What do I know? Nothing.

Just when I think I know where I am going, that I have it all planned out... God shows me different.

As most of you know, my adult life has been somewhat consumed with struggle of some sort. From infertility to miscarriage, I have desperately cried out to the Lord for more children, cried out over children that I have lost, and cried out for resolution one way or another. It has been a long road full of ups and downs. One that I respect, acknowledge, and admire in a way, but one that I would never want to re-live again simply because it hurt so bad.

Once we lost our last child, I sank into a deep depression. I took months and months to come up for air again - to reach the surface, where the living were. I spent days longing for relief and to be able to breathe without my heart hurting while doing so. After many prayers, A LOT of learning and searching, and God's precious healing touch - I finally woke up one day and felt well, happy again. There was a sort of renewal that had happened, yet nothing had changed. I still did not have the baby that had died - that I had longed for - but I had something else - JOY. I had JOY without the baby that I wanted and I knew that only that kind of joy comes from God. I give you all the praise Father...

It was nice knowing that the majority of the struggle was behind me and that He was binding up my heart - as He promises to in scripture - one stitch at time. Don't get me wrong, those stitches can be quite painful... the jab of the needle and the pulling and tugging of the thread... but the bound up wound at the end of the lesson is well worth the pain. Although I never desired to go through any of what I endured, I also know that I would not be who I am without the struggle and I would not know our precious Savior the way I do, had He not set me on this particular road. I now thank Him for every tear, for every disappointment, for every year that I had to wait because every step led me to Him. AND to the abundant life that only He promises. I received that inexplicable Joy only because of His love. Again, I thank you Father for all that you have shown me - I am forever grateful.

Now, over three years have passed since I lost Faith and even though I miss her terribly, I have moved on. Yes, there is life after losing a baby. I didn't believe that for a long time but I definitely do now. The last year in particular has been just wonderful. I have basked in the gift of family and dived into parenting my precious children, Jace and Savannah. Chris and I continue to grow in our relationship and I can honestly say that all the struggle we endured just made our bond stronger. I began working full-time at the kid's school and enjoyed the fellowship I found there with strong Christian women. I developed new friendships that I found fun, extremely supportive, and exciting and realized that God had a different life planned for me that I thought all along. Sometimes, when you sit back and look over the past years, you see it all come together and you are MORE thankful than ever. We tend to only see the small puzzle pieces as we are walking along our path, but He can see the finished puzzle way ahead of time. As I sat this March and looked back on what I thought was the "finished puzzle" of my struggle with infertility, miscarriage, and pregnancy, I was completely satisfied. Completely content. Completely thankful. I was happy to move on to another chapter in my life - one where getting pregnant didn't consume my every thought. Hallelujah! Where babies and breastfeeding and diaper changing were all part of the past. Where I totally enjoyed having the two kids I had and watching them grow up to be independent and self-sufficient - without longing for more. Where I was beginning to be "me" again... more than just a mommy and a wife (although that is my favorite part!) A Christian woman... a person in and of myself... a friend... a woman who had survived infertility... a teacher... a traveler, even...

And then, He did it again.

Just when I thought I knew just where I was headed - when I had it all planned out - He pulled a fast one on me.

In April - the day before Easter to be exact - I found out that I was pregnant.
Let's sit for a second and let that sink in, shall we?

Pregnant, Lord? Really? At 36 years old? When I am completely content, have moved on, and am fine NOT being pregnant, you then give me another child? What in the world?