Remembering Faith...

Thank you to Carly in Australia who has a wonderful ministry - To Write Their Names in the Sand. This ministry is used while remembering little ones who have passed on. What a blessing she is to those who mourn and hurt as they long for the babies who rest in arms of Jesus now. Thank you Carly for remembering Faith. This picture means so much to me. As we approach what would have been her 2nd birthday, I am reminded of what I don't have but I rest in knowing what I do - a God that loves me beyond words. May she rest in His precious Agape love until I can get there to hold her.

Remembering Faith...

Phone calls from hell.... Our Story, Part 16

Have you ever received a phone call from hell? I have.
You see, when you are a deeply troubled, weeping, depressed, and mourning mother of a child that you never got to meet and who seemed to have been ripped from your womb too early for your understanding, any phone call from another who tells you she is pregnant seems to be from hell.... I guarantee you. I know this sounds awful - probably not the nicest of ways to put it but I promise you, that is how I felt when I received them. I know others who have experienced the same calls and they assure me that they too dread those calls - they are completely and utterly unbearable. These particular calls that I am speaking of came right after Christmas - only 4 months after I lost Faith and while I was in a very bad place. And they were from two very special people in my life that I love deeply which makes this post harder than I thought to write down. Those calls came from my best friend and my precious niece.

Satan was having a field day with me and the thoughts that I had during the weeks following those phone calls were heart-breaking. How did I become this person, I wondered? How could I be so cruel? What I knew and believed about God and my life deep down in my heart was being removed by fear, doubt, pain, and lies. The insatiable pain that I was experiencing was completely ruling my life and I desperately wished that those women were not pregnant. Not because I wanted them to hurt - I never wished that. It was just that I wanted to stop hurting and the thought of them growing babies and feeling those babies inside them while mine laid in a box somewhere was more than I could take. I was crumbling... fading away... silently but surely. Very few knew of my pain. Very few knew the dark place that I had descended. I cried for hours and hours and hours. I couldn't tell anyone how I really felt - what kind of Christian and Christ-follower could I be when I had such horrible thoughts? I had proclaimed Christ mighty and awesome and had stayed strong throughout my battle with infertility until victory came through Savannah's birth. How could I explain to everyone that I was turning my back on what I knew and I was allowing the pain to take over? I was passionately sad. I was deeply troubled. I was losing sight of what was Right and Good. I was spiraling into a deep depression and I wasn't sure if I could ever get out.

As I look back on those months, I cry even now. I was so beyond devastated and I could not see clearly the road ahead. It was a terrific pit. A deep dark pit from hell itself. How in the world could I ever recover after such a devastating blow?