D-Day... Our Story - Part 9

May 24th, 2004.

It was a very special day. My little precious baby boy was graduating from Kindergarten!!! It was a full day for me, I remember. We, as room moms had tons to do to prepare for the graduation ceremonies that were to take place that evening. I had my morning coffee and quiet time as I always did and set out to meet the moms at Jace's school for a full day of work. We did work all day if I remember correctly - through lunch even and finally left at around 2pm to get some rest before having to be back by 6pm. I grabbed Jace from his teacher and off we went. On the way the home, we ran a few errands and I started to go over in my head all of the things I had to do before the evening started. Sitting in the car - on Gattis School Road, no less - I remember thinking to myself that I should be starting my period that day. I was feeling a bit emotional, a little bloated, and a little crampy. You know, the normal "I am about to start my period" feeling that we all get right before it happens. Even though I was not living my life in total desperation any more, we still tried every month to get pregnant and every month, I anxiously awaited my cycle day thinking maybe this would be the one month it wouldn't come. I had spent a pretty penny on pregnancy tests over the year, but had to do one every month just to be sure of my fate. This month was no different.

Remembering I had only $16.18 left in our checking account (ahh, the joys of only one parent working!) I was hesitant to spend it on a pregnancy test. I called a friend of mine who had recently found out she was pregnant and asked if her kit had a bonus test I could use. She said, "do you think you are pregnant???!!" I said, "no, I just want to know for sure, like I do every month. I want to start the summer with Jace free of any false hope. I just want to focus everything on him." Unfortunately, she did not have a test so I drove to a local Walgreen's to pick one up.

I went home, had Jace lay down for a while to rest and started the test. It always was negative and I knew this one was no different. I walked away to do a few things and came back to see the word "Error" printed on the digital read-out part of the pregnancy test.

Great. I had spent my last $16 on a test that was NO GOOD! I was perturbed, to say the least. Thank goodness I had bought one that had 2 tests in one box. I pulled out the old test and put a new one in. I waited a while and did the second test.

"Error" again.

As I pulled out the test strip from the digital part of the test, I noticed that there were two lines on the strip. Two lines. Not one, like the previous 53 cycles. Two. What does this mean, I thought??? The digital tests were fairly new on the market and I didn't know if they worked any differently than the old ones so I called the 800 number on the box, hoping that I would get a woman who would tell me that the lines meant I was, indeed, finally pregnant.

That did not happen. I should have known better... This was the story of my life.

The lady on the other end of the line explained that those lines meant nothing. They were not to be used in any way to determine a pregnancy result. Only the digital part of the test indicated a positive or negative result. Since my test had an error reading on it, chances were it was negative, but I would need to re-test. She offered to send me a new one through the mail, but that was not going to satisfy my need for finding out on that day. I thanked her and hung up. I was still perturbed.

The phone rang shortly after I hung up and it was my dear friend, Shannon (you know, one of ladies from my playgroup). I told her what had happened and she was going a little nuts. "You go and get a test right now, Brandy. What if it was really positive!!". I told her I was not holding my breath. I was cramping more by then and I had only an hour or so left before I had to be back at the school. Plus, I had no money left! She offered to buy the test and I told her she WAS nuts. I would just try to get new ones later on that night, after Jace had graduated. Maybe Walgreens would feel sorry for me and replace the ones that were defective. (: I felt no need to rush out... I wasn't feeling great and I knew the answer anyway.

My hubby came home early that night for the festivities and the strips were on the bathroom counter where I was getting ready. He saw them and looked at me with a blank stare. "What are these?", he said. I explained what all had happened to him and that I would re-test later that night. I remember saying "maybe" the two lines did mean something. He said, "Probably not. Don't get your hopes up". He was right and I wasn't going to. This month would be no different than any other.

Kindergarten graduation was great! Lots of family and friends joined us to celebrate the big day as Jace walked across the stage in a white cap and gown - complete with blue flip-flops. (That's my boy!) I couldn't believe my little one was growing up and even though I was sad to see it happen, I was also very excited about the years to come. He was growing into a wonderful little person and I was so thankful for his little life. "What would I have done without him?!?", I remember thinking. I was so grateful that he was given to me. I don't know how I would have lived without him. I praised God for his life and I knew I could never thank Him enough for giving me this precious blessing.

After the ceremony was over, we all piled into the chapel for a fun reception. The teachers had compiled a notebook from over the year for each parent from each of their children. It was full of their child's drawings, random poems, and pictures of their kid from throughout the year. It was precious. Jace's teacher had called me over the day before and told me about a particular picture that Jace had drawn so I was looking forward to seeing it. She had asked if there was something I needed to tell her. Not knowing what she talking about, I said, "Noooo, not that I know of. Why?" Apparently, Jace had drawn a picture under the heading "MY FAMILY PRAYS". In it was Chris, Jace, and me with a big fat belly. Inside that belly was a little tiny baby. When she asked him about my belly in the picture, he said that there was a baby in his mommy's tummy. That he prays with his mom and dad for a baby brother or a sister all the time. It was such a sweet picture. I have to say I couldn't help but thinking about the test that I had taken only a few hours earlier. Could this be a possibility??? Maybe Jace knew something I didn't. Now, wouldn't that be something. After dreaming for a while, I brought myself back down to where I needed to be - where I actually lived - in the present - where pregnancy was only a wish and not a reality.

After the ceremony and after we all went to dinner to celebrate Jace and his accomplishment, I asked Chris to stop and let me try to exchange the tests out. I remember what he said as he pulled into the Walgreens 2 minutes before they closed. "Don't get your hopes up and don't do the tests tonight. Wait until the morning."

"Why?", I asked.

I crack up as I think back on it. Being that I was a nurse and had fed him so much info on the subject, being that we had tried so many times and taken these tests over and over, he knew that my urine would be diluted that late at night. He wanted me to wait and make sure it was accurate since the first ones I took were defective.

Yeah, right.

I went home. I piddled around a bit and decided to do the test. I didn't tell him or make a big deal of it. I just did it. I placed it on the back on the toilet and walked away. I went and did a few things with Jace, went through some of his keepsakes that were given to us that night, and started to prepare him for bedtime. I actually almost forgot about it for a while. Then, as I came around the corner of my bedroom, I saw the light on in the bathroom, reminding me of the test. As I walked around the corner and peered over the toilet, I had no idea what was about to happen to me.

In one moment, all of my heartache would be over. All of the despair gone. All of the anger, sadness, and envy would just vanish. All of the brokenness repaired. All in that one moment, God would deliver me from my many years of pain and mend my broken heart. And in that precious moment my test read...

"Pregnant".

It was my D-day. My Deliverance Day. He did it! He had done it! He had Delivered me as only He could! PRAISE YOU FATHER GOD! PRAISE YOU!

Once I read the test, I remember that my entire body started to shake and I began to scream. I backed myself out of the water closet and stood there, unable to move, waiting for Chris to come to my side. I was still screaming when he came running around the corner. He looked scared, but I had no words to tell him what was wrong... I couldn't speak. I just pointed to the toilet with my hand shaking uncontrollably. I felt like I was going to faint. Chris turned around in time to catch me, with tears in his eyes and a grin on his face. I remember him holding me and all I could say through the tears was...

"Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus. Oh, Thank You, Jesus. Praise You God, Thank You God! Thank You, Jesus..."

Finally, my journey was complete. It was done. I had waited on the Lord and He delivered me as only He could. I was finally freed from the chains of infertility. And I was finally at peace. Completely at peace because of what ONLY HE could do for me.

I remember not being able to sleep that night. I woke up all night long just meditating on what He had done. I was unworthy... how many times did I scream at Him and question His plan? How many times did I lose faith and not trust Him? How many times did I question the plan He had laid out for me? How many times did I turn back on Him throughout the journey and try to take the reigns myself? Too many to count and yet, He still blessed me with this new little one growing in my belly. Thankfully, His love and His faithfulness is not dependent on me nor on anything I do or not do. His love is what it is because of Who HE is and What HE is. It is because of HIS character and HIS grace. Nothing I could do or say to Him would explain how grateful I was. I just kept saying it over and over and over and over again.

"Thank You... thank You... thank You... thank You...."

And I still do it today... I could never thank Him enough.

My life was about to change - yet again - by the grace of God and I was so ready. The 54th cycle was the one I had been waiting on and it was finally here. I sat back and remembered that "Wait on Me..." that I had heard in the months prior and pondered the sweetness of God. He could have let me sit in silence throughout all of those years, but He didn't. He showed me so much - some of it I got and some of it I didn't get until now. Through His word, through His blessings, through His character, and now through His grace I had completed this particular journey and I was finally coming out on the other side of it. I felt completely restored. Hallelujah!!! The physical pain was finally gone, but somehow deep down, I knew the scars from infertility would always be there to remind me of this journey. And that was and is OK.


Savannah Hope Johnson was born on a Monday, January 24th, 2005 at 3:12pm. Weighing in at a whopping 9lbs 15oz. She was (and still is) the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. Her arrival was anxiously awaited by many and I pray that through her birth, many have seen God's sovereignty and power. He is an awesome God, isn't He?!

The years prior to my daughter were some of the hardest of my life, but I would never trade them for anything. The knowledge that I gained during those years is invaluable. The relationship that developed between my Maker and myself is unfathomable. As I look back, I see that the pain, the despair, the journey - it was all necessary. In order for me to be able to surrender completely at the throne of God and allow Him to take my entire life into His hands, I had to learn how to trust Him. During those times when I felt like I had nothing to go on or nothing to keep me going, I had to rely on Him. And during those times, when I turned my face to the Heavens, He was there. There - ready and waiting. Praise You, Father!

Oh, friends, I have seen God at work and I hold his precious, miraculous, handiwork in my arms everyday. Words cannot describe my heart and how full it is because of my God. Not just because I "got" the babies that I wanted, but because He WAS THERE beside me every step of the way.

Isn't our God good?!

Romans 8:28- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him."

The good days and the REALLY bad ones - Our Story - Part 8

OK- here I was - trying to change the way I was thinking. Trying to place my focus on my Mighty God and not on my mighty situation. Some days I was successful at it and some days I wasn't, but I was trying and I know God was pleased with that.

I remember being blessed with the friendships of quite a few women who were struggling with infertility themselves. It was so nice to know I wasn't alone.... that there wasn't something wrong with me... that there were others out there who knew truly how I felt. This gave me comfort and a sense of peace. I know God allowed them each to come into my life at just the right moment. These relationships gave me joy and that in turn, made some days really beautiful. I began to appreciate my time alone again as well. It was time to get to know the God of the universe on a much more intimate level and how could that be bad - right? Do I hear an Amen?! I met with Him A LOT and felt Him close by like I never had before. I drew near to Him searching for relief, and on some days, I really did find it. Though scared of total surrender, I never gave it all up fully, but I was trying to get there and I knew He knew applauded my efforts. I began to be able to go a day, maybe two, without thinking about infertility at all. I tried to place my focus on my miraculous son and thoroughly enjoyed being a mom to the one most precious child in the entire world. (: I volunteered a lot. I fellowshipped with other women a lot. I had long lunches with my hubby often. I even took a nap from time to time. (: These, I must say, were really good days...

But then, there were the not so good days. I still had them - even as I tried to surrender.
I remember days of crying uncontrollably on my husband's shoulder after starting my period.... thinking, "would this last forever?????!!!!!!". Why couldn't I get past this? Why couldn't I move on? Why did I feel SO STRONGLY like I was suppose to be a mom again, yet month after month, that intuition never proved true? I remember my hubby consoling me day after day, not knowing what to say and me thinking, could he possibly ever know the pain that I am feeling? I remember, as much as I do not want to admit this, feeling no happiness for others when they got pregnant. None - I was numb. The very words "pregnant" would burn deep inside my gut. On some days, I could physically feel the pain in my chest. One of the worst things I remember is catching myself thinking about one friend losing their baby. It wasn't a thought I wanted or willfully executed but it was a thought that came to my mind. I denounced it severely and prayed over it but nothing could erase what I had thought about at first. It was a sick thought and I was the sick one who thought it. I was heart-sick. Mind-sick and soul-sick. I could have days that any number of things could send me into a tail spin without a moment's notice and it felt like I could do nothing about it. I remember finding out that a dear friend of mine was pregnant with her third child - the news didn't hit me too hard or hurt me too much (must have been having a good week) until the weeks that followed. After about the 3rd week of hearing about it, I remember calling another friend who I felt comfortable with and trusted and told her that I was gonna scream if I heard another word about her pregnancy! I was going to SCREAM at the TOP of my lungs!!!! The "ickiness" kept creeping back no matter how hard I attempted to let it go. I felt darkness looming over me because of my barren womb and I struggled in private with the filthy heart I had because of it. The pain that infertility brings isn't pretty and it is hard to confess. Those were the REALLY bad days...

So this was my life.
Good days. Bad days. Surrender days. Pain days. I never knew what I would feel and when I would feel it. I had so many days when my prayer life was wonderful and when I had a clear sense of what I was do next. There was much comfort in those days. I had days when I would get on my knees and just cry out to Him, saying "Please help me, please show me, please take this from me, please, please, please". Nothing else, nothing more... I just couldn't muster any more than that. All I had was just a cry for help and on some of those days... most of those days, I heard nothing. I had no understanding of His plan or which way it would take me. But, no matter the day - good or bad, one thing I always hung on to was that He was there. Yes, HE WAS THERE! I may not have "felt" Him all of the time or gained understanding all of the time, but I always knew He heard me and for that I was always thankful.

I do remember one day in particular, when I glimpsed a bit of my future through prayer. Jace was at school and I was having one of those "bad" days that I just talked about. I remember being in Jace's room for some reason and ended up on my knees, face on the ground, crying out to God. I remember asking specifically for Word from Him. I needed to hear Him that day - in one way or another. Through a person, a study, His word, through this prayer - I needed to know whether we should continue this journey or move on completely. I had to know. I felt like I couldn't go on any longer. I had to have something from Him or I felt like I was going to crumble. After about 10 minutes of prayer, I remember being silent for a while - waiting and crying - hoping to hear or feel something - anything from Him!
Very clearly, very softly, I began to hear a statement over and over in my head.

"Wait on Me... wait on Me... wait on Me... wait on me...."

Oh, how I still love to think on this, even right here at this very moment. It still brings tears to my eyes. The Most High God spoke to me... little ol' me... right there on the floor of my son's room. He heard my cry and knew my heart was breaking. He knew I needed something to keep going and Hallelujah, He spoke to me!!! There were much bigger issues in the world that day, but He took time out of His day to calm my aching heart. What tenderness He has for us... what mercy His character exhibits... what love He possesses.

I sat straight up barely being able to breath.

"Wait on Me"... I thought. Not "no". Not "yes". Not "maybe", but "wait on Me".

I had received my Word.

I didn't know what I was waiting on, but I sure was going to wait! I did not want to miss out on this blessing, whatever it may be. I hoped that it meant I would waiting on a baby, but it could have been so many things other than that. No matter what, I was gonna wait!

If I remember right, I had more good days than bad after that meeting on the floor of my child's room. God soon started to become enough... even with this womb that was still barren. He became what I sought after... even more than the baby that my heart so longed for. My ache never fully went away, but the desperation diminished the more I gave myself over. He is good and I reminded myself of that daily while I waited on Him to reveal His plan.

Psalm 86:1-7,10-13 -"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy, In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."