On Tuesday, I was celebrating... or mourning... or thinking about (how do you really describe that?) the unfortunate death of our last baby. She had passed in utero one year before. As I said in the last posting, the books all say that the actual day is anti-climatic and I must say that it was... until about 2:30p.
The door bell rang and I peered through the peep hole. It was a Fed EX guy (dirty dogs as my UPS employed husband would call them) who was standing there with a box. Wow - what a perfect day for my books to come, I thought. The week prior, I had ordered two books that I thought my little heart needed. Grieving the Child I Never Knew and I'll Hold You in Heaven. What timing, I thought. I may need these today.
But when I opened the door, the box was much too large to be holding any books. I signed the paper for the dirty dog and took the box in. As I opened it, I started to feel quite emotional ... I think it was because I knew deep down what was in the box and who they were from. Tears started to flow...
Inside were my favorite flowers... Gerber Daisies. Red, Orange, Yellow, and White. They were beautiful. I quickly tore open the envelope and skimmed it for the name. There it was... the friend's name I expected to see... just as I had thought.
The card read:
"Dear Brandy,
Something to cheer you up today as we remember sweet baby Faith. Although your heart is heavy, I am hopeful you will find celebration in the miraculous life you created. Love you..."
Have you ever had a friend like that? One who remembers not only all the good days, but the bad ones too? I know I am not good with dates so her fantastic memory astonishes me. Like I said, I knew before I opened the box who it was from... she is just one of those people... she has a special way about her. If I were to get a singing telegram at my doorstep, I would know her name would be sung at the end of the song before they even finished. She is the one who gave all my showers, has come to see me every time I was ever in the hospital, who calls my children on their birthdays, and who always sends the best cards - no matter the occasion. She is always remembering me, in all I do, and I felt happy that someone remembered Faith on her day too. Faith did exist - she was important - I do miss that baby and my sweet friend acknowledged my emotions in one sweet card and a bundle of flowers. Thank you, precious friend - you know who you are.
What I am getting at is this...
In the midst of what could have been a potentially, horribly, sad day with me sitting in a daze in front of Faith's grave sight, God sent a ray of sunshine my way. He reminded me that I am EXTREMELY blessed in this life. That even though sad times come (and go), I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for great friends, thankful for wonderful family, thankful for the most precious hubby on earth, thankful for 2 beautiful children who are alive, healthy, and need my full attention, and thankful for my little ones who are already in Heaven waiting for me to come and hold them.
Things that happen in this life are temporary... we are made for a much bigger and better place. A place where there is no death and no tears. Where only happiness lingers. I am thankful for that place where one day I will get to meet my little ones... and our Maker. I am thankful to a God who loves me and my family so very much. And I am thankful to God for this important and much needed reminder that He brought to me last Tuesday...
I pray I never forget it.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen in eternal."
My precious and magnificent blessings...
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Today is the day...
Today is the day...
August 14th, 2007 - the one year anniversary of baby Faith's death. Actually, the one year anniversary of the day she went Home to be with the Father.
So far, so good... I am not too weepy. Yet.
I read in a book the other day that the build up to a day like this is the most horrible part. You dread it... loathe it, even. But that once there, it is fairly anti-climatic. I hope that is the case.
She would have been about 5 months old... I wonder if she would have been the red-head I thought I would have had. She probably would be learning to sit up right about now, but I have a feeling that I know what she is doing. Rocking in the arms of Jesus... He does have a rocking chair, you know. There is no better place for her to be. In the midst of sadness, I have to rejoice in that one very precious thing.
I refuse to completely mourn today. I may have tears and that is okay, but I will choose to celebrate instead. I did have her for a brief time when we are promised no time at all. That was a gift. Her soul was purposed, she meant something to us, she was here, but now gone... only to be held now by her Creator. I am sad that my arms never got to hold her or rock her to sleep while singing Jesus Loves Me, but I take solace in knowing that there are no better arms for her to be in - not even mine. She knows first hand that Jesus loves her. How sweet and precious that thought is to me.
I Love you, Faith... and we won't forget.
From Mommy
August 14th, 2007 - the one year anniversary of baby Faith's death. Actually, the one year anniversary of the day she went Home to be with the Father.
So far, so good... I am not too weepy. Yet.
I read in a book the other day that the build up to a day like this is the most horrible part. You dread it... loathe it, even. But that once there, it is fairly anti-climatic. I hope that is the case.
She would have been about 5 months old... I wonder if she would have been the red-head I thought I would have had. She probably would be learning to sit up right about now, but I have a feeling that I know what she is doing. Rocking in the arms of Jesus... He does have a rocking chair, you know. There is no better place for her to be. In the midst of sadness, I have to rejoice in that one very precious thing.
I refuse to completely mourn today. I may have tears and that is okay, but I will choose to celebrate instead. I did have her for a brief time when we are promised no time at all. That was a gift. Her soul was purposed, she meant something to us, she was here, but now gone... only to be held now by her Creator. I am sad that my arms never got to hold her or rock her to sleep while singing Jesus Loves Me, but I take solace in knowing that there are no better arms for her to be in - not even mine. She knows first hand that Jesus loves her. How sweet and precious that thought is to me.
I Love you, Faith... and we won't forget.
From Mommy
Monday, August 13, 2007
One summer night... Our story - Part 4
Luke 17:24- "For the Son of Man in His day will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to another."
June, 2000
I feel like I have always known God. Even as a little girl. I remember being baptized as an 8 year old in front of our entire congregation. Even at the young age of 8, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that He existed and existed in a big way.
Growing up I was at church every Sunday. I prayed every night and attended youth group weekly. I was active in my Sunday School class, attended Dawson McAllister conferences (going up every year to "re-dedicate" my life), and was nicknamed "Jesus Freak" by friends my freshman year in high school. In my junior and senior year of high school I dabbled a bit, as teenagers do, with the uglier side of sin, but I never dabbled enough to hinder my faith. I continued believing in God, but I was not walking with Him.
As a young woman, I lived a double life. On Friday nights I was in the clubs and on Sunday mornings, I was at church worshipping. "At least I am here" I would think to myself sitting in the pew dressed in my Sunday best, but I owed my Lord so much more and I knew it.
After I got married and while I was working at the doctor's office, I met a lady who would change my spiritual life forever. She was the absolute epitome of what I thought a Christian should be and in my opinion, the most humble person I had ever met. She always had a smile on her face and if you asked her why, she would say it was because of Jesus. She had suffered a great deal in her life - things that most people would have never been able to handle - but it didn't matter. Not one bit. God was good and she told everyone that very thing no matter what was going on in her life.
I began to long for the God that she spoke of. Did I know this God? Really know Him? I certainly did not know Him like she did. I had a deep and powerful desire to learn more about Him and fast! The thirst that I had at that time was insatiable and I began to study like I had never before.
I did Bible studies during lunch with co-workers at my office. I got up each morning at 5:30a to have one on one time with God. I did Bible studies on the days that I was home with my son throughout his entire nap time. I prayed a lot and began to journal. I started to change my behavior in and out of the presence of others. I cleaned up my mouth and changed what I watched on TV. I wanted to please God and I wanted my life to reflect the change that had taken place in me through Him.
He showed me so much during this period in my life. For the first time, I really felt I like I got to know this God that my friend at work had been singing the praises of. I didn't just know OF Him anymore... I was beginning to KNOW HIM and it felt good.
We had been trying for a second baby for a little over 18 months, when I had something happen to me that I will never forget...
It was a HOT summer day - a Saturday to be exact in the year 2000. Things just seemed to be "coming to a head" in my life and I was not coping well - even with all the studying and praying that I was doing. I had recently had a false positive pregnancy test and I was still reeling because of it. I was very emotional - I was grieving a baby that never really was there. It was the strangest emotion - a new one for me and I didn't know how to get a hold of it. That day in particular, my 3 1/2 year old had been slightly out of control. OK, let's get real - not slightly out of control - totally out of control. Everything seemed to be magnified that day... things that would normally not have affected me, seemed to be too much to handle. The afternoon ended with my son throwing my brand new cell phone off a friend's boat and into Lake Travis. "Great", I thought. It was just what I needed to send me over the edge.
We got home, put our little one to bed, and I then informed my husband that I needed to be alone for a while. I felt so agitated and needed to unwind a bit. I went outside and wondered around in the front yard before settling into a lawn chair on the driveway. It was dark out - well after 10pm - and all my neighbors were inside their homes so I felt safe to let loose and let God know what I was feeling...
"What am I going to do, God? I can not handle anything right now. Please help me. Please help my son. He is out of control. Or maybe he is just 3 - either way - help me! I feel as though I am not being a good parent to him - I can not handle his temper tantrums without getting upset. What kind of mom am I? No wonder you won't give me another one - I can't handle the one I have!! And while we are on that subject, why can't I have another one??? Tell me, God! What did I do to deserve this?"
I started to sob...
I placed my face in my hands and continued....
"Please God, help me. Please God, free me of this. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby". I said it over and over and over again.
There was nothing... not a stirring in my heart... not a quiet voice telling me what to do. Absolutely nothing. I felt nothing.
"Do you hear me, God?"... I was getting loud about then. "Do you hear me? If you hear me God, give me a sign! Do SOMETHING! Let me know you hear me!!!!"
Again, nothing.
The tears streamed down my face...
"Let me know you are here.", I said softly.
I had no energy left. It was all I could think of to say.
But right then, I looked up and I saw it...
There was a bright light in the sky out of the corner of my left eye. It was huge! Absolutely HUGE! Not like a star, not like a plane. It was something completely different. Something I have never, ever seen before. It started across the sky and looked like it was on fire. It didn't appear quickly like a falling star would, and then fade away - it stayed white and bright for a very long time lighting up the entire sky above me. I fixed my eyes on it and found it hard to breathe. It felt like time was standing still. It crossed the entire sky above me, never losing it's brightness or it's greatness. I was frozen, once again, and in complete awe. Once it finished and disappeared, I couldn't move. I sat there for the longest time completely silent. I was almost scared to get up. He had appeared once again, just as I asked and right in the nick of time. I asked Him to show up for me and He did. First, an angel and now this? How could I be so blessed...
I finally ran inside and told my husband what had happened. I could not contain my excitement! I think he thought I was nuts! I had been in the presence of God and my heart felt something that it had never quite felt before. I didn't know how to explain it and still don't. It is way different than the awesome and overpowering feeling of being in love... different than the feeling of excitement... different from the feeling of peace. And it is better than all of those wonderful feelings put together. He had heard my cry and had answered just as I asked. What a wonderful God He was.
Now, would He answer me in another way? In the way that I wanted most? I didn't know and for that moment, I didn't care. I had heard from God once again and I was totally at peace, if not but only for one, hot summer night...
June, 2000
I feel like I have always known God. Even as a little girl. I remember being baptized as an 8 year old in front of our entire congregation. Even at the young age of 8, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that He existed and existed in a big way.
Growing up I was at church every Sunday. I prayed every night and attended youth group weekly. I was active in my Sunday School class, attended Dawson McAllister conferences (going up every year to "re-dedicate" my life), and was nicknamed "Jesus Freak" by friends my freshman year in high school. In my junior and senior year of high school I dabbled a bit, as teenagers do, with the uglier side of sin, but I never dabbled enough to hinder my faith. I continued believing in God, but I was not walking with Him.
As a young woman, I lived a double life. On Friday nights I was in the clubs and on Sunday mornings, I was at church worshipping. "At least I am here" I would think to myself sitting in the pew dressed in my Sunday best, but I owed my Lord so much more and I knew it.
After I got married and while I was working at the doctor's office, I met a lady who would change my spiritual life forever. She was the absolute epitome of what I thought a Christian should be and in my opinion, the most humble person I had ever met. She always had a smile on her face and if you asked her why, she would say it was because of Jesus. She had suffered a great deal in her life - things that most people would have never been able to handle - but it didn't matter. Not one bit. God was good and she told everyone that very thing no matter what was going on in her life.
I began to long for the God that she spoke of. Did I know this God? Really know Him? I certainly did not know Him like she did. I had a deep and powerful desire to learn more about Him and fast! The thirst that I had at that time was insatiable and I began to study like I had never before.
I did Bible studies during lunch with co-workers at my office. I got up each morning at 5:30a to have one on one time with God. I did Bible studies on the days that I was home with my son throughout his entire nap time. I prayed a lot and began to journal. I started to change my behavior in and out of the presence of others. I cleaned up my mouth and changed what I watched on TV. I wanted to please God and I wanted my life to reflect the change that had taken place in me through Him.
He showed me so much during this period in my life. For the first time, I really felt I like I got to know this God that my friend at work had been singing the praises of. I didn't just know OF Him anymore... I was beginning to KNOW HIM and it felt good.
We had been trying for a second baby for a little over 18 months, when I had something happen to me that I will never forget...
It was a HOT summer day - a Saturday to be exact in the year 2000. Things just seemed to be "coming to a head" in my life and I was not coping well - even with all the studying and praying that I was doing. I had recently had a false positive pregnancy test and I was still reeling because of it. I was very emotional - I was grieving a baby that never really was there. It was the strangest emotion - a new one for me and I didn't know how to get a hold of it. That day in particular, my 3 1/2 year old had been slightly out of control. OK, let's get real - not slightly out of control - totally out of control. Everything seemed to be magnified that day... things that would normally not have affected me, seemed to be too much to handle. The afternoon ended with my son throwing my brand new cell phone off a friend's boat and into Lake Travis. "Great", I thought. It was just what I needed to send me over the edge.
We got home, put our little one to bed, and I then informed my husband that I needed to be alone for a while. I felt so agitated and needed to unwind a bit. I went outside and wondered around in the front yard before settling into a lawn chair on the driveway. It was dark out - well after 10pm - and all my neighbors were inside their homes so I felt safe to let loose and let God know what I was feeling...
"What am I going to do, God? I can not handle anything right now. Please help me. Please help my son. He is out of control. Or maybe he is just 3 - either way - help me! I feel as though I am not being a good parent to him - I can not handle his temper tantrums without getting upset. What kind of mom am I? No wonder you won't give me another one - I can't handle the one I have!! And while we are on that subject, why can't I have another one??? Tell me, God! What did I do to deserve this?"
I started to sob...
I placed my face in my hands and continued....
"Please God, help me. Please God, free me of this. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby. Please God, give me a baby". I said it over and over and over again.
There was nothing... not a stirring in my heart... not a quiet voice telling me what to do. Absolutely nothing. I felt nothing.
"Do you hear me, God?"... I was getting loud about then. "Do you hear me? If you hear me God, give me a sign! Do SOMETHING! Let me know you hear me!!!!"
Again, nothing.
The tears streamed down my face...
"Let me know you are here.", I said softly.
I had no energy left. It was all I could think of to say.
But right then, I looked up and I saw it...
There was a bright light in the sky out of the corner of my left eye. It was huge! Absolutely HUGE! Not like a star, not like a plane. It was something completely different. Something I have never, ever seen before. It started across the sky and looked like it was on fire. It didn't appear quickly like a falling star would, and then fade away - it stayed white and bright for a very long time lighting up the entire sky above me. I fixed my eyes on it and found it hard to breathe. It felt like time was standing still. It crossed the entire sky above me, never losing it's brightness or it's greatness. I was frozen, once again, and in complete awe. Once it finished and disappeared, I couldn't move. I sat there for the longest time completely silent. I was almost scared to get up. He had appeared once again, just as I asked and right in the nick of time. I asked Him to show up for me and He did. First, an angel and now this? How could I be so blessed...
I finally ran inside and told my husband what had happened. I could not contain my excitement! I think he thought I was nuts! I had been in the presence of God and my heart felt something that it had never quite felt before. I didn't know how to explain it and still don't. It is way different than the awesome and overpowering feeling of being in love... different than the feeling of excitement... different from the feeling of peace. And it is better than all of those wonderful feelings put together. He had heard my cry and had answered just as I asked. What a wonderful God He was.
Now, would He answer me in another way? In the way that I wanted most? I didn't know and for that moment, I didn't care. I had heard from God once again and I was totally at peace, if not but only for one, hot summer night...
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I know what you are thinking... Our story - Part 3
October, 1999 - May, 2000
I know what you are thinking... and it is okay.
In your head you are saying to yourself, "This lady didn't suffer with infertility! Who does she think she is?! Her blessing came before she has a chance to suffer like I do!"
You are right for thinking it and okay for saying it. But my journey was just starting... it didn't truly begin until a few years later...
I only began my descent into the slimy pit of infertility for a few days before I was abruptly pulled out by the shocking news that we were expecting. Now, I was a mother just as I had hoped and I was so happy to be one. My son was the funniest kid I had ever met (and still is) even at the age of 2. He loved to snuggle with his mommy and read books and play with Thomas the Train. He spoke with an accent like he had been born in Boston and he had a this great high pitched squeal that came out when he laughed. He carried a Pooh pacifier around longer than he should have, took naps with me on our couch while I watched A Baby Story, and gave my hubby and I all the joy that a little one should. Even during these precious years with him, I continued to dream of more kids and the big family I had always longed for. I was thankful for my miracle, but I wanted more of this good thing that they called motherhood. I always knew I would want a lot of children... but I didn't realize that I would want them so soon after having Jace. The nagging desire for more kids was at times all too consuming. I thought about the journey that I had almost taken before I found out I was pregnant and along with those thoughts came the beginnings of such great fear. Would we be able to have more? Surely, it would be just as easy as it was the first time around. God has blessed me once and I felt it deep down that He would do it again.
My hubby and I started really talking about having more kids when Jace was about 2. I QUICKLY got off my pill that I had been on and we then decided to move forward with trying. I convinced my husband that we should skip the normal method of getting pregnant and should proceed straight to a procedure called IUI. In my mind I thought this jump would ensure us a pregnancy - "within 6 months" I told him. Wishful thinking yet again. The months came and went... over the next year I took multiple cycles of Clomid, cut out all caffeine, started taking prenatals again, used progesterone, and watched what I ate. My hubby also tried to watch a few things in hopes that it would help. I monitored my follicles at work, did ovulation kits, and took HCG injections to ensure that my egg was plump, ripe and ready for the taking. After only 3 months of IUI's, my hope once again had been stolen. I could tell that my hubby was skeptical that any of this would increase our chances in all reality and what little savings we had, was quickly being drained. It was starting to take a toll and we had only been trying for 90 days! We began to ponder the next step...
When we were first married, I always thought that I had a deeper faith than my husband - don't ask me why. Maybe it was because I was so open with others about what I believed when he, in turn, would be more private about his intimate moments with God. So imagine my dismay when he said to me that he didn't think we should try any procedures for a while. He also said that if God wanted us to have any other children, that He would give us the blessing in His timing. Well, I must say that I didn't like that at all. Not one bit. First off, I admit I probably didn't like it because I knew he was right and secondly, I didn't like it because that took the control out of my hands completely and placed it solely in God's. I hated it when my hubby was right and when I was SO wrong. I also did not like feeling out of control.
In the months to come, I prayed and prayed... I did Bible study after Bible study... I begged over and over for God to give us another baby. I tried to be "the best person I could be" - surely that would make Him bless me again. I obsessed with my cycles and spent 2 weeks out of every month thinking of what color I would do the nursery and how big my belly would get. I even made myself feel pregnant some cycles just to be let down when another pregnancy test proved me wrong. I constantly thought to myself - every month that came my way - that this just had to be the month.
But when those times came and when every month the test was negative, I died a little inside each time. I started to descend into that place that I referred to (and still do) as the pit. It was a horrible place and I hated myself in it. It was a place of sadness, brokenness and despair. Terrible anguish is found there. A dark place where Satan waited for me everyday and everyday, I unfortunately showed up. A place where I would be tested - to my limits - over and over again. A place where I allowed jealousy, anger, bitterness, and envy to take over what was left of my heart. A place where my focus would be stolen from this precious little boy - this miracle in front of me and displaced to where an infertile woman lives. A place where I would sob in private so that no one would see the depths of my pain. I didn't feel as though anyone could understand. No one that was close to me was going through the same thing as I. If I told them how I felt, would they see me as the ungrateful and broken person I was?
18 months had passed and I was still not pregnant.
What now?
What in the world do we do now?
I was growing anxious with each passing month and I could feel myself grow more bitter and more cold. I must say that I never gave up on God nor turned my back on Him because I knew He was a gracious God... He had shown me that. I knew He must have a good reason for what He was doing, but deep down, I was so mad at Him for putting me in this place that I could not see straight. I tried to conceal my emotions and replace those feelings with thankful prayers, but He knew better. He saw right through those empty words and straight into my ugly heart. I wanted to be honest with Him about how I felt, but I feared He would not bless me if I did. What a fool I was. Unfortunately and to my further demise, it took me another 2 years of trying before I finally came clean with Him... before I dropped to my knees in desperation and poured out my real heart at the feet of Jesus. What I found there was wonderful but that is for another entry. All I can say is that I should have done it sooner because the years to come were the darkest of my life...
I know what you are thinking... and it is okay.
In your head you are saying to yourself, "This lady didn't suffer with infertility! Who does she think she is?! Her blessing came before she has a chance to suffer like I do!"
You are right for thinking it and okay for saying it. But my journey was just starting... it didn't truly begin until a few years later...
I only began my descent into the slimy pit of infertility for a few days before I was abruptly pulled out by the shocking news that we were expecting. Now, I was a mother just as I had hoped and I was so happy to be one. My son was the funniest kid I had ever met (and still is) even at the age of 2. He loved to snuggle with his mommy and read books and play with Thomas the Train. He spoke with an accent like he had been born in Boston and he had a this great high pitched squeal that came out when he laughed. He carried a Pooh pacifier around longer than he should have, took naps with me on our couch while I watched A Baby Story, and gave my hubby and I all the joy that a little one should. Even during these precious years with him, I continued to dream of more kids and the big family I had always longed for. I was thankful for my miracle, but I wanted more of this good thing that they called motherhood. I always knew I would want a lot of children... but I didn't realize that I would want them so soon after having Jace. The nagging desire for more kids was at times all too consuming. I thought about the journey that I had almost taken before I found out I was pregnant and along with those thoughts came the beginnings of such great fear. Would we be able to have more? Surely, it would be just as easy as it was the first time around. God has blessed me once and I felt it deep down that He would do it again.
My hubby and I started really talking about having more kids when Jace was about 2. I QUICKLY got off my pill that I had been on and we then decided to move forward with trying. I convinced my husband that we should skip the normal method of getting pregnant and should proceed straight to a procedure called IUI. In my mind I thought this jump would ensure us a pregnancy - "within 6 months" I told him. Wishful thinking yet again. The months came and went... over the next year I took multiple cycles of Clomid, cut out all caffeine, started taking prenatals again, used progesterone, and watched what I ate. My hubby also tried to watch a few things in hopes that it would help. I monitored my follicles at work, did ovulation kits, and took HCG injections to ensure that my egg was plump, ripe and ready for the taking. After only 3 months of IUI's, my hope once again had been stolen. I could tell that my hubby was skeptical that any of this would increase our chances in all reality and what little savings we had, was quickly being drained. It was starting to take a toll and we had only been trying for 90 days! We began to ponder the next step...
When we were first married, I always thought that I had a deeper faith than my husband - don't ask me why. Maybe it was because I was so open with others about what I believed when he, in turn, would be more private about his intimate moments with God. So imagine my dismay when he said to me that he didn't think we should try any procedures for a while. He also said that if God wanted us to have any other children, that He would give us the blessing in His timing. Well, I must say that I didn't like that at all. Not one bit. First off, I admit I probably didn't like it because I knew he was right and secondly, I didn't like it because that took the control out of my hands completely and placed it solely in God's. I hated it when my hubby was right and when I was SO wrong. I also did not like feeling out of control.
In the months to come, I prayed and prayed... I did Bible study after Bible study... I begged over and over for God to give us another baby. I tried to be "the best person I could be" - surely that would make Him bless me again. I obsessed with my cycles and spent 2 weeks out of every month thinking of what color I would do the nursery and how big my belly would get. I even made myself feel pregnant some cycles just to be let down when another pregnancy test proved me wrong. I constantly thought to myself - every month that came my way - that this just had to be the month.
But when those times came and when every month the test was negative, I died a little inside each time. I started to descend into that place that I referred to (and still do) as the pit. It was a horrible place and I hated myself in it. It was a place of sadness, brokenness and despair. Terrible anguish is found there. A dark place where Satan waited for me everyday and everyday, I unfortunately showed up. A place where I would be tested - to my limits - over and over again. A place where I allowed jealousy, anger, bitterness, and envy to take over what was left of my heart. A place where my focus would be stolen from this precious little boy - this miracle in front of me and displaced to where an infertile woman lives. A place where I would sob in private so that no one would see the depths of my pain. I didn't feel as though anyone could understand. No one that was close to me was going through the same thing as I. If I told them how I felt, would they see me as the ungrateful and broken person I was?
18 months had passed and I was still not pregnant.
What now?
What in the world do we do now?
I was growing anxious with each passing month and I could feel myself grow more bitter and more cold. I must say that I never gave up on God nor turned my back on Him because I knew He was a gracious God... He had shown me that. I knew He must have a good reason for what He was doing, but deep down, I was so mad at Him for putting me in this place that I could not see straight. I tried to conceal my emotions and replace those feelings with thankful prayers, but He knew better. He saw right through those empty words and straight into my ugly heart. I wanted to be honest with Him about how I felt, but I feared He would not bless me if I did. What a fool I was. Unfortunately and to my further demise, it took me another 2 years of trying before I finally came clean with Him... before I dropped to my knees in desperation and poured out my real heart at the feet of Jesus. What I found there was wonderful but that is for another entry. All I can say is that I should have done it sooner because the years to come were the darkest of my life...
An angel in Las Vegas? Our story - Part 2
April, 1997
As we sat on the plane, my hubby could tell my mind was elsewhere. So could my mom. She seemed to look at me across the aisle with such sadness in her eyes. Not sadness from the results per say, but sadness for me, that I was having to embark on this new journey. Even my dad tried to cheer me up... they all said not to worry over it right now. Enjoy the vacation and once home, we would revisit the topic again.
I tried. I tried really hard. I didn't want to ruin the trip. I didn't mention it once we got there... I spent the first day equipped with a fake smile and a dragging spirit. To me, my life had changed completely and now all of a sudden, my focus went from being a new wife and having a good time to watching every child that passed me by, wondering if I would ever get to be a mom. I slept well that night (even with the snoring going on in the room) and I got up the next morning rested and ready to try not to think on it anymore.
We had a normal morning in Vegas. Up early, dressed, off to the breakfast buffet, and then on to the slots. It was a relatively early morning for us though. We were up by 7a and at the slots at Treasure Island by 8:30a. I remember that it was like a ghost town in that place - not a soul in sight. A few people scattered around, but nothing like the night life in Vegas. I moved from slot to slot trying to find the one I wanted to play. My mother had acquired a nasty sinus infection overnight and was at the hotel resting. My father and my husband had left me for a more interesting section of the casino and I was left alone to ponder my fate, once again. "I am not going to think about it", I thought. Let's play some video poker... that will make me feel better.
I wondered around and finally sat down at a machine that was right in the main aisle way of the hotel. I put in 2 quarters and got nothing. "That figures", I thought. That was just the way my life was going. I grabbed another 2 quarters out of the bucket and threw them in, not even looking at the machine. I played the hand and glanced up looking for my hubby when the entire machine started to light up and the siren started to scream at me. You would have thought that I had won the lottery. I looked down and it was flashing 800 quarters. "800 quarters... how much is that?" My brain wasn't working. I looked around for my husband and father, proud of what I had just done. I might not be able to conceive, but I can play some video poker!! I guess they heard the noise because they came around the corner to see me waving them over. Of course, they both sat down next to me to play their own machines... never mind my jackpot of $200 - they wanted one of their own.
In the midst of waiting for the machine to pay me my due, it ran out of quarters. Great - just what I needed. Now I had to wait for someone to come over and pay me the rest. I turned on the light signaling that I needed help, but no one came. Like I said - it was dead in that place. Not an attendant in sight. I sat and sat as the two men in my life played on either side on me (with no luck I might add). Then, a few minutes later, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder...
I turned expecting an attendant and instead saw a middle-aged man with a walker. He had dark hair, pale skin, was dressed in slacks and a polyester shirt, and had a sweet softness to his eyes. He smiled at me. I smiled back.
"Yes sir?", I asked, not sure who he was or what he wanted with me.
"I saw what happened" he said as he smiled.
"Um, yes sir.", I said.
We stared at each other for a while and after he said nothing else, I turned around and stared at my machine. I felt weird. Not scared really, just weird. I could sense my hubby looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Then, I felt his soft tap once again. I turned around...
"Yes, sir?", I said again.
"Are you two married?", He said as he pointed to my husband and myself.
"Um, yes sir, we are.", I said with a smile. He just stared at me with those soft eyes and that sweet grin. Once again, I turned around, not knowing what to say or what to do. This time, I could see my dad eyeing him as only a dad could do. I wanted to say "it's OK", but didn't. I was frozen.
Once again, I felt the tapping of his fingers and I turned around once more.
"Do you have children?", he asked.
Now, what exactly is this all about?! Hadn't I tortured myself enough in the last few days and now that I was trying not to focus on the news we received back home, here is some stranger bringing it all up again! I felt my stomach sink. I looked at him and annoyingly said, "No, we do not."
I turned around to look at the machine and felt him come closer. My heart was racing. I was mad and scared and mystified all at the same time. He gently touched my shoulder, leaned down by my ear and simply said...
"Keep trying.".
I couldn't move. I couldn't look at him or ask him why he said that. I couldn't look at my husband or my father. I couldn't do anything except focus on the words that had he just uttered... "keep trying". I felt a rush go through my body. I had goose bumps and the hair on my arms stood up on end. I can't explain it really, I just know that at that moment, I knew I was not in the presence of an ordinary old man. I finally turned to see him walking away. I looked at my husband and he said, "I know what you are thinking...". "Do you?", I thought. I turned and looked again... the man was gone. Not a trace of him.
My dad was speechless. My husband just smiled and shook his head. I sat there not sure what to do. Could this have been a messenger of some sort? Could God, the One that I worshipped only on Sundays and hadn't yet invited into my home, my marriage, nor fully into my heart, be giving me a message of hope?
I left my winnings and both guys there at the machines and ran up to my mom's room. I told her the story as quickly as I could. "What do you think?", I said.
"I think you just met your angel.", she said.
I think she was right. A bit of hope brewed within my soul. Could there be a family in my future after all?
We flew back a few days later and I arrived on Monday to work. While looking at the calendar I noticed that I was a day late on my period, but that was nothing new. I had been so irregular all of my life, that being late a few days - even a few weeks late at times wasn't a big deal. I always did a pregnancy test (I guess it was wishful thinking) and had yet to see that "plus" sign that I so desperately desired. I remembered that before we left for our trip, I had placed the results from our tests on the doctor's desk for his opinion and further instruction. I quickly ran into the bathroom and did a pregnancy test before running over to see what he had to say. I placed the test down on the counter in our lab and went to my station. Once there, I saw my paper - you know, that one that had ruined my life - laying there with the words "Refer to IVF clinic" on it. There was that pit again. No trying on our own - no, nothing... just IVF? How could we afford that at this point in your lives? That glimmer of hope that I received while in Vegas was now officially gone again. I went on to work, shuffling patients around and answering phone calls. I couldn't think about it now, I had too much to do.
About an hour had passed when I stumbled onto that pregnancy test that I had forgot about in the lab. I hesitantly peered over it from afar to see the "minus" sign that I always saw every month and had decided that once I saw it, I would quickly throw it in the trash so no one would see my shame. But, in that very moment, on April 21, 1997, my life changed yet again. Where there had always been a minus sign, there was a beautiful and perfect plus sign. Pregnant? "No way", I thought. For a moment, I felt as though I was in a dream, but I wasn't. Only 5 days after being told that we would never conceive on our own and only 3 days after being "touched by an angel", I was indeed pregnant. God had performed His first visible miracle in my life. I was a mommy right at that very moment and with my legs shaking and mascara running down my face, I sat still in the presence of God, totally at peace... I was so very thankful for my perfect little surprise.
Those words from my hubby, "What do doctors know?!", rang through my head over and over. He was right. They knew nothing of what God could do even in a barren womb like mine. I was in love and in awe of this God I thought I knew before but had just now seemed to get to know on an intimate level. I had a new understanding of the word grace and I felt like I had had a glimpse into the heart of God. An Almighty God who would communicate with little ol' me even in the city of sin. A God who cared so much about my pain and the hurt I felt, that he graciously placed a precious miracle baby in my belly before I had even started down the road of infertility. What a God He is.
Jace Christian was born on a Wednesday - December 17th, 1997. Exactly 8 months to the day of that life-changing phone call. The doctors must have been wrong. We had delivered a perfect, olive skinned, brown eyed, red lipped little baby boy... what a miracle he was. We were OK and we had conceived on our own. I couldn't wait to have more! They must have made a mistake with those tests they ran because I was, at last, a mommy.
As we sat on the plane, my hubby could tell my mind was elsewhere. So could my mom. She seemed to look at me across the aisle with such sadness in her eyes. Not sadness from the results per say, but sadness for me, that I was having to embark on this new journey. Even my dad tried to cheer me up... they all said not to worry over it right now. Enjoy the vacation and once home, we would revisit the topic again.
I tried. I tried really hard. I didn't want to ruin the trip. I didn't mention it once we got there... I spent the first day equipped with a fake smile and a dragging spirit. To me, my life had changed completely and now all of a sudden, my focus went from being a new wife and having a good time to watching every child that passed me by, wondering if I would ever get to be a mom. I slept well that night (even with the snoring going on in the room) and I got up the next morning rested and ready to try not to think on it anymore.
We had a normal morning in Vegas. Up early, dressed, off to the breakfast buffet, and then on to the slots. It was a relatively early morning for us though. We were up by 7a and at the slots at Treasure Island by 8:30a. I remember that it was like a ghost town in that place - not a soul in sight. A few people scattered around, but nothing like the night life in Vegas. I moved from slot to slot trying to find the one I wanted to play. My mother had acquired a nasty sinus infection overnight and was at the hotel resting. My father and my husband had left me for a more interesting section of the casino and I was left alone to ponder my fate, once again. "I am not going to think about it", I thought. Let's play some video poker... that will make me feel better.
I wondered around and finally sat down at a machine that was right in the main aisle way of the hotel. I put in 2 quarters and got nothing. "That figures", I thought. That was just the way my life was going. I grabbed another 2 quarters out of the bucket and threw them in, not even looking at the machine. I played the hand and glanced up looking for my hubby when the entire machine started to light up and the siren started to scream at me. You would have thought that I had won the lottery. I looked down and it was flashing 800 quarters. "800 quarters... how much is that?" My brain wasn't working. I looked around for my husband and father, proud of what I had just done. I might not be able to conceive, but I can play some video poker!! I guess they heard the noise because they came around the corner to see me waving them over. Of course, they both sat down next to me to play their own machines... never mind my jackpot of $200 - they wanted one of their own.
In the midst of waiting for the machine to pay me my due, it ran out of quarters. Great - just what I needed. Now I had to wait for someone to come over and pay me the rest. I turned on the light signaling that I needed help, but no one came. Like I said - it was dead in that place. Not an attendant in sight. I sat and sat as the two men in my life played on either side on me (with no luck I might add). Then, a few minutes later, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder...
I turned expecting an attendant and instead saw a middle-aged man with a walker. He had dark hair, pale skin, was dressed in slacks and a polyester shirt, and had a sweet softness to his eyes. He smiled at me. I smiled back.
"Yes sir?", I asked, not sure who he was or what he wanted with me.
"I saw what happened" he said as he smiled.
"Um, yes sir.", I said.
We stared at each other for a while and after he said nothing else, I turned around and stared at my machine. I felt weird. Not scared really, just weird. I could sense my hubby looking at me out of the corner of his eye. Then, I felt his soft tap once again. I turned around...
"Yes, sir?", I said again.
"Are you two married?", He said as he pointed to my husband and myself.
"Um, yes sir, we are.", I said with a smile. He just stared at me with those soft eyes and that sweet grin. Once again, I turned around, not knowing what to say or what to do. This time, I could see my dad eyeing him as only a dad could do. I wanted to say "it's OK", but didn't. I was frozen.
Once again, I felt the tapping of his fingers and I turned around once more.
"Do you have children?", he asked.
Now, what exactly is this all about?! Hadn't I tortured myself enough in the last few days and now that I was trying not to focus on the news we received back home, here is some stranger bringing it all up again! I felt my stomach sink. I looked at him and annoyingly said, "No, we do not."
I turned around to look at the machine and felt him come closer. My heart was racing. I was mad and scared and mystified all at the same time. He gently touched my shoulder, leaned down by my ear and simply said...
"Keep trying.".
I couldn't move. I couldn't look at him or ask him why he said that. I couldn't look at my husband or my father. I couldn't do anything except focus on the words that had he just uttered... "keep trying". I felt a rush go through my body. I had goose bumps and the hair on my arms stood up on end. I can't explain it really, I just know that at that moment, I knew I was not in the presence of an ordinary old man. I finally turned to see him walking away. I looked at my husband and he said, "I know what you are thinking...". "Do you?", I thought. I turned and looked again... the man was gone. Not a trace of him.
My dad was speechless. My husband just smiled and shook his head. I sat there not sure what to do. Could this have been a messenger of some sort? Could God, the One that I worshipped only on Sundays and hadn't yet invited into my home, my marriage, nor fully into my heart, be giving me a message of hope?
I left my winnings and both guys there at the machines and ran up to my mom's room. I told her the story as quickly as I could. "What do you think?", I said.
"I think you just met your angel.", she said.
I think she was right. A bit of hope brewed within my soul. Could there be a family in my future after all?
We flew back a few days later and I arrived on Monday to work. While looking at the calendar I noticed that I was a day late on my period, but that was nothing new. I had been so irregular all of my life, that being late a few days - even a few weeks late at times wasn't a big deal. I always did a pregnancy test (I guess it was wishful thinking) and had yet to see that "plus" sign that I so desperately desired. I remembered that before we left for our trip, I had placed the results from our tests on the doctor's desk for his opinion and further instruction. I quickly ran into the bathroom and did a pregnancy test before running over to see what he had to say. I placed the test down on the counter in our lab and went to my station. Once there, I saw my paper - you know, that one that had ruined my life - laying there with the words "Refer to IVF clinic" on it. There was that pit again. No trying on our own - no, nothing... just IVF? How could we afford that at this point in your lives? That glimmer of hope that I received while in Vegas was now officially gone again. I went on to work, shuffling patients around and answering phone calls. I couldn't think about it now, I had too much to do.
About an hour had passed when I stumbled onto that pregnancy test that I had forgot about in the lab. I hesitantly peered over it from afar to see the "minus" sign that I always saw every month and had decided that once I saw it, I would quickly throw it in the trash so no one would see my shame. But, in that very moment, on April 21, 1997, my life changed yet again. Where there had always been a minus sign, there was a beautiful and perfect plus sign. Pregnant? "No way", I thought. For a moment, I felt as though I was in a dream, but I wasn't. Only 5 days after being told that we would never conceive on our own and only 3 days after being "touched by an angel", I was indeed pregnant. God had performed His first visible miracle in my life. I was a mommy right at that very moment and with my legs shaking and mascara running down my face, I sat still in the presence of God, totally at peace... I was so very thankful for my perfect little surprise.
Those words from my hubby, "What do doctors know?!", rang through my head over and over. He was right. They knew nothing of what God could do even in a barren womb like mine. I was in love and in awe of this God I thought I knew before but had just now seemed to get to know on an intimate level. I had a new understanding of the word grace and I felt like I had had a glimpse into the heart of God. An Almighty God who would communicate with little ol' me even in the city of sin. A God who cared so much about my pain and the hurt I felt, that he graciously placed a precious miracle baby in my belly before I had even started down the road of infertility. What a God He is.
Jace Christian was born on a Wednesday - December 17th, 1997. Exactly 8 months to the day of that life-changing phone call. The doctors must have been wrong. We had delivered a perfect, olive skinned, brown eyed, red lipped little baby boy... what a miracle he was. We were OK and we had conceived on our own. I couldn't wait to have more! They must have made a mistake with those tests they ran because I was, at last, a mommy.
Before I continue with our story, just a few facts...
Number of years we have suffered with infertility in one way or another - 10
Number of living children - 2
Number of children in Heaven - 3
Number of failed IVF attempts - 1
Number of IUI attempts - 6
Number of cycles with a positive test - 3
Number of cycels with a false positive test - 1
Number of cycles with a negative test - 106
Number of miscarriages - 1
Number of C-sections - 1
Number of reproductive surgeries - 4
Number of ovaries and tubes left - 1
Number of enraged fits, shaking my fist at God and actually telling Him how I really felt about it all - 5
Number of times I thought I was going to scream because someone else was pregnant - at least 100
Number of times I prayed for a baby - too many to count
Numer of time I have prayed for His will - too many to count
Number of times I have "completely surrendered" this all to God, just to take it back from Him - 10
Number of times I want to take it back again - 0
Here's to moving on... one day at a time.
Number of living children - 2
Number of children in Heaven - 3
Number of failed IVF attempts - 1
Number of IUI attempts - 6
Number of cycles with a positive test - 3
Number of cycels with a false positive test - 1
Number of cycles with a negative test - 106
Number of miscarriages - 1
Number of C-sections - 1
Number of reproductive surgeries - 4
Number of ovaries and tubes left - 1
Number of enraged fits, shaking my fist at God and actually telling Him how I really felt about it all - 5
Number of times I thought I was going to scream because someone else was pregnant - at least 100
Number of times I prayed for a baby - too many to count
Numer of time I have prayed for His will - too many to count
Number of times I have "completely surrendered" this all to God, just to take it back from Him - 10
Number of times I want to take it back again - 0
Here's to moving on... one day at a time.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
The beginning of our story...
I think I am starting this blog about 10 years too late... but better late than never, I guess.
Our journey all started one day - a Wednesday to be exact - April 16, 1997 to be more exact - with a phone call. I had just returned back to work from a long lunch with co-workers. It was our "half-day" and our office was closed after noon. As I gathered my things and headed for the door, our back line started to ring... and ring... and ring... and ring. I didn't want to turn back - I was after all leaving for Vegas the next day with my husband and parents, but the phone kept ringing. If I turn around to answer the phone, I could potentially get stuck dealing with a patient who had dared to call after hours. "Just keep going", I thought, but something told me to stop and pick that phone up.
"This is Mary at the lab. I have test results for patient, Brandy Johnson. Can I fax them over?". Wow... that was fast. Little did the voice on the other end of the line know that the patient was me. My husband and I had never used birth control since our wedding night and although we weren't trying to conceive, I was a little worried that after 16 months of not caring, there had been no "oops". As a nurse in a OB/GYN/Infertility office, I had seen it all. My days were consumed with pregnant bellies, newborn babies, and unfortunately a large number of ladies who had tried for years to conceive without success. Surely, that could not and would not be me. The ONLY thing I ever wanted to do in life besides being a wife, was to be a mommy. It was my greatest dream and I was ready to start on this new journey into motherhood!
"Sure send them over... uh, are there any problems?"
"Well, there are some abnormalities - I will fax them over to you. If you have any questions, give me call."
I dropped everything and ran upstairs. My heart was pounding. Abnormalities? What kind of abnormalities? Surely, everything is OK. This is my dream!! This can not happen! The 2 minutes it took to receive the fax seemed like a lifetime. Finally, the machine beeped and it was on it's way.
The paper was full of numbers and had TONS of red arrows on it. You know the ones I am talking about, the ones that a professor would put onto your paper in college to alert you of all that was horribly wrong or incorrect. That was my paper - my results - full of abnormal red arrows! My heart sank. All nursing knowledge that I possessed flew out the window... "what does this mean and what can we do to fix it?????", I thought.
I didn't waste any time. I promptly called the nurse back and explained that the patient was me. I told her that the doctor I worked for was already gone for the day and that I needed someone to explain the results to me. I remember her voice. I remember that she seemed like was such a sweet lady. She walked me through it all, step by step, line by line. She was cautious with her words, yet honest about the problems that we faced. After about a 5 minute conversation, I asked "what is the bottom line?". She then uttered the words that I will never forget...
"You will probably never get pregnant on your own, no matter what you do. You might try IVF (in vitro fertilization) but I don't even know that it will work. Maybe ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) will work, but there are no guarantees."
What? I felt my legs give way... my heart sinking in my chest. My dream was over - just like that - and with a stupid phone call that ruined my vacation, none the less. What was happening and how was I going to tell my precious husband this? How could I look at him and tell him that we could potentially never have children?
I don't remember the ride home, but I do remember how I felt walking in the door knowing that I would have utter the words "we can't have kids". What a failure. What a wasted life. What a slap in the face. What would we do if we couldn't conceive and build a family just as I had envisioned in my mind? When I told my hubby about the phone call, he reacted just as I knew he would - with support and without concern.
"Doctors!", he said. "They don't know anything - only God knows what will happen. It only takes one sperm and one egg. I am not worried - you shouldn't be either. Let's not think about it... and let's have a good trip."
Yeah - right.
Our journey all started one day - a Wednesday to be exact - April 16, 1997 to be more exact - with a phone call. I had just returned back to work from a long lunch with co-workers. It was our "half-day" and our office was closed after noon. As I gathered my things and headed for the door, our back line started to ring... and ring... and ring... and ring. I didn't want to turn back - I was after all leaving for Vegas the next day with my husband and parents, but the phone kept ringing. If I turn around to answer the phone, I could potentially get stuck dealing with a patient who had dared to call after hours. "Just keep going", I thought, but something told me to stop and pick that phone up.
"This is Mary at the lab. I have test results for patient, Brandy Johnson. Can I fax them over?". Wow... that was fast. Little did the voice on the other end of the line know that the patient was me. My husband and I had never used birth control since our wedding night and although we weren't trying to conceive, I was a little worried that after 16 months of not caring, there had been no "oops". As a nurse in a OB/GYN/Infertility office, I had seen it all. My days were consumed with pregnant bellies, newborn babies, and unfortunately a large number of ladies who had tried for years to conceive without success. Surely, that could not and would not be me. The ONLY thing I ever wanted to do in life besides being a wife, was to be a mommy. It was my greatest dream and I was ready to start on this new journey into motherhood!
"Sure send them over... uh, are there any problems?"
"Well, there are some abnormalities - I will fax them over to you. If you have any questions, give me call."
I dropped everything and ran upstairs. My heart was pounding. Abnormalities? What kind of abnormalities? Surely, everything is OK. This is my dream!! This can not happen! The 2 minutes it took to receive the fax seemed like a lifetime. Finally, the machine beeped and it was on it's way.
The paper was full of numbers and had TONS of red arrows on it. You know the ones I am talking about, the ones that a professor would put onto your paper in college to alert you of all that was horribly wrong or incorrect. That was my paper - my results - full of abnormal red arrows! My heart sank. All nursing knowledge that I possessed flew out the window... "what does this mean and what can we do to fix it?????", I thought.
I didn't waste any time. I promptly called the nurse back and explained that the patient was me. I told her that the doctor I worked for was already gone for the day and that I needed someone to explain the results to me. I remember her voice. I remember that she seemed like was such a sweet lady. She walked me through it all, step by step, line by line. She was cautious with her words, yet honest about the problems that we faced. After about a 5 minute conversation, I asked "what is the bottom line?". She then uttered the words that I will never forget...
"You will probably never get pregnant on your own, no matter what you do. You might try IVF (in vitro fertilization) but I don't even know that it will work. Maybe ICSI (intro cytoplasmic sperm injection) will work, but there are no guarantees."
What? I felt my legs give way... my heart sinking in my chest. My dream was over - just like that - and with a stupid phone call that ruined my vacation, none the less. What was happening and how was I going to tell my precious husband this? How could I look at him and tell him that we could potentially never have children?
I don't remember the ride home, but I do remember how I felt walking in the door knowing that I would have utter the words "we can't have kids". What a failure. What a wasted life. What a slap in the face. What would we do if we couldn't conceive and build a family just as I had envisioned in my mind? When I told my hubby about the phone call, he reacted just as I knew he would - with support and without concern.
"Doctors!", he said. "They don't know anything - only God knows what will happen. It only takes one sperm and one egg. I am not worried - you shouldn't be either. Let's not think about it... and let's have a good trip."
Yeah - right.
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