The months that followed Savannah's birth were glorious. I felt like I was at a place of complete peace. I felt like I had truly been delivered from all of the pain and the heartache that I had suffered with for so long. To be honest, I was on cloud nine! My family was in a great place and I was so thankful for my gifts. Nothing could be better than what I was experiencing as a mother and as a wife.
I savored every moment of having my daughter and of the months to come. The c-section, the recovery, the scars, the colic, the long nights with no sleep, the breastfeeding, the jaundice, the droopy body, the extra weight, the endless days at home - I really LOVED every part of being a mommy again. I felt as though everything in my life was perfect.
One day shortly after Savannah was born, I remember sitting in my bedroom talking with my husband. The conversation is as vivid in my mind today as the day she was born! We had been talking about her birth and the miraculousness of it when I stopped him in mid sentence and said...
"I want more."
There was a very looooooooooong pause and then silence. He just looked at me and grinned. He knew I was having one of those "Brandy moments".
Please play along, I thought. Don't tell me that I am crazy...
Chris, being the very rational person that he is, carefully said to me, "Be thankful for the children we have, honey, and stop always wanting more. It was hard enough to get these two. Let's just enjoy them!"
"I know, I know... and I do! I do enjoy them." I said. "I enjoy them so much that I have the desire to have more! It is possible! Look what God has done for us thus far. Look at these beautiful children! What if He has more in store for us? Would you be OK with more children?"
"Of course, I would." He said. "If God wants us to have more, then we will have more. BUT don't even think about infertility treatments, medications, or procedures. We are done with all that. We need to move on, honey."
Fair enough, I thought. I can handle that! If we are to have more - then we will. If we are not, then we won't. It was simple. I had the children that I had longed for, for so long and I would be fine with the 4 of us. It was really nice to be in that place... that place where I could really turn it over to Him without hesitation. I had never completely been there before. I knew - truly knew - in my heart that whatever happened in my future would be "Father-filtered" and would be just fine. I had my children - my two precious blessings and I felt great! I was so happy and I felt like nothing could take that feeling away from me.
Those months while I carried Savannah and the months following her birth were some of the most precious months of my life. Even though I continued to think about having more children, it did not consume me or my thoughts. I wanted God to work His plan for my life out in His way... I did not want to interfere but I couldn't help having the feeling deep down that we were not done. I can't explain it, I just felt it. I felt like there was something more to come. A child maybe? An adoption? Another miraculous birth? I didn't know what, but I felt it.
Scripture says the barren womb never cries "enough" and mine certainly hadn't.
I guess my womb just doesn't know when to stop...
