that ruined my vacation, none the less. What was happening and how was I going to tell my precious husband this? How could I look at him and tell him that we could potentially never have children?
I don't remember the ride home, but I do remember how I felt walking in the door knowing that I would have utter the words "we can't have kids". What a failure. What a wasted life. What a slap in the face. What would we do if we couldn't conceive and build a family just as I had envisioned in my mind? When I told my hubby about the phone call, he reacted just as I knew he would - with support and without concern.
"Doctors!", he said. "They don't know anything - only God knows what will happen. It only takes one sperm and one egg. I am not worried - you shouldn't be either. Let's not think about it... and let's have a good trip."
Yeah - right.
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